Friday, September 30, 2005

I should be studying now..??

Ok. So I should be studying now instead of blogging.? Yeah, it's killing me just to cover those syllabus. But then, you still have to do it right.? Hey, isn't that called suicide. Hahahaha, very funny.

Anyway, had dinner in the dark today. My family usually have early dinners like around 6 something and tonight was a little late due to something and guess what, the current suddenly decided to take a rest. Yeah, just about 5 or 10 minutes before dinner we had a black out. How romantic. You happen to eat in the dark with big lamp posts or huge torch light and you got extra companions to eat with you, your ever loyal shadows. But it gets a little irritating when it comes to washing the dishes. Number one, the water is not strong enough. When the electric dies, it means the water pump can't function and the water is flowing like the rate of an old man's pee.? Hahahaha. Don't get offended. Number 2, it's dark even though there is light from torches, it's still dark. Its hard to see, meaning to say you have to pay more attention or spend more time scrubbing all the dishes just to make sure there no stains or else you'll get yelled with how professional is your dish washing skill after washing them for a century. Number 3, there's lots of bugs flying around when there's no electricity. Its deliberately annoying because you're standing there with both of your foot firmly on the ground almost still for about 10 to 15 minutes with your constantly moving arms cleaning this and that and try your best to stand those little bugs flying around your stationary feet.?

Conclusion, it takes a longer time to wash the dishes when there's no electricity and its extra annoying. Hahaha, sorry for exaggerating. This I have to strongly declared is the effect of reading too much science stuffs or having too much scientific terms or words running around my brain cells and trying my best not to let them escape. Hahahaha.

Anyway, ever heard of never giving up and keep looking for something better than what you already have.? Like, if you don't go for it, how would you know whether there are "the better" or "the best" outside there waiting for you.? But then, if you keep thinking of these fantasy of better dreams or hope or "the miracle" to happen and never stop looking which actually is a wonderful perfectly respectable positive attitude, you'll never realize what you found or had is already the best of all.? Its like, you keep looking you'll never even realize that the best is already here. You THINK they are better options waiting for you. I mean, THERE IS but do you actually think you'll find it or get it.? Again.? Oh, I don't know. Should you just settle for what you already have or prepared for you or simply strive for the unforeseen best.? And please, never assumes that, "Oh it doesn't matter. I can just look for it since I've already got this 'dream' here waiting for me. There's no harm looking for a better one and if there's no, I can always go back for it." Hello.? Excuse me but there's no such thing as what that's found awaits for you. Again. And don't you think its rather selfish that you're taking them for granted since you knew perfectly well just because you found them it doesn't mean they're forever entitled to you. They're just as free as you, ready to leave anytime, anywhere. To be recognized and more appreciated by someone else. Just like you, looking for something you'll appreciate more.

Anyway, please forgive me for this weird entry or what I've typed. Just couldn't resist a little fun for my brain cells by typing silly stuffs. Hehehe.


Monday, September 26, 2005

Hot tempered or Hypocrite

Have you done something when your pissed and then wished you hadn't done it.? Well, who doesn't.? No, I'm talking bout privately here. Like cursed like mad, cursed someone, do childish stuff in secret that no one knows just to let yourself off. Or perhaps wrote a 10 foot long article bitching about someone or something that happen and threw it away the next moment.

Next thing you know, you thought you're suppose to feel better after that. Guess what, you don't. In fact you feel worse. This, is quite unsurprising. If you just had a little time to think about it before you start shooting at yourself or to some unfortunate belongings of yours. But then, when you're pissed, time seems to froze and more like someone just pushed the PAUSE button of your brain cells function and at that very moment, all you can think of is how pissed you are. How the freak is why would this or that happen or how could that freak do this to you or how could I be so stupid. How could it happen. But is really letting it out the best thing ever or just be the generous you and gulped it once and for all.?

Excuse me, once in for all.? Hardly, you're just burying it deep inside your heart and memory cells. Just like lava building up inside the volcano and ready to explode as soon as its full or sudden earthquake triggers the mantel. Just like sudden exposure resulting in climax eruption. And guess what, its fatal. Almost.

But then, small eruptions or people with bad anger management that loses their temper all the time are those who we despised. Why.? Because they're being a butt head.? Or because they'll just explode all the time making your and his/her life difficult and it's just impossible to live with it.? Honestly, they might be a pain in the ass and it takes lots of "small bursts" to cause fatal accidents. But, they're more likely to show you the REAL them. (more likely, not necessarily yes)

What about those that just smiled at you or just act like nothings wrong and just let it go and say, "It doesn't matter", "Forget it, I'm fine", "Its over, nevermind" But their inside is actually boiling like mad. Not boiling, more like bubbles are about to emerged. Close to boiling, but always never managed to since the FIRE isn't strong enough. And when one day a big fire is lit, guess what, you'll get a major volcano eruption that can cause fatal results. Sounds familiar doesn't it. But so what, familiar stuffs all around us everyday are those that we missed everyday.

By the way, do you know that star fish is the only animal that can turn inside out.?


Saturday, September 17, 2005

Stop self condemning...

When I started to blog, it was just because I was bored. Spending lots of time in front of the computer all the time. And it's obvious from my early entries, it seems like I'm only complaining how bored my life is, how COMMON is my daily life. When something come up, you'll go like WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. And then start complaining why does this sort of unfortunate things happen to me.? And start blaming everyone.?

