Saturday, December 30, 2006


No matter how bad the weather is, the gloomy rainy season that never stop wetting the earth as day goes by, there will always be the sun who would rise each and everyday. Great sunshine or grayish sky with dear gigantic red ball hidden under the beds of cloud, is no longer the issue here, its whether SHE pops out or not. Unless it's the end of the world, and there's no sun to rise, no heat to be brought upon mother earth. No heat, no warmth, no life, no sustainability, no nothing.

No matter how dark the sky gets, there will always be light at the end of the horizon. There's always light, the darkness the creeps upon your skin will not be eternal. Unless of course, you buried yourself behind the lights, under the lights, shadowed by everything else on earth, denying the existence of light, day, and in you, there's only darkness, black corners, sadness and death.?

It doesn't matter if you had the world number one bad day, there's always tomorrow. Today is a bad day, but if you're in US, it's already tomorrow in Australia, how bad can it be then.? I guess at the end of the night, it still rounds up to you, do you wanna live forever in bad dayS, and forgot there are tomorrowS that could be or would be or IS good day.? And of course, how you define GOOD DAY yourself still matters.


Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Merry Christmas

My heart was given away,
Gone to an embrace.
It was handle with care,
It's very own care.
I love the way it's cared,
Unique in its way.
But it wasn't right,
It was wrong.

My heart was torn,
But it did not break.
My heart cried,
With tears of blood.
I cried for help,
To patch it back.

It was then known,
It was wrong.
And so was I,
Blinded, by the very care.
And forgot, it wasn't right.
Hence, missed.

My heart shall then be mend,
To be cared in It's correct way.
Shall not fall to the hands of others,
Or let it rot in the dark, alone.
For I believe, there is still hope.

If time proves otherwise,
My heart shall then rest.
But the day has yet to be seen,
And I'll stay still.
For how long, I do not know,
For tomorrow will answer.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Me and I

Why is the mirror image not reflecting the real you.?

It shows your actions is completely different from what you're thinking.

Does that makes you the world biggest pretender, or the best actress/actor.?

And what makes you act like this.?

Behave like this.?

Why have you become such a hypocrite?

Even to yourself.?

You think what you think,

But you do not act on what you think.

What are your thoughts for then.?

For yourself.?

For the truth behind you.?

But all lies begins with truth.

Are you lying then.?

If yes, to whom.?

To the world outside.?

Or to you, yourself.?

If to you, why then.?

What had happen to the original you.?

That had been shunned to the back of you that's not you.?

Worse, you're hiding behind you that's not you.?

Are you still you then.?


Am I still me.?

Thursday, December 21, 2006

KLIA express

Under a special request, allow me to share a little audio encounter of a rather humiliating story of our dear Boleh Land.

Was inside the KLIA express and of course on my way to the airport no I just simply love the 28 minutes ride and take it for fun When the train was about to stop, clearly they would be announcing that the journey will come to its end and hope you'll enjoy the ride and bla bla bla bla, just the same usual noble saying like just before you disembark from an aircraft. HA! Imagine when I heard over the speakers that

"The train will terminate here."

WTF..? I was
completely stunned. Be it the train journey or our cruise voyage or thank you for flying with us rubbish, what sort of brilliant idiots will actually use the word TERMINATE to indicate that the little train trip has come to its destination and will end here.?

The genius word usage of TERMINATE is like telling the passengers, mind you that consist of people from around the globe ( which I'm perfectly sure know the international language of ENGLISH) all heading to the bloody well known international airport that the train is about to be terminated here and we'll all die here because of the sudden explosion of hell knows which compartment and we'll be blown into a million pieces. Okay, so I was exaggerating, so what.?

I did not catch the Malay version but I'm perfectly sure even if direct translation of terminate to DIMATIKAN isn't exactly a very wise choice of word besides our journey will end or stop here or perjalanan kami akan berhenti atau sampai sini sahaja.

Imagine, perjalanan kita akan dimatikan sekarang. Wow, isn't that simply fantastic. We're all gonna mati.?

And I guess being a Malaysian after all, I'll simply stop here to further criticise some of its public well known transport that's widely used by people that comes from all over the world all riding the nice train, fast and punctual arrival and the comfy compartment only to being informed the train will actually just be TERMINATED like any other machines instead of stopping like usual train does.

Wow, don't we just love our country.?

Okay, so I was wrong, but am not gonna delete this post. I just thought its a funny word choice because I didn't think it was a right word, but it wasn't wrong. Just not wise, at least I thought. And who am I to complain.? Just rant my two cents out. =P (23 Dec 2006)

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Hard shoulders

I just got back from Sandakan yesterday, a four days trip which revolves around visiting my maternal grandparents and also heavy seafood indulgence. Arghhhh, all these food luxuries make me guilty.

This is the place where I crawl out from my mom's womb, spend the first three years of my short life here and that's it. Can I call this my hometown.? After all, I grew up in two different cities but not where I was born.

Anyway, the thing about a small city is that everywhere you go, you tend to bump into someone you know. And this happens every time.

I have not a single FRIEND here or acquaintance here at all. Everyone I knew here is somehow related or just relatives of a relative and the lines go on and on. And yet, every time I came back, no matter where I go, I still manage to bump into someone I do know.

Whether its because this nature city is really small, or because there's not much place to go and naturally people just turns up at the same place as you do. After all, there's not much choice and somehow, does this mean coincidence really exists.?

I realise I'm seeing things differently. For why, I do not know. For how, scenes playing in front of me are sending a different message to my brain cells, change of interpretation or simply my mind is playing tricks during this holidays.?

The massage lady told me I'm stressed, with hard shoulders when I'm not working nor studying now. I wonder why.? I'm nervous bout my first term results that's gonna be out in less than 12 hours, but I also know nothing is gonna change it already.

So, what's causing my tense shoulder.?

Me perhaps.?

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Drifting on...

I used to think that when you're down, feeling blue or something major just hit you, it's very inspiring. Life have yet manage to pull a stunt and revealed a rather interesting story for you to look upon.

And that's when your mind starts to put words together and if done correctly or if you're lucky enough, something creative might just be born.

I'm getting lazy with my blog, writing less, but my mind has yet to rest in reciting words. I hate it that I'm losing the will to put a few words when I actually love it.

When melancholy creeps into me, I used to write more. It's therapeutic for me, it soothes me silently and it's the place where I dwell in.

Somehow, I felt like I'm wrecking myself up. Throwing myself into a black blue hole. Why am I giving myself such a hard time.? Am I punishing myself.?

Or I simply couldn't let myself go.? Am I addicted in giving myself some pressure.? But what if I overdose myself.? Unconsciously.?

Why is it always the hardest to deal with yourself.?

It appears that, I've changed, or simply grown.? For better or worse.? I'd like to know very much myself. And who would kindly tell me.?

Myself, or you.?

Tuesday, December 12, 2006


1. Drifting further.

2. Still hate myself.

3. Even more.

4. Getting worse.

5. Just what I need.

6. Perfect.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Still drifting...

When you look at the sea, the calmness of it soothes people down. Yet the actual strength it holds is so powerful it could actually drown the whole world. The irony of nature and also humanity, blending into the life's of earth's inhabitants, creating a difference perhaps.?

There's always the unspoken yet acknowledged challenge that we still love to go for once a while. It's either you succeed or failed, but in the end of the night, what's exactly that we're hunting for, what do we actually achieved? And what we have not.?

The parallel of human who always ask for more, or perhaps simply striving for the best as they still can.? Climbing up a ladder that's without a top nor promise an end. There will be always some who stop, or some who could climb no more, remaining stationary where no further progress could be done.

Was it the natural greed of human kind, or simply the necessity of society's drastic and constant changes of trend that boost this unnecessary yet preferred option that we chose to take all the time.? In fact, a route we all go whether desired or not.?

What if one couldn't afford at all to continue the unbearable progress, can one stop abruptly out of the blue and take off.? Or can one actually just walk down the stairs with millions of eyes piercing into them.?

Are such choices allowed to their existence or simply an option that one make without knowing if it's acceptable or not in the beginning.? Simply full ignorance.? Or perhaps, what's considered as acceptable, and what's not.? And why is it so important to be accepted.? For being ignorant doesn't actually mean it's right.? What's right and what's not then.?

Fuck, yet another post I managed to scribble out without knowing what is it about. Just fantastic.

Thursday, December 07, 2006


I never regard or take myself as someone who has seen a lot in my current life of twenty years lived, but neither do I think myself as a shallow thinker who have yet to seen anything at all.

Perhaps I have yet to seen what's considered as a lot, but it's not to be taken as little too, where I can proudly climb out of my invisible shield and say what I thought when it's necessary, or perhaps just add a little pinch of sugar to the tea I'm boiling.

As day goes by and you became a day older, things around you tends to shift or appear in a different manner that you initially thought about. It's not always what you expect it would be, after all, you're no God.

Acceptance turns an easier angle for you to go through, unexpected happenings finds their way in, and suddenly it struck you hard, you're getting flexible to things around you. Very indeed.

In the course of learning new things, your brain unknowingly undergoes the silent yet important lesson of absorbing not only what's been taught, but also what that discretely pass by and supposedly invisible too.

If you were able to pick up what was initially overlook, it sends a rather different message and perhaps signifies you're starting to learn. The fact that you're looking things from another perspective that will leads you into a more complete thinker. A better person perhaps.? Of course, if only you allow it to be.

It's even more vital when life took a sudden turning, and you've come to realise that it surprises you so much that you're actually capable of accepting the uncommon and even better, think from someone else's shoes that you would not be able to wear. Not, in your lifetime.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006


Leaving to Kuching in a few hours. Will be there for a week. Update when I'm back. Ta!

Monday, November 27, 2006

I'm home and bored.

It surprises me that what a short time time could do to someone. If I was accustomed to the truth, it shouldn't have surprised me at all. It was something within me, something that I've thought before. Perhaps the then me was too stubborn to have yet acknowledge its rather unwelcome existence.?

You can wake up in the morning, hating someone you wish to kill and chop them into pieces and then feed them to stray dogs. But then when night fall, you love that person so much you secretly wish you're glued to them forever, silently praying that they love you as mush as you do. (I guess the same applies to loving someone till death now and hating them enough to kill them tomorrow)

But you never know whether its one sided and you're just the fool who's over sensitive and think a little too much. Or simply you're hallucinating.?

You asked yourself, whats wrong with me.? Or with them.? How could you change so fast.? Did you misjudge them at the beginning.? And now that you finally know them, you realise they're not so bad after all? Or perhaps, you've learn to love those whom you hate. Okay, learn to reduce your hatred to those you dislike.

Or simply you're the one who's acting odd by changing so fast and that particular person did not change after all.? You alter yourself into the circle and started to like them without realising that you're obviously changing into a different person.?

Which one are you.? Or which one am I.?

I wish I knew.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Too much

Sometimes you find yourself staring at the mirror, looking at your own confused reflection and here comes the regular question. Am I thinking too much.?

Why do we always find ourselves stranded in a state full of excessive unnecessary thoughts.? Are we simply just doing some thinking without realising that it's too much.? Or like most people are, we're perfectly aware of what we're doing isn't any help at all but you just can't help it.? I mean, it's not like we shouldn't waste our time in thinking things, but just don't over do it. If only we could.

But I guess the roots lies where we have no control of what our brain decide to think. Come again, I think that's wrong. We have absolutely the rights and ability to control what we want to think and what we do not want to.

Just that how strong is our will power.? How strong are you to control what you're thinking and what you're not.? How tough can you get before you allow your mind to wander around.?

Thinking about something is completely different with thinking too much about something. But then again, when one is disturbed with a particular something, one is bound to think more about it. It's just a natural human response to whatever that's of our concern.

I guess it's another different story when you're thinking too much not because you're disturbed, but because you're too bloody free and just sitting there whole day waiting to poo. Hmmmmm....

I wonder is it the same when the situation involves more than one party and only one side is concerned or felt the issue and started the marathon thinking, does the problem lies within the thinker.? Or simply the thinker once again, did it again by thinking too much.?

I hate it when there's no absolute answers to certain inevitable questions. Then again, nothing is perfect and some questions are not meant to be answered. Then why do such questions exists.?

Good question.

Friday, November 24, 2006

I'm home!!!

I sat here alone by the window, in a bumpy aircraft, gazing at water droplets gliding over the glass screen, passing by my eyes. The giant bird, taking off into the sky, enlightens the lonely me with the sight's of it's gigantic metal wing.

Flying through those fluffy whitish cotton cloud proves to be a rather shaky ride than the usual calm one. For the sky is crying, raindrops keep falling on my head. Even though I'm under a shelter and untouched. No, is I can't be touched. But yet, a sudden sense of comfort flows through my supposedly warm yet freezing blood, I'm heading home.

Perhaps there seem to be nothing special about going back or even missing home when you're far away from home. I guess, its not about the house or anything, it's the homey feeling. Not the fact that again, I'll locked myself within this small space facing white colour painted walls, a place I call my room. My safe womb outside mom's womb.

Flying across the South China Sea, with a sea of blue beneath me, slowly replaced by the pearly white cloud where we're buried temporarily but rather constantly. And not forgetting the bluish sky, that's slowly getting dark as minutes slowly ticked.

I actually realised I missed gazing up at the sky, slowly turning dark even before the clock strikes seven. It's rather odd, yet it felt nice. The panoramic view outside blended with the amazing colours of a beautiful horizon, a mixture of blue, white, orange, yellow and who knows what other colours.? Sun set after all is a beauty beyond any words.

With long freaky looking lightning bolts zooming down to earth as the bird gets nearer, instead of the usual melancholy message of dark weather, the only thing I could hear from my inner voice was, I'm home. I'm finally home.

And again, I manage to find myself enjoying travelling alone. It's a great reflection where everything around you turns into a story from your disclosed observation and interpretation. You see things differently, a rather new angle or perhaps a certain perspective that you seldom come across with.

I wonder how much have I've change or perhaps, grown this time.? After spending some time living alone in a complete foreign place.? I guess I have to read five month's worth of my own writings to find out.


Wednesday, November 22, 2006


You pass by a playground and you saw kids falling off their bikes and still laughing hysterically with their little friends. It seems silly to you, seems heart wrenching to dear mother watching their kids getting hurt, but to them, its fun. Simple, yet you're yearning for it.

You look at those little monsters laughing heartily, without a slight sense of worry or pressure and you started to think, are there really that happy? Don't they have anything to think about.? (Yeah, how to pull some ingenious stunt to piss mom off.)

What about grown ups who always seems to be on top of the world every single day.? Its like in their dictionary, there's no such words as sad, tense or even problems.

Are those people of living joy has no negative traits at all in their blood.? Or simply they're so good in acting.? Or perhaps, they're just human who plays well in the expressing game.?

If only feelings can be expressed easily over drawing little smiley faces. Would life be so much easier then.? Expressing is never an easy job. Not to mention expressing it the right way, or the wrong way.

Is expressing what you felt the same as telling the truth.? Being honest about what you're feeling and thinking, and the direction both are heading, in revealing them out. Telling the truth, expressing your feeling, has these two little things always been on par?

There are times when your expression went rightly but the results went wrongly. You thought you've managed to expressed what you truly felt, but not knowingly at the same time, you indirectly hurt someone with your true feelings.

Are we wrong then in being honest.? Even in expressing what you felt, you have to be careful in order not to do it the wrong way that can meant something else to others. Is it necessary then.? Your feelings not only affects you, but also those around you.

If we're always too busy looking out for how others might felt because of what you felt, are we gonna have time to look after our own feelings then.? I'm not saying we should be the cold blooded bastard and don't give a shit but anyone at all, but what's the limit to it.? After all, can you always afford to put others before yourself first.? And isn't that a fool.? Or simply Mr. Nice Guy.?

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Where are you.?

They asked me where am I when I was standing right in front of them. Where has the confident me gone to.?

Arrogance and ego comes at a price. People either loves you or hates you.

Bitch.? Yes, whether it's the aura or simply the huge confidence that I wore proudly in my skin, I love it. And that is what that won myself, me. But it's starting to fade. The vision is getting paler as time goes by and it's eating me alive. I'm in desperate need to seek it back, because I need it. Terribly.

Miss Kelly, where did you go.?

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

I couldn't think of a title.

It sucks, but I'm used to it. Growing to be immune of my surrounding where people started to leave one by one, carrying their heavy loaded bags with a big groan stick to their face, I'm going home!!

Just perfect, just what I need every time I'm battling here with the horrendous exam, passing rooms with packed luggage ready to run once the bell rung.

Not like me, someone who hasn't gone home since I got my ass landed in this shabby old room that I've grown to like.

Not like me, being one out of two courses in first years that had papers all the way through the third exam week that I've no choice but accept.

You listen to people around you complaining that they wanted so much to go home, despite having gone home two bloody weeks ago. You listen to their annoying rants of exam that ends late and how unlucky they are.

People who say they really can't stand the emotional challenge of looking at others going home one by one, earlier than they are, the happy spirit with no exam pressure but only the pleasure of eating home cooked meal and the security of your long awaiting bed. And fuzzy little teddy bear.

Longing for that am I.? I knew this day would come the day I fill in my application with some universities away from home. But I still chose this route.

The nature of the rebellious running in my blood that itches me to leave home and learn to be independent, or simply to be far away from the stressful eyes of dear old parents.?

Yet, I do miss home. Not only those house luxuries of unlimited and unbarred Internet, the good old TV with Astro that's tempting me with CSI, the comfort of my creaky bed, the familiarity of my room, not to mention the food that awaits me back home. Even the idea of having a fridge and hot water shower sends little smiles to my long face.

I would leave my family out of these scribbles. It is not something that can be described with bold words alone, nor a picture, but the feeling it paints inside my little heart. Yes, I do have feelings and emotion. In fact, I have a lot of them. Expressing them in words is different from showing funny or sulky faces.

There are certain things that a writer can't put him or herself to write. Leave alone me, a wistful blogger. Whether it's a self deceiving act or simply an act of modesty towards what I truly felt, I dare not care too much.

I no longer ask why, I've learn I need no to. Yet.

Hmmmm, the rainy weather, exam traumas, homesick feeling and a warmer brain with fever does contribute do the melancholy me that had emerged. Again.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006


The thunder roars over the heavenly sky, shaking dear old planet earth in a wistful way, at least to me it is. It shook the inhabitants, scaring us into hiding beneath our familiar warm cozy blanket that silently provides us with secure. The great thunder sounds that resembles a giant explosive that's just been released and a quake happened. One with only great volume that lingers long enough in our ear muffs that's as though screaming in front of our face, that our mature nature is exploding. It's rather disturbing, unnerving, in this place that's far away, in the middle of no where, less populated, even empty, in certain area. Yet, who are we to go against nature.? Silence in the air blended with strikes of lightning painting the grayish atmosphere indeed do send a sense of loneliness, creepiness and even fear, into those of us who's dwelling in a sea of uncertainties. Freaky as it is, the feeling of a suspicious looking stranger with no face, only the rhythmic footsteps, slowly crawling into our lup dup lup dup, pumping little cardiac muscular organ, dear heart.

It's been raining cats and dogs everyday, creepy thunder that send chills to our bodies, and it just contributes more to the blueish me, after all, it's the tense period of finals. Life, is such a life.

Saturday, November 11, 2006


Guy : I've always wondered how lactose intolerant girls can produce milk.

Me : You can produce shit doesn't mean you can eat them.

Guy : HAHA. Nice analogy, you can produce shit doesn't mean you can eat them. You should post it in you blog

And I did. =)

Is it the same with what you can do doesn't mean its liable to you.?

By the way, people can't digest milk is because because they don't have lactase and girls produce milk because progesterone stimulates the production of prolactin during child labor that triggers milk gland to produce milk. =)) See, I'm bio student arr!!!

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Oh my dear neighbours.

Another long post of rants, spare me, it's the exam week. FINALS!

You see, when your brain is slightly too packed at a certain short period, your mind tend to do little tricks to you. A lot. And eventually every little things around you seems to be getting on your nerves. Everything is just too damn annoying to be ignored.

But then, one thing I've always always tolerated and clearly tested my patience to a great extent and still is, is the brilliance of my neighbours. Okay, call them level mates, block mates, com mates (College mates means you're in the same hostel) or whatsoever, I somehow wonder how do actually behave at home and how can they claimed to a civilised undergraduate student.

Okay, each level has two washroom, each at the end of each wing. And on my side, there's a few extremely intelligent ladies who smuggled in rice cooker and no, I'm in no way interested in whatever dishes they cook. But the most annoying unbearable thing is, instead of using the room that has 3 large sinks for washing purposes which is about two feet away from the washroom, they love the washroom tiny sink which is for brushing your yellow gooish teeth and washing your oily face. Not wash your greasy plates and bowls and flood the sink with extremely disgusting left overs of what ever you ate. Plus those insects that's attracted to these sort of stinking odor are all flying and crawling around the sink simply makes its completely repulsive. And of course, any sane human won't choose to use it and maybe there are smart asses that can stand the stench and torturing eye sight, like those who created them.

Another genius stunt by them is by messing up the sink right after the cleaning lady clean the bathroom. You see, when you walked into a clean bathroom, it feel so much better than a dirty one with oil stain in sinks and bits of food cloaked. And these smart ladies just LOVE to pollute them with their cooking stunts.

Not to mention their loo stunts and don't get me started with that!

Another thing about these ladies where I couldn't recognize them after they wrapped their head as always if they have to go somewhere, they love to clean their room. As in sweep their room all the time and their silly mind doesn't register that they should throw those dust and whatsoever stuff they swept into the dumpster, not the corridor way.

Yes, they just love to sweep sweep sweep everything out of their room and that's it! Which is pratically outside right next to their door, there's always a little poodle of dust and hairs (YUCK) and if you're unlucky or happens to be day dreaming, you might just step on it.

Imagine the cleaning lady rage! And no, the cleaning lady has nothing to do with me for I just don't believe that just because they're job is to clean the place doesn't mean you can dirty it all the time. They don't work 24 hours, not like you littering whole day long and expect everyone to follow behind your filthy little actions and clean up after you.

I've even witnessed the little lady who lived right next to me opening her door and straight away throw out water from her bottle right there! Hello, it's a flat cement floor with no holes for your water to flow away, not to mention your little dust cake.?

I was a little surprised by her act at first, but I soon found out that for them to discard anything outside their room is considered OKAY regardless where they throw it.

And the odd thing is that their room always looked so clean and neat when their cleaning stunts involve throwing stuff right outside the door, the corridor who I unfortunately have to always walk by being furthest away. And also they're brilliant loo stunts to dirty up the place that all of us have to use including them. DAMN..

Rantings done, study next. Great, just perfect!

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

And I Hate You So

Do you hate me.? I don't know. Do I want to know.? I don't mind to, but I don't care too. Tell me if you want, if you don't, fine.

If you do hate me, why then.? Should I ask you why, or should I ask myself why.? Does it matter so much then.? Hate or not hate.? Depends on who the bloody person is.?

Should I care or not care.? Can I afford to not care.? But if I care too much, would you hate me more.?

Should I be a hypocrite and continue respecting you then.? For the sake of unpredictable future purposes? Am I still truthful then? Is it right or wrong to do so.? I felt like a freaking user but what have I done to make you hate me so much.?

I look in the mirror, the image that's painted in front of me, self reflection. I try not to burden you, I try not to probe you, but it doesn't help that you didn't respond me at all.

I need a fucking answer and I understand perfectly well what your bloody ignorant signals meant. But regardless, I NEED to know. I don't wish to keep tagging or approaching you and sounds like your mom but please, certain questions do require at least an answer and why can't you just fucking say yes or no for a simple word or two is not gonna kill you.

Just because it's not important and sounds like whole load of nonsense to you doesn't mean the same thing apply to me. I am not that thick and ignorant enough to waste my time by asking you if it wasn't something that requires a feedback.

If you haven't the intention to attend me at all then don't fucking come looking for it in the beginning. I, like other people, understand what you're trying to do. Why show us the green light when you act like a bloody reddish light that just STOP once you're shiny greenish annoying litlle bulb magnificently did worked.?

A rather ungraceful post created due to exam traumas for blogs are meant to be therapeutic sometimes.

Saturday, November 04, 2006


Today marks the beginning of my first final exam in my campus life. And it occurs to me that I'm surrounded with people with chameleon traits. With people that's full of fun I used to hang out with taking a massive 360 degree turn with stress engraved in their forehead, a huge label with tense written on it hanging invisibly in front of them, losing their appetites and I, as the pedestrians of their life felt guilty beside them.

