Friday, April 28, 2006

I still can't sleep

Relationships-of all kinds-are like sand held in your hand, Held loosely,with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold on to some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost. -Kaleel Jamison, The Nibble Theory.

"ABC promised to love me forever. Then he told me about a Star Trek episode where they scientifically proved the possibility that forever might actually last only a few days." -Randy Glasbergen

"Weird love's is better than no love at all." -The Green Mile

"Better to have love and lost than never have loved at all." - Chicken Soup

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." - Barbara De Angelis

"It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back." -Mick Jagger

"It's only in thy mind's eye that one can see rightly." - The Little Prince

I just finished reading the chapter of On Relationships from Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul and I still can't sleep. (Thanks to the stupid tea I had during dinner). These are the nice quotes by the way. And yes I'm still a teenager. For another few months that's it. Good night. Good morning.

I can't sleep

When an emotional injury takes place,
The body begins a process
as natural as the healing
of a physical wound.

Let the process happen.
Trust that nature
will do the healing.

Know that the pain will pass,
and, when it passes,
you will be stronger,
happier, more sensitive and aware.

Adapted from Mel Colgrove's How to Survive the Loss of a Love.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Little Black Book

You've won. The cost was high, but the victory was hollow. You supposed with such stake you're betting on, the glorious moment is something you've been waiting for all this time. Finally, it arrived. Instead of the victorious feeling running in your blood you've been expecting, you felt like you lost some part of you. Something precious had gone missing. Or perhaps, disappeared.? You start questioning yourself, what was all that for.? What you've done, all your hard work. You receive nothing in return.? Is that still winning then.? Oh yes, you did won the battle. Just that you also lost your life in it .

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Your little world

The place that resembles the secret hiding place when you were little.?

The wall that hangs the mirror that shows the child inside you.?

The world that no else can gain access unless the owner allows it.?

The room with no door nor a lock that can be unlocked even by a magic key.?

The planet that has no other inhabitants but you yourself.?

The artist land that's so colourful where each colour are specially chosen and painted by you.?

The fantasy land that's so beautiful you wish you could live there forever.?

The sanctuary where you're so safe and secure inside.?

The personal space where its so private that even your closest one doesn't know.?

The mamma's lap you run into when big brother Billy comes screaming at you.?

The dark world you sink into when everyone is pointing at you.?

The Disneyland you craved for since you're introduced to Mickey Mouse.?

The home sweet home you can always rely on.?

The familiar old bed back in your hometown where you grew up.?

The big old soft pillow that reminds how you cried yourself to sleep.?

The sweet old voice that keeps encourage you all the time like there's no tomorrow.?

The jukebox that never stop playing your all time favourites collection.?

The photo album that proves how time had flown so fast that it hardly waits.?

The heart that's only dear to your soul.?

The soul that sometimes went wandering around finding for a shade.?

The memories that's like bitter sweet chocolate.?

The old pains that evolved into burden that you could never let go off.?

The happy smiley face that melts your cold-stone-hard heart.?

The book that's written and composed by you yourself only, entitled Your Little World.


Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Right or Wrong

What if you have to do something wrong, in order to do the right thing.? What that's actually considered wrong by others, but you knew was right.? Perhaps you were just fantasizing or being an ego-centric selfish dork.? But what if you weren't.? What if YOU were the only one who KNEW something that the world doesn't, and you have to do what was considered wrong in order to save the world.? (Exaggerated a little, Haha)

Is it the same as having a healthy motive, but wrong action.? The incorrect application of correct intention.? Does something like that actually exists.? Of course it does!! But seriously, