Saturday, December 25, 2004

Merry Christmas

How does it feels,
When you've done something bad,
Worse, very wrong,
More than the guilty feeling,
The feeling of betrayal,
Losing your entire trust,
Trustworthy thrown away,
Dignity slipped away,
Respects no longer exists,
Black listed from head to toe,
Condemned to hell.

And yet,
The courage that blooms,
To reveal the truth,
With great humiliation,
Shall not be invisible.

The heart to believe,
An uncertain faith,
The fate that awaits,
Acceptance or denial,
The mind to decide,
To turn left or right,
The strength to go on,
Or the courage,
To be prepared,
In facing tomorrow...

Monday, December 13, 2004


Three years ago, I tried to enter a casino. I was 15 years old. In front of me was my sis and mom, and for sure mom got in. The security guard stopped me and my sis and ask for our identity cards. Well, we left. Obviously it was a pretty lame approach, but we tried anyway. And my mom insisted my sis could have got in if I wasn't behind her. My sis was 18 that time and it's easier for her to disguise as a 21 year old without me tailing her. I was in Genting Highlands.

This year, I made my second attempt to enter a casino. And I succeeded. Well, I was in Macau and the illegal age to enter is 18. I was three months away from turning 18 and I don't think they could tell the difference since my 39 year old big cousin made me wear my glasses instead of contact lenses in which he said gave me a more mature or corporate look. He even suggested I tied up my hair in a bun. That was really nonsense since he was the only one fussing that I look like a kid in which I'm pretty sure that I do not though I wish too.

Anyway, the casino is not really big even though its the top casino in Macau. But it's pretty crowded although it's just a normal weekday. The casino is like a round shaped room. Its slightly lower because we have to go down a few steps of stairs in the entrance. Instead of those Las Vegas casino which is just a big entrance door. There are also others VIP rooms of course and with someone standing at the door. It consists of a few tables with lots of people. Placing their bets. And honestly I couldn't recall what games are their apart from those usual pokers, black jack, the roulette, the Chinese "Big and Small" , dominoes, and also others. All I remember was that its freaking smelly and I was told not all casinos in Macau allowed smoking. And its pretty hard to move around. The surrounding corridor also has some tables. And those jackpot machines. And the there was a row of big numbers that keep changing indicating the jackpot value which never stop increasing. Now that's interesting. Well, I didn't gamble. None of us did. We weren't that thick to "spend" our money in buying a story "that we lose our gambles".

The constructions of casinos in Macau are mostly build according to "Feng Shui" which benefits them in bringing profit. Now that's a nice way say it. In other words, to make the gamblers lose. Most casinos are like round shape. Instead of those huge casinos in Las Vegas we see on TV which is so big you can't even figure what shape is the room. The round shape and the constructions of it with the nicely decorated pillars around it and also the top ceiling which is like a cone with a pointy end, like a big circus tent. All of the casino construction resembles the Chinese traditional bird cage. Those kind of bird cage that we see on telly like Wong Fei Hung's dad carry while whistling with the bird. Those like Lao Fu Zhi carried in his comics. Anyway, most casino normally is lower than the original level of the entrance or the particular floor it is situated and occasionally a few stairs of steps to go down from its entrances. And most casino in Macau comes along with its hotel. And their restaurants are situated at the basement floor. And also some other features of the casinos that I was told which I couldn't recall. All of these are based with their Feng Shui. The bird cage. Its like, you're in a bird cage. Something like your trapped. Locked. And bound to lose money since you can't run away from a cage. I'm not really sure since I can't really remember but its somehow connected in bringing the casino benefits. And the lower level in entrance, its like the Chinese beliefs that the water can't flow out which means the money can't flow out from the casino. And the restaurant in the basement. Restaurant represent fires because of the cooking. I cant remember what the fire in the basement mean though but because there's a superstitious Chinese thingy about disapproving basements floor at home for its a bad sign. Well, its because the deceased are buried underground. And basement is underground floor.

I was told all of these by a lady in china. Where she informed tourist about all these casino stuff because she was promoting a jade locket. In which most casinos in Macau forbid gamblers to bring in with for their mostly wore on a necklace because its a bad luck mascot to the casino. While it benefits the gambler.

I can't help it but realise that what she said really matches the one and only one casino I entered. Although I really can't recall that much on what she said. And well, this entry is in response to reignspeek entry regarding casinos and gambling. Hehehe...


Monday, December 06, 2004

Alone or not alone

I can't remember when I started to like the feeling of being alone...Or should I say....Spending time alone...Perhaps it seems to be that a person being alone and feeling alone is the same...Well actually its not at all...Its not a wonder that little people ever think about it...Because its just a common thing...Honestly...I wouldn't have give it a thought....But I came across something....

"" I was alone all the time....But I don't feel alone ""

I came across something like that last week from a novel I've read....I can't remember the exact line though...But it was something like that..And it never really meant anything to me...Until yesterday...All of a sudden it appears in my head....And I can't help it...But it somehow tells me that...I felt the same way too....I enjoy being alone.....Spending time alone....Being on my own...But I don't feel alone....Sounds like rubbish and confusing isn't it.?? I thought so too...But have a second thought...And its not....

Feeling good on being alone is actually enjoying your own company and that's enjoying the privacy in doing things on your own all by yourself.....Something like..."Instead of spending quality time with someone else...You're spending quality time with yourself"... And as for me..Love every second of it..For when I do so..I don't feel alone...It is very true that you're alone....But only alone as in physically..But not emotionally...The real alone...Is the one in heart...That hurts...The feeling of being left out, ignored, abandoned....

Its bad to be alone and feel alone,
Its good to be alone but don't feel alone,
Its sad to be not alone but feel alone,
Its great to be not alone and don't feel alone.

Now...Are you alone...Or you feel alone..??

Sunday, November 21, 2004


I'm starting to wonder about lots of thing, mostly concerning myself. I haven't the slightest idea whether it's because I think too much or I'm too free or whatever reason it could be, but come to think of it, when someone wonders about something, why do we always try to find a reason or an excuse for it.? This is what we called human sanity. When something went wrong, instead of settling it, we look for someone to be blame or search for an excuse. So that we will feel better? So that we won't feel so bad or so guilty or that we won't be the "BAD GUY"? By denying and blaming on someone else, you're already the bad guy for goodness sake. Its like its in the genetic codes of human which is very normal and way too sane and it comes naturally from our own instincts. The instinct to protect or defend ourselves, whether we're the BAD GUY or GOOD GUY, we still do defend ourselves. And to do so, the easiest and fastest way is well, get a so called "acceptable" excuse or blame someone else to get rid of problems. I'm not saying that every single human on earth is like this, but most of us are. And for those really good guys, it takes a lot of integrity to be one. Ya, and also very forgiving and generous. Because when your the GOOD GUY. You're always the scape goat. Because well, obviously your the most handy one isn't it.?And honestly, in this hyper materialistic world, its very difficult to find these GOOD GUYS. Even if you are, you tend to be kinda defensive. Or else you're always the little scape goat.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Lost soul

Fallen into a deep hole..
Darkness crept all over..
Felt as if,the lost soul..
Although it weren't..
Heck...It was bad enough..
Summoned to face the truth..
Where the truth is always bad..
Or the saddest thing...
Face the hidden one...
Which is dug out..
Before it penetrate deeper...
For if it reach the bottom...
There will be no turning back
The hidden bad root...
Will undergo changes....
Or suffer in reality...
For reality..Is never good..

Sunday, May 23, 2004


Author of this blog had removed posts from May 2004 till October 2004 due to certain unforeseen reasons.