Its not that I'm well prepared or what, in fact I think they're much more better prepared than i am, but the thing is, I'm not as panic stricken as they are. And it puts me in rather dark place with a slight hint of light. Is it because I don't care that much for my studies or simply I mastered better stress management.?

Don't get me wrong, I love myself very much and that's why studies is crucially important for me. Whether I study or not is another different story. And I do worry for my studies, but not to the extent of losing appetite (maybe because I love food too bloody much to ignore them) or started drifting like a lifeless soul.

No, I am not point picking them are laughing at them for being such a fool. In fact, looking at them is like reflecting myself maybe I should work harder, but somehow I can't help myself from pitying them for being so stress out and the sad picture here is that they do know all these self warring system isn't doing any help but further worsen themselves prior to exam.

Maybe I should indeed work harder, I do get stressed but somehow the laziness is stronger and covered up those tense feeling. And every single person has different ways of handling what they encountered or are bound to be so.

None of us is entitled to judge or what soever, but it pains when someone close or someone you care is wearing themselves out by doing something on their own conscience that's not beneficiary and further negates them.

Its sad, yet it simply inevitable.

We can't play god, we-shouldn't-be-a-busy-body-friend-can-you-please-leave-me-alone, we can just go on living. After all, this is non of my business.? Can we still call ourselves a truthful genuine friend then.?

I guess, I'll just be who I am.

( 7 more bloody papers to go)

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Are you disappointed?

Sometimes, you woke up the middle of the night and suddenly it strikes you that, what have you done.? Self reflecting moment that happens in a least expected blue second that just decided to pops out of no where and say hello to the blank blurry face of yours.

How many times do we come across something that happens out of our way.? Not what we expect, or perhaps just something that had got a little off the line we've drawn earlier.

When disappointment visits us once a while, I wonder if there's people who analyze how they deal with it every time.? Do we just sulk, try and get over it and that's the end of it.? Or sat down and reflect what have gone wrong this time.?

There are also people who hardly agrees with failures and any disappointing moments. But then, none of us on this sphere is blessed or honored with super powers of immunity from coming face to face with such scene. After all, we are no God and no one is perfect

It only differs in how every individual comes to deal with these unwelcome yet inevitable traumas that happens once a while. It could be taken as a lesson if you allowed it to be, a form of motivation and guide to not repeat the same mistake again or simply a sign to show you how far you've gone and just a little bit more of improvement will bring you to the place you've always wanted to be.

Or perhaps, you chose the darker path, and take it as a black sign to wake you and start viewing reality for real. Another discouraging factor that contributes to your white flag.?

Sometimes, disappointment puts us in a dilemma. Should we not be shattered by it and continue striving for what we believe is best for us.? Or should would really try to accept the message it conveys, that its time to take another turn for this path clearly isn't what we're meant for.?

Are you really what you think you are.?

Monday, October 30, 2006

At last.

11 freaking days the pathetic server refused me the access to beta blogger and finally today, it works.!!

This few days was spend mostly rotting in room ranting of boredom instead of piling up the books and stuffing those worldly words and information into our procrastinating brain cells. Thanks to Rapid kl we still have transport to get out of campus once a while even thought you can see how empty the bus is every time it passes by.

The extremely deserted campus few days ago, from you can hardly spot a soul to the more livelier today, it sends a sense of relief to us who've been staying here throughout the whole holidays. Only a week has gone by and people are all merrily coming back, obviously exchanging details about their festive holidays with one another.

And if anyone is bold enough to ask me, I guess the answer would be how we got over those forever annoying wailing starving cats that's still capable of leaving their hellish stinky digestive creation @ poo, in the washroom when they're practically not eating at all. Not forgetting those creepy starry eyes that pierced into us trying to hypnotize us into sympathizing them and feed them which clearly would never happen. Yes, I'm cruel with cats because I sincerely from the bottom of my heart HATE them. And I'm still living with it!! Because I have to. =.=!!

I was told not to underestimate of what could happen, because what happens is always something you least expect. Sometimes I think this is only true when you're too unrealistic and living in faraway fantasy land. That's why you're always either disappointed or surprised with what happen and this would seldom happen to the rational realistic me. I'm a realist, not an idealist. And there's a huge difference in between.

The new discoveries you made even in a short time, can split you into two, or even break you into a million pieces, but there are the times when they can make you into a better solid single person. It's amazing how your little experience shapes your thoughts into something new and completely different and these changes certainly plays a big role here, or even the future.

I guess, I have to hang in there.

Thursday, October 19, 2006


Your friend came to you with a sobby face and teary eyes, telling you silently and obviously that they need help. You accept them willingly with your wide open arms, having them in your embrace. Do you attend to them as if they're the fragile new born infant, or just treat them like the adult they are.?

Friends with a broken heart, or a shattered soul that come to seek refuge in you, are you then suppose to give them comforting words or just be mute and lend them a sympathetic ear plus a supporting shoulder for them to lean on.?

Or neither, you analyze their problem, pick out what's right, what's wrong and tell them what to do and what not to.? For the sake that they would not repeat the same mistake anymore.? And at that time, a rather fugly character to play as what your friend needs now is support, not point picking.? And of course if you do it in a bad way, it gets even worse and here, let us assume your advice is really good. If it's not, well, your friend should be running. Okay, perhaps they should be helping you back then.

What happens then if they did nothing wrong.? But they were hurt terribly? Do they need someone to tell them they're right, or simply someone that would hear them proclaim they are right.?

Most of them time, when friends came to you, telling you they need help (advice) or when their heart is shattered to pieces of glasses, do they really mean what they said.? Because most of the time, you'll end up listening to their rants only. I guess its right then, when friends are in need of help for their problems, help is always translated as listener.

After all, they don't need your cheesy advice, they just want a place for them to rant, for them to release themselves a little without having someone that would shoot them back. A hurt-free-zone that guarantees comfort and security. To have someone that would tell them they were right and support them regardless of the actual situation. They do not need someone else to make them feel even worse than they are already. Especially from friends. They just wanted a friend.

This is rather odd. A friend is suppose to be someone who is truthful and honest to you. Telling you whats right and wrong even though it could be unpleasant to hear so. The truth is always what we avoid, the ugliest thing to bear.

But then, why would you need a friend who would only show you their smiley face all the time and not a word of reality.? Do you really want a so called friend who could just comfort you and make you feel like hugging them all the time but when it comes to practical and realistic stuff, all they manage to do is still the same old smile.? Are you really that shallow in selecting friends.?

I guess this is when the odds and ends meet. A friend, you have to give whats best to your friend, be it a sympathetic ear, a mother's love, a view as an outsider accompanied by the sharpness and honesty regardless it might hurt.

As bad as it may seems, being hurt for the right reason when your friend reveals the truth about you that you had refused to acknowledge yourself, is better than being hurt by others that hurt you because you were too ignorant a fool. And how could you still call this a betrayal from your friend then, after all, they had been helping you. Just that it was in a rather harsh way or else it would never sink in your stubborn cells

I guess after all, a friend needs to know when to be a bitch/bastard and when to be a fluffy cozy mute little teddy bear too. Flexibility.?

Monday, October 16, 2006

I love what I do, but I hate my job.

Slightly long, slightly harsh, slightly confused of what I wrote myself.

Here comes the time in life when you have to start and learn how to work with people you do not like. Make it hate. You have to face ugly people with idiotic brain or perhaps even worse, with a snob or dork engraved in their forehead and they're emitting extreme repulsing toxic. You love what you do and the working environment, but someone there is such a pain in the ass and your greatest desire is to kick him or her to Mars Pluto.

But then, you don't have to like someone in order to work with them, because you work for yourself, not them. If you're really capable, you would be able to work under whatsoever condition. Be it unpleasant, uninviting, unbearable or even completely almost unworkable state. If you still manage to work under these nearly zero intolerable situation, this is what that push you further in front . The ability to mingle and adapt in all sorts of environment from A to Z and still excel in it is what puts you on top everything. The practice of your application in mastering your intelligence and maturity with flexibility and effectiveness.

If you have an amazing IQ of 180 accompanied with great motivation and dedication to something you're genuinely interested in, providing you're fortunate enough, this could be your dream job. But if you do not or have yet to master the art of society surviving skills, it's useless, for you do not know who you might end up working with.

Once you're placed with someone you hate or dislike, you completely sink to the lowest level that's beyond your imagination. You lost your efficiency due to your inability in confronting yourself to work because someone there is a gigantic pain in the ass with a constantly polished bottom waiting to be kick 24/7 a day but you're kicked instead. How sad, yet reality screams louder in front of your confused face.

You're perhaps slightly better because you simply do not possess the techniques of protecting your precious buttock and the ultimate way of scoring a world cup standard foot action. Perhaps it's not that bad after all, you're just naive, still young and very innocent. An unpolluted snowy white piece of paper, still perfectly clean. A child.

But hey, the world does not wait for you, neither do society and time. I DON'T KNOW is not an excuse, and would never be. The roots of this most spoken three little words is crying for help, telling you its time or perhaps you're already late to search for the answer. You will not be excluded from reality just because you haven't learn to accept it. Learn, practice and master it unless you're prepared to have your ass kicked around forever.

You might call it hypocrite, self suppressing, self deceiving, self denial, lying to yourself to work with someone you hate. Or you think it's just too wrong and too fake to force yourself into something that's strictly against your principles and beliefs, or simply what you really really really genuinely dislike.

But, it's an extremely important step in your life to learn it. It's what that shapes you into tomorrow's world and what that would brighten up your route for you to fly into the society once your wings are fully grown. It has became a necessity as day goes by and look at the society and the world we're now living in.

In order to get what you truly desire, you would have to work for it and earn it in the smartest, righteous, most sensible and effective way that you're able to perform and also accept no matter who you're placed with because you ain't living alone in dear old planet earth. Prove it to yourself that your short or long term goal is within your reach without having to go against yourself anymore and you're neither shallow nor easily shaken.

Wake up, you're not deceiving yourself, not trying to be a person you're not, no self contradicting. You've simply learned a hard lesson that you once hated, the right way to survive and never forget it's a real world you're living in. There will always be someone out there you don't see eye to eye with waiting for you to kick their ass discover.

I've warned you...............

Friday, October 13, 2006

Money can buy everything but......

Money can buy you a house, but not a home.

Money can buy you food, but not appetite.

Money can buy you a bed, but not a good sleep.

Money can buy you medicine, but not health.

Money can buy you blood, but not life.

Money can buy you people, but not friends.

Money can buy you sex, but not love.

Money can buy you appearance, but not beauty.

Money can buy you a book, but not knowledge.

Money can buy you a clock, but not time.

Money can buy you position, but not respect.

Money can buy you insurance, but not safety.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006


My right eye is swollen up terribly into the size of Jupiter and my face look like a gigantic egg is momentarily attached to my eye and below!! Not to mention another humongous pimple bruise currently claiming it's residence at my right cheek. My right face is completely jinxed!! To make matters worse, I have a group presentation at 5pm later and I happened to be the fucking leader with dear lecturer expecting something from us!! Arghhhhhhhh..!!!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Screwing or screwed.?

Early registration of second semester subjects has just begun, and this time I'm praying that I wouldn't end up in the same class again with certain smartie bum bum who loves to be with you because they know you make a good work partner for their lazy self.

I guess its pretty common where there are people who work their asses off, and there are people who got their asses kicked for lazying till their asses flatten. The unfortunate or what I like to call learning opportunity is somehow inevitable in university life. You're bound to end up with group works or presentation that has at least one or two members that just sit there whole day waiting for us to kick their asses to mars.

If you don't, you'll end up one being another one who got whipped and sent to mars with Mr or Miss I-dunno-how-to-do-you're-so-smart-help-me-do-please-thank-you. And you got no choice but to save his or her ass as well when you're saving yours while ranting your complaints and silently hitting yourself because you're going against your wishes rescuing someone who doesn't give a damn about you.

Yes. You do get to learn more, and they manage to go even further with their idiotic mind but your mind tells you that it's so unfair. Yea, but I guess I've come to the point that I don't give a damn and to hell with them. I do my part, regardless we get the same marks, but I learn more and guess what, if I screw up, so are they. Perhaps even worse than I did.

And going behind informing the lecturer isn't such a brilliant idea. Unless I was being back stabbed instead, I wouldn't do so if they just quietly accept the fact that after all I did the bloody work because they're too smart to be doing themselves. I would not because it doesn't do any good beside worsen the current condition.

Perhaps my work would be more recognized but I might lost some future potential person for me to mock and get help from. Yeah, I'm selfish, but you taught me that, those who first got their hands on me, and guess what, I've learned.

Screw you.

The haze is still terrible around here. Few days ago it rained a little bit giving us a happy clear day. But these few days it's getting even worse, the weather is boiling hot with a not very sunny day because dear sun is hiding behind the haze bed. When night comes with a little moisture in the air, it looks like we're in some higher area with foggy mist, just that it's not and it's not cooling too. Even though it has reached the pretty unhealthy level, I still see no one around the campus wearing a mask. Hmmmmmmmmm..........

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Its clear again.

Friday, October 06, 2006


It's the time of the year again where lanterns are hanging everywhere, mooncakes swarming in shopping complexe, selling at ridiculous price for one tiny little cake that can be gone in a few bites, not to mention the odd sweetness that cursed my tongue.

Perhaps because I'm faraway from home, thinking of my family and the usual small dinner feast, alone with no merry chatterings and that's why I despise dear old mooncake. NO. I just don't fancy them. I never did.

Besides not taking any form of egg yolk, I dislike them because everything is just too sweet. Perhaps only to me. And I guess the important thing is that it signifies the mooncake festival is here and is time to have a nice family gathering again.

My dad once said, its not about what you ate or the specialties of the taste such peculiar food gave you, but it's the meaning of eating it in certain time with certain people and for the sake of it's significant.

When everyone is talking about going home for its the fifteenth of the eight month of our lunar year, it simply reminds so much of home cooked food, what my mom used to make for such nights, her famous soup and her lo hon ko drink. Simply craving for it. Not forgetting dad's chef stunt once a while. I won't even mind washing an enormous amount of dishes and cleaning up the greasy kitchen.

Here I am, alone in the middle of foggy forest , gazing at the reddish moon hidden behind the hazy polluted air bed. Well that's if only I have the mood for a midnight stroll carrying the paper lantern searching for the big yellow roundish sphere that's suppose to be the desert of the festival. And the Chinese has the old saying, when you miss home, take a look at the moon.

I miss home.

Thursday, October 05, 2006


The past few days have been rather hazy, foggy visual that's intoxicating our dear lungs. In this isolated area surrounded by the forest, it feels rather dreamy.

Even the idea of going out for a walk or jog is clearly inadvisable. Blazing hot in day time, sometimes long hours of rain at night. What a climate.

These unpredictable weather usually means nothing to ordinary people, just another day with a lousy or weird weather, fairly acceptable especially in our country of hot and wet. But then I wonder if I'm having too much time to think nonsense or what, these weather somehow affects my mood.

It's hot, everyone get pissed off easily for its just so annoying. Hot and sweating like a pig and still faced with ridiculous idiot matters, everything just comes out naturally.

Hazy vision, lonesome rainy days, such a melancholy environment. Couldn't help but feel the same way too. Perhaps I'm too shallow, easily influenced by such little factors.?

My lectures been getting lesser everyday, leaving me plenty of time alone. For assignments or self procrastinate event, its all up to me. The tormented weather is such a perfect place for laziness breeding.

And I wonder why these free time had not boost up my entries.? Too lazy to write.? Or simply haven't the idea of what to write, and hence better not to? Like this tactless post.?

It figures, I guess.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

As time goes by.

Time by Chantal Kreviazuk

Time, where did you go?
Why did you leave me here alone?
Wait, don't go so fast
I'm missing the moments as they pass
Now I've looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer
So wait for me this time
I'm down, I'm down on my knees
I'm begging for all your sympathy
But you (I'm just an illusion)
You don't seem to care (I wish that I could)
You humble people everywhere (I don't mean to hurt you)
Now I've looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer
I'll take what you give me.
Please know that I'm learning
So wait for me this time
I should've know better
I shouldn't have wasted those days
And afternoons and mornings
I threw them all away
Now this is my time
I'm going to make this moment mine.(I shouldn't have wasted those days)
I'll take what you give me.
Please know that I'm learning
I've looked in the mirror
My world's getting clearer
So wait for me this time

Time does not wait, and everyday we battle against time, fighting with it. If one day you found yourself having too much "time", does it mean you're simply too free and have yet to achieved anything since everyone around you is yearning for more.? Wishing blindly that time would wait for you, or begging dear genie to grant your wish of having more than 24 hours a day. While some, silently praying that time would go faster, soul drifting through lifelessly. Not forgetting those who are forever captured in time, frozen, stationary as time goes by.