I realize I like to condemn myself. Not blame myself but I always feel rather guilty to certain things. But humans like to blame someone else when something happen or just simply grab anything that can be blame. But why hah.? Though, I don't blame people on unfortunate happenings. I don't see the point of doing so, I find it rather useless. I mean, what's the point.? It's not gonna bring you anywhere by blaming someone. Well perhaps you'll buy yourself a certain period of relief where you'll feel better because you make yourself believe (lying to yourself) that you're not responsible for what happen. You just happen to BE THERE. Typical, but hoh, I like to blame myself. Why hah.? But then, what's the use of condemning myself.? Hmmmmmmm. Even though I'm not the kind of person that blames God when something bad happen, I don't. Because I don't trust God would want something bad happen to me or to anyone. You're a human which is capable of making your own choice of which path to choose and with each choice, you have to face and accept the consequences that follows. No matter its good or bad, you picked it yourself. Okay, consider that when something bad comes along, something unexpected, would you start blaming God why he put you in such a miserable unbearable state.? Well, He didn't ask you to choose it snd none of us wished for it to happen. It just did. Accident.? Or God is testing you.? I would say whatever path you chose, you can't expect it to be 100% perfect can't you.? Not to curse yourself that something less fortunate would happen but at least be a little psychologically prepared for unforeseen circumstances. Well, its not as easy as its said, it takes time. After all, you chose it yourself. God wouldn't forbid you which path not to choose, but he will guide you through it. If it wasn't for that, you wouldn't have realize God was there all this while, would you.? Who knows, He has better plans for you.? I mean, no one knows what gonna happen next right.? Yeah, that's true but its usually used for self reassuring. Self comforting.

Guess this fact is just the same with the famous "you won't realize what's good or appreciate what you had all the time unless its no longer yours or when something happen and you need it badly but guess what, its no longer there waiting for you to realize or authorize its presence. I mean, why bother.? It was here all the time but guess it's just invisible to your naked eyes. How sad, yet, you deserved it.

When people seek advice, the way they called it, they're more like seeking for a sympathetic ear or some comforting words. Which, I could never offer. Its not that I'm cold blooded or whatever, though I am a little bit. But, well I'm a realist. I won't sweet talk or says comforting stuff to make you feel better by upgrading you and downgrading others. Its like, its just not me. I'll just shoot and attack them back. But weirdly hoh, they say its harsh, but it works. Hahahaha

I queued for one and half hour today just to buy a few buns. Pretty stupid huh.? Guess that's the magic of curiosity. Or the foolishness of curiosity. Hehehe.

I have to stop condemning myself....


Sunday, September 11, 2005


睡着的大提琴 安静的旧旧的

我懂我也知道 你没有舍不得

牵着你陪着我 也只是曾经

你要我说多难堪 我根本不想分开
我没有这种天份 包容你也接受他
不用担心的太多 我会一直好好过
你已经远远离开 我也会慢慢走开
我真的没有天份 安静的没这么快
我会学着放弃你 是因为我太爱你

Friday, September 09, 2005

Spontaneously written

I hold my tears back,
You're answers caught me aback.

I couldn't look at my boo,
For I'll cry like the loo.

Tears fall from heaven,
We're both madly driven.

Dated in a drop of silence,
What a dear of remembrance.

For time runs so fast,
Its meant to be the last.

Oh! Where's tomorrow dust.?
Buried, in our very own trust.

A moment of tortured pain,
Which returned great gains.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Beyond Expectation

Is the world full of miracles.? Have you personally encountered one.? Or something similar.? Something that happen all of a sudden that it didn't only caught you aback but its so freaking hard for you just to believe it.? And no matter how hard you try to believe it, you can't. But you just have to. So, how do you take it.? With wide open arms or a long drougy face.? Well of course, this "beyond expectation" has a gigantic range. Good or bad, and different conditions of course has different options.

Sometimes, when you've made a decision ( you thought you're superb firm and never gonna change it no matter what cause you know you're stubborn enough to stick to that ) That, is the exact thing you'll never get or the exact thing that backfired. And are you still that stubborn.?

Sometimes, you have no choice but to accept it. And if so, why not happily.? With a big heart. Then it wouldn't be so bad after all. But of course, its not as easy as it's said. Sometimes, for someone, something its just too hard to be accepted. Being able to accept is already another miracle itself. And to do it with such a willing happy heart is rather fictitious.

But then, what about for those stubborn ones, like me.? Well, are you stubborn enough to ignore what's been happening.? Or indulged it yourself rather than accepting the very fact that its not gonna change, for you.? At this peak, you're not only stubborn but stupid, foolish, idiotic, whatever you called it. Of course, ignore as you wish. But then, you're forever buried in this situation unless you wake up. Hoping for the situation to change for you. You might be lucky once in a while, but then majority of the time you don't. You can't always expect everyone or everything to change for you just because you can't. Just because you're too narrow minded to believe it or to accept it. So suit yourself in the world of your own. After all, no ones gonna care or bother that. And don't start pointing at everyone for not caring because you asked for it yourself. There's no one to be blame. And well, that time, you'll sulk. Like mad.

Sometimes, you might want to ask yourself, why that stubborn.? Are you really happy to stay the same.? To keep your so called self principle or character.? That you're so brave to be in your stand. So proud to.?

In fact, no. You're the chicken, the self acclaim that had actually sunk to the lowest level of all. The bravest person are those who are able to overcome themselves, not those that can overcome something just to show that they are brave but never to themselves. What's the use if to the whole world you're brave and good one when deep down, you're perfectly sure that you're not at all.? You'll live of course, but inside, you're about the saddest thing of all.