Monday, October 02, 2006

The last time

When was the last time you went crazy and REALLY had fun.?
When was the last time you're in stress-free zone.?
When was the last time you take your time and enjoyed your hot shower instead of rushing to finish it.?
When was the last time you stop worrying for at least one bloody thing.?
When was the last time you hugged or kissed your parents.?
When was the last time you missed home.?
When was the last time you slept so well and had a remarkable dream.?
When was the last time you woke up feeling awesome and totally recharged instead of lazying for another few minutes?
When was the last time you felt at least a little satisfied towards your life.?
When was the last time you said thank you and you really do mean it.?
When was the last time you felt blessed.?
When was the last time you've been hugged really tight.?
When was the last time you really felt someone do care for you.?
When was the last time you felt being loved.?
When was the last time you expressed your thoughts out honestly.?
When was the last time you cried like mad and felt damn good after it.?
When was the last time you REALLY laugh out heartily and there was tears coming out from your eyes.?
When was the last time some stranger made you smile.? Genuinely.?
When was the last time you smile at a stranger.?
When was the last time you help a stranger out.?
When was the last time you didn't criticize or complain at least once a day.?
When was the last time you stop and think how far have you gone throughout your short life.?
When was the last time you actually felt good about yourself.?

Friday, September 29, 2006

You're fake.

He said everyone is a pretender.

No one on this bloody world doesn't pretend. Always trying to be something or someone you're not. It's inevitable. It's just the difference between how much or how little you pretend.

Rather fictitious.? Are we living on earth playing someone else's character instead of our own.? Or are we simply trying to fool ourselves into believing we are what we're acting, but deep down inside, you know you're not.? Self denial.?

Do you prefer leading a life full of lies, or a life with more misery but a more genuine one.? Are we allow to choose.? After all, the mind is still yours for you to decide on what you want and what you do no want.

But, perhaps the environment you're living in speaks otherwise.? Influencing your choice.? Telling you its better to act a little and blend into the society rather than stand alone in your private lonely little world.?

Or perhaps, your instincts tell you, pretending has become an important tool to protect yourself.? An invisible shield that keeps you away from selling out the actual you.? Avoiding from unnecessary attention.? Or the opposite, buying a better self image with an act or two.? Or perhaps, you're simply lack of self confidence.?

Why does everyone has the need to pretend.? A necessity instead of a choice nowadays. But I guess that's how life works for everyone. Whether a shattered soul or a strong spirit, you still pretend once a while. Why.?

Is it because no one is perfect.? But if you're perfect, aren't you already imperfect.? Perhaps our mind is trying to convince our heart we're better than what we really are, approaching closer to the 100% perfect score is at least better than nothing. Another boost of self esteem or another great lie told from dear mind to heart.?

I wonder...............

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Are you a smartie.?

Is being smart an offence? Or is acting smart an offence.? Pretending like a-know-it-all when you're not.? Pretending like a fool when you're not.? Playing innocent and naive all the time when you're not.? Hunting for sympathy and attention in a silent mode, a sneaky way behind.? Hiding the real you behind those ugly acts of yours, not revealing who are you.? The act of a smartie or a loser.?

Sometimes, smart people are too busy being smart that they tend forget they're actually being an idiot too. Not to mention, smarties forgot they are other smarter people around. I guess confidence plays a huge role here, or perhaps playing tricks instead?

Being smart hurts sometimes when you knew too much about the truth, too brainy that your mind simply couldn't deny the actual fact, you just have to accept it. The dark side of being too clever heh.? No more ignorance is a bliss.? Or perhaps, its an advantage.? The inability to lie to yourself.? Good or bad.? Hard to say.

Unable to create any self denials to the rational and stubborn you. Forced to face the truth everytime any fugly thing happens, no more hiding beside mummy's back, no more avoiding the truth whether you like it or not, for it had happened. After all, the world doesn't live for you alone. But hey, look on the bright side, you've grown up, not old mind you.

Yeah, it's a little sad sometimes, but I guess in terms of the long effect, its still better to be smart and know the truth earlier even though you'll get down once a while. Perhaps its better than being a fool and not realizing anything till the very end. And everything just land on you like a massive bomb and you find yourself encountering loads of explosive moments all the time.?

I guess here's where the good or bad, hard to say thingy comes in again. If you're a fool, you discover things later and then suffer, but then a fool wouldn't have to go through smart people's woes or unnecessary complex thoughts right.? And smart people doesn't lead a much simpler and happier life compared to fools. Can you still call them fools then when they lead a better life than yours.? Ah, the odds and ends of everything, endless.

So, be a fool but act like a smart ass that shows you're even more idiotic that one could imagine, or be an authentic cute little nincompoop, or be smart but act like a fool, or be smart and act like a sickening jerk that shouts to everyone hey I'm smart you better watch out.?

Which one are you.?

Somehow, I prefer to think of myself as not smart, but not an idiot too. Cheers.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006


5 little letters, yet such a big word. It can lift you up, it can also break you into a zillion pieces.

If you're without it, you're a living mannequin. If you have too much of it, it might do you more harm than good.

A life with great faith is most of the time envied by those who does not have it. Those who count on others' faith to move on. Those who's life is lacked of faith so greatly that it surprises you they're still here today. Those who need a slight push forward from those who are willing enough to help.

A life without faith, a life without self esteem to boost yourself up. Leading such a sad life where you can't even trust your own mind and ability. A life full of sadness, doubts, uncertainty and disappointment towards yourself. Lost, in your own life, providing if you do have one in the beginning.

I do not believe in living a life without the slightest hint of confidence nor faith. Faith is almost everything. It shapes up a person. One should never underestimate the power hidden behind this little word. Nor should one ignore it.

How does one manage to live without faith.? Without trust.? To have no self confidence, no self principles, to be readily pushed around and easily influenced by those who have a massive of them. Unable even to stand on your own feet, nor your own shoes to feel what your inner heart is trying to tell.

To place your own emotions on someone else's hand without even realizing it. Reluctant even to help yourself to control your own heart. For heart keeps discouraging you, denying yourself. Pushing yourself to the back of the list. And dear mind just simply does not possess a stronger will to climb up the list. Its such a pity, but its a shame too.

One can't possibly live without faith. Of course, you won't die. But you'll live a life without life. Alive, yet lifeless.

I'm melancholic, again.................................

Monday, September 25, 2006

I dreamt.?

Dreams, it is believed that there's bound to be some meaning hiding behind those foggy blurry moment of ours. A part of us that drifted away during those sleepy hours, where we recharge ourselves, unconscious yet normal.

Some people are dying to know what their dreams mean. Some couldn't even remember what they dreamt about. Some doesn't care at all. It's just a dream after all. I guess everything just depends on how you take it. How a dreamer takes his or her dream. If you insist to see it big, of course it will be big. If you don't, you'll hardly even remember that you actually had a dream.

Most of the day we wake up, not even thinking or care if we did had a dream or not. Usually, we can't recall our dreams, and hence concluded that we had a dreamless night, but it was a peaceful sleep. I once read somewhere that majority of the time, we thought we did not dream. But the truth is, we just simply had forgotten about our dream once we're brought back to reality, awake.

When I was really free early this year, with nothing much to do with my time, I tend to remember my dreams well. As I woke up in the morning afternoon, with just some chores to attend to, it leaves me plenty of time lazing in my cozy warm bed with extra brain cells to recall my dreams. For one normally doesn't give a damn about it, unless the dream turns out to be really special or the opposite, disturbing enough to keep you restless.

Someone once said that, its easy for you to recall your dream when your brain is less occupied, free of stress and I guess its just a way to keep my brain from dying completely, thinking about nonsense perhaps.? But I guess he's right, for nowadays, I can hardly remember my dreams at all. I have no time to think about it, or perhaps no available seats in my brain for dream counting. Not like those care free days.

No more time to ponder around after you wake up, thinking back, recalling those sweet or bitter dreams that leaves you smiling at the foot of your bed. Now, you wake up, and it's time for class or this and that. Life does moves on. It has too, and so do you.

Saturday, September 23, 2006


As mention here and here about campus election in local universities, those of us who doesn't give a damn about it usually just pass by the whole meaningless thing by voting for what we are told to save our asses so we'll stand a chance in securing a place in our college next year.

As a freshman, I couldn't help it but get really sick of the election system that's running in the campus. Call it democratic, but the only application to it would be our limited democracy right in choosing only within the appointed party, not to mention those few candidates we're forced advised to vote for. I mean, if you're starting early to nurture our country future leaders in our democratic land by running a democratic system beginning in the education level, how can one possibly restrict our freedom of choice by summoning us to vote for ONE typical party ONE, i.e. the legal one. I thought this is call corruption, not government.

In fact, it is so lame there is only one legal party, being the government one. The winning one. If you vote against them, you're considered as a traitor and could face certain circumstances in which they highlighted it in a away like a great crime committed. I find it too ridiculous to believe as if there's no other party running, why run an open election.? Plus, if the other so called illegal parties are roaming everywhere risking their asses off, what's the point of having a government if there's no opposition party.?

And if its really that bad, why are there still underground parties running for the uni's government.? And there's still students working behind it too, aren't they afraid of being kicked to god knows where.?

The way they make it sound as if these underground parties will approach us and try to contaminate us with wrong information, trying to make us bias to their side. In case we the juicy fresh fish is being threatened or whatsoever, we should report.

I understand that. What I don't is why is there such a WEIRD election when parties are not allowed to compete fair and square in front of everyone. And voters are not allowed to vote according to what they think is best for them. Of course we're allowed to vote for who and who, but not which party, for there's only one that CAN be voted, legally.

As voting system can track out who voted for what who, its best not to play tricks. And of course who are we to complain.? We're just good pedestrians drifting by doing what we are told. I'm just merely ranting my disappointment towards these system. No offence.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Love and Hurt 2

Love, is it really that wonderful.?

It hurts the most, yet it's believed to be the best thing that can happen to a person. If love does not hurt, is it still love then.? Without love, there will be no hurt that comes from it, but wont you'll be hurt by the loneliness that falls upon you too.? But does love guarantee you away from emptiness.? The magic or power of true love.? Or a fool's love.?

A guy friend once said that if love doesn't hurt it would be perfect. One doesn't have to be so depressed because of it. But then, if love doesn't hurt, it will no longer be love. Men can't live with women and love, yet they can't live without them too.

Another guy friend said, it would be wonderful if he has no feelings. He'll be save from going through those miserable unbearable feeling of hurt, love and lost. But then, if one has no feelings, what's the point of living.? In fact you're hardly living, just like a dummy. Even though you'll feel no sadness nor any darkness that fells upon you, there's no sense of happiness nor any streak of light too. You're just like that forever, a straight line never approaching no end, infinite.

Love, the more it hurts, the more you love. If love doesn't hurt, perhaps you should question, are you really in love.?

Love and Hurt 1

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


First look at him, I felt like protecting him. He just looked too vulnerable to me. So fragile that a gust of wind could have blown him away. Or perhaps, thumping my feet in front of him would have scare the shit out of him.

Everytime I looked at him, he always seems to me that he's hiding from someone. More like he's hiding himself from the eyes of everyone. But he's not invisible.

His fair complexion with his black coloured frame glasses and his famous mascot, never-out-of-place hair neatly combed lying lifelessly on the top his little head. Combine with his small frame and his backpack behind his hunching back with books tightly hugged in front of his chest, he reminds me of a primary school student wandering around in a campus, lost.

Far away from his cozy home, he sends the message that he's an extremely endangered protected species that requires humble and delicate care or else will break into a million pieces once you put your finger to it.

I once saw him asking for a senior's signature, part of the orientation fuss, his hands were shaking and he was swallowing those seniors word one by one, that if you didn't get at least shit numbers of signatures, you wouldn't get their notes. He was dead serious about it, until words starts singing around that some of us doesn't give a damn about it at all. I wonder if he still has the signature list.

I once approached him, telling him not to change to a much more famous and difficult course which is of his top priority, and he thought I was a wicked senior trying to coax him to stay in a course of his least interest. If he's qualified for it, for sure he's already in it, I wonder what makes him think they would actually let him in now. His common knowledge is so shallow that a newspaper would have drown him instantly.

I could hardly bring myself to believe it, a little annoyed of his childish brainless idea, but I pitied him even more. Sometimes I felt like patting him on his head, but afraid of messing his everlasting neat hair. I never see him at ease of himself, it pains to think that he's suppressing himself from his actual feelings. Not allowed to be himself, but perhaps he is like this.?

The only time he seems lively to me was during our trip, and he joined us in our 5 year old act of playing water in the river. We were surprised, and of course gladly enlightened him. Splashing him everywhere with the yellowish water, trying our best to mess his hair, and the only sign that showed he's just like us is when he flashes a peace sign in our photo whoring session.

It feels rather different to see him finally step out of his secured locked self, but I guess its pretty rare, as he's once again back to his little hidden world.

I got caught.

I'm not much of a public transport person. I spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong more than two years ago and I actually used their public transport more than my then 18 years of living in our dear Boleh Land. It was not until lately after coming here for studies that I'm starting to use these public transport more regularly. And of all the time whether riding on a coach, LRT, commuter train or the Hongkie "TING TING", I was never once being inspected for my ticket. And yesterday, I was caught. For having a Touch and Go card instead of a normal issued ticket.

Today, I got caught by a lousy sales assistant in a supposedly above 18 blue shop, demanding for my age and IC. (To hell with her, I don't mind if she thinks I actually look below 18, I would actually thank her for that, but her manners sucks to bits annoying my every nerve) I was with my roomie who's only turning 18 in three weeks time. I guess that explains everything because she does seriously look young. Ah, it makes me feel young too. HA!

Tonight, I got caught by my hostel's felo, (the people who you should look for if you're having a problem about your hostel) for installing another lock to my room. I was hammering the stubborn screw to the door and it just wouldn't bloody get in. Not even when I screwed it like mad using a rusty screwdriver. All those DONG DONG DONG sound brought dear felo here, telling me I'm not supposed to install a lock blablablablabla. Well, at least she's not fining me for it. Hey, it's an isolated place here I'm living. Don't blame me for being extra cautious.

And the fasting month is beginning this Sunday, and we have to fast along with them because the cafe is only open at night till early morning full with hungry ghost roaming in the cafe, flooding every bloody dishes. Thank god there's food catering for me.


Monday, September 18, 2006

I broke my mirror

It's been a few days and it seem like ages for me. (Thanks to my ancient laptop and uni's fantastic internet connection) I don't know why. Writing at least something almost everyday has become a habit instead. And the longer I dragged, the more I think, the more saturated my brain get, the more moody I became.

I guess writing is therapeutic for me. It allows me to release myself in a way that I can express what I want to say without having to think much and also having the chance to recite back or read back what I used to thought.

The sweet old innocent days.

It reflects a lot. In fact, it shows you a different you. Its like viewing yourself from an entirely different perspective. It's rather promising and productive. Self evaluating. Self describing. Self learning. Self experimenting. Whatever you named it. Just like the Pensieve in Harry Potter's world. And you wouldn't realize it at all if you didn't took that turn from the very beginning and view it from that particular angle.

Sometimes you get to see something that you never you would. Why.? Because its hard to look at the inner you when all you're doing is just staring back at your own image in front of a foggy glass trying to cover your weakness. But if your certain thoughts are represented in words, and with you approaching it like as an outsider, a stranger, you'll be surprise at what it actually looks like.

Sometimes I surprises myself by reading back my previous post and it occurs to me that why on earth did I wrote something like that.?

It's just another learning phase of our life. The life of your blog that's a part of your life. A great story full of your words. A great reflection of yours.

A mirror of you.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

My laptop's keyboard failed me.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Food Oh Food........

Last night, I was enjoying my hot soup aka instant noodles in this chilly weather when it occurs to me that it's been ten long weeks since I've last tasted my mom's cooking. And when was dad's last Sunday chef stunt.?

Tonight, I was gobbling down my RM 2.50 nasi campur aka our 4 nights a week catered chinese food when it occurs to me how such simple chinese meal like that could already draw a grin from my sulky face. It's not because its ultra yummy, or the great taste feeling after having to settle for the spicy hot and curry food of cafe or whatsoever. But simply because I don't have to waste my time cracking up my head on what should I eat tonight.? And tomorrow night, and tomorrow and tomorrow.

I once stop catering for a week and it's worst than what I expected, it was almost unbearable. I would rather not eat if my tummy wasn't growling like mad of hunger. And the repetitive question is really sickening, ,
"Eat what arr tonight.? So sien lar"
It's a rather minute everyday thing, but to think of it, it's frustrating when the time comes and you're a drifting hungry ghost and yet you haven't the slightest idea on what to feed on. Perhaps you thought if you're starving to the stakes of almost collapsing then you can settle on anything edible that comes first to your sight. But when it comes to here, no. Sometimes the sight of those dishes can be repulsive instead.

And this week, I ran out of my usual stocked food, no more cookies nor biscuits nor wafers, no more junk food, no nothing but only instant noodles. I hate to think that I have to survive with my MAMEE noodles only with those highly monosodium glutamate concentrated soup base that's so dehydrating throughout this hectic mid sem exam week.

I guess that why its so obvious why my greedy appetite is screaming for my RM2.50 economy rice.


What hurts the most

Sunday, September 10, 2006


I'm shivering again in this unpredictable sudden cold weather. With my brand new tanned legs and hands icey cold, unable to even feel my own skin's temperature. Whether it's too warm, or simply slightly cooler than usual. The extra urge to hide inside my warm cozy blanket that reminds me of my dear 80 year old granny, keeping me safe in this foreign place where I'm all alone with no family members here to hear my daily rants. No one for me to seek comfort and refuge, standing alone surrounded by strangers with big bulgy eyes staring at you from behind a hidden corner. Out of the blue, comes the icey water from our loyal shower head, cleansing and sending shivers throughout my nude body full with goosebumps. A sudden alert to my sleepy mind, WAKE UP it says. And I did, and here's yet another cold shower.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Icey bath

When you've been taking cold showers for the past two months, the feeling of hot water come rushing down splashing through your body gives a very <insert the precise descriptive word here>. I do not know how to describe it but it feels unexceptionally well and when I got back to hostel today, having the usual cold shivering shower again when it's raining like mad outside, it feels totally indifferent. And that simply makes me crave for some splendid enjoyable shower even more. But I guess cold bath ain't that bad especially the weather outside is boiling like mad in our constant changing climate of hot and wet. And has anyone heard about cold showers makes you stronger.?

By the way, my laptop's keyboard is failing me terribly!!!


Thursday, September 07, 2006

Excuse me

Forgive me I've been lack of post and with obvious grammar or vocabulary mistakes for these recent two posts are written in a computer lab with numerous computers than none can access to real blogs for reading purposes. Guess that's why I'm still able to create a new one, post it, but not read it from my own blog. What an efficient system!!

I'm currently staying in a friend's place, actually have been staying here since Monday and will be only going back to campus this Friday which is tomorrow and this week has been full with fun, fun, fun and fun. And I completely forgotten abandoned the fact that I'm SUPPOSED to study for my mid sem exam which is like next week.?

And I'm still blogging here, talking about effective schedule planning!!

One more thing, we Sabahans speak Hakka as a major Chinese dialect which peninsular people hardly speaks. Imagine what it feels when suddenly in a night market, I realize there's quite an amount of people who speaks my native tongue! And all of a sudden it feels pretty good, rather warming and homey feeling that there are people of my own. I guess I was just simply a little too excited to HEAR some local KL people speaking Hakka, just that it's not always you hear them. And you don't have to be judged straight away that you're a forest freak from Sabah because you speak hakka.

Till then!!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Field trip 2

Using a freaking computer from a private college's computer lab and their system denied blogger!! Arghhh.....But amazingly I can still create a new post, just couldn't view it after posting. The odds and the ends. -.-!!

I got back from the trip at 11pm on Sunday night and it actually took us a long 9 hours coach ride! When the actual ride would take about 6 to 7 hours only!! We stopped like gazillions time for meals, loo break and of course not forgetting the five sacred daily prayers.

We departed from our Faculty at about 10 something on friday night, only arriving around 7 am the next day. Reason.? Of course, the usual stops of here and there. Ha, its pretty good for us, we get loo breaks, meals break, but all from those rest station that sometimes can be pretty good considering they have McD or just two lousy stalls with dishes that's rich with flies and gnats flying all around, telling us dear consumer, DON'T EAT ME.

But we did.

On our way back, our bus, should I say, the Chinese bus, has the diarrhea worm infecting about 10 person. Everything started at the Genting rest station. Swarming into McD's loo, lining up, exploding it with our gracious output. Okay, I'm not being disgusting just creative. HA!

We stopped in another extremely near rest station, Gombak, for another loo break since some of us really couldn't stand in anymore. And, that's including me. Ha! Yeah, I was on the list. And I even broke the record by getting into the men's room!!

I will never ever forget the expression of a smart looking Chinese guy when he saw me walking out of the men's cubicle!! Well, you see. We're kinda desperate to relieve ourselves, you know, tummy growling and screaming and stuff and the lady's are as usual full, and with so many of us lining up desperately, it's almost unbearable to wait any longer. And its a rest station, there's bound to be more users than other usual loo! And hence, our dear gentleman coursemates, leads us to the men's room and we helped ourselves into those cubicles. Seriously.

Anyway, this field work is pretty much fun and boring at the same time. Even though they were no dirty forest work, just some water fun. First thing there was we went to the island across for snorkeling, washing our virgin eyes with the sight of coral reefs. With some anemones sucking up and down beneath the water, and pointy sea urchin scaring us whether we should land our wet duck feets or not. But they are some minority of us that wasn't so virgin with water, and move further and Awwwww, the sight is just simply rewarding to us. But well, I still miss Pulau Sipadan so damn much!

Next thing we did was get back to our guest house, well, this time its called a guest house, not a resort but it has better facilities and of course everything is just much better than the previous resort except the lousy food. We showered ourselves with air-conditioned room, slept like mad, watch TV and also they have a much complete bathroom to our excite!

Next stop was the state's capital famous traditional market. With all sorts of local products which I did not purchase for I don't really fancy those food. And not forgetting all sorts of souvenirs available.

At night, the trip to some sort of beach was cancelled, and the next activity would be next morning, visiting turtle centre and stuff. Enjoying ourselves with three types of turtles from the size of a tiny baby turtle like a greenish moving little thing with 4 legs swimming already. There was also an enormous one, which accordingly is about 50 years old and of course, turtle stinks.

And that's it. The entire official field work. Well did have our fun when all the Chinese gather up in a small room, feasting on durian that I strictly do no eat and just watched them and laugh along, accompanied by an ancient Stephen Chow comedy.

But, it's rather tiring, traveling all the way across some states border for 3 activities but I guess we sure did have our bits of fun.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Leaving for field work number 2 to Terengganu in an hour time, 8 hours drive in the bus to be dread and will be back on Sunday night. Till then.

Thursday, August 31, 2006


I said, I'm not a birthday person. I rarely do celebrate birthdays since it happens every year. It's nothing extraordinary to me. It just simply meant you're getting older.

She said, the thing about birthday is that people around you that are willing enough to come and celebrate this special day with you, to show you they care. Or simply the sincerity of it is touching enough for you.? And it's not often that people will come and enjoy your day with you. Plus, in a lifetime, how many birthdays can you afford to go through happily with people that matters to your heart.? That leaves a great memory and huge significance to your short life.? Can you recall any of it.?

To think of it, I can't remember much of my previous birthdays. Whether it's because I didn't REALLY celebrate it like big time, or simply it just doesn't stay long enough in my mind to remind me of it. There are certain ones that I do remember, but it doesn't really affect me that much. Perhaps I have yet to pass an authentic meaningful birthday yet, that's able to stay deep in my mind, or I've simply put a full stop to it.? Not allowing anyone inside at all .? But, I hardly felt it.?

Birthdays are just birthdays to me, unless something really different happened or something special occurred, I guess its just another day of our life, telling you you're a year older, pausing to ask yourself, what have you achieved in the past year.? Are you satisfied with it.?

Leaving the teenage years behind, tapping into the 2-0 world in a forest, some said it's unusual, extra memorable. Some say its rather typical, who would want to spend their 20th birthday in the middle of no where.?

I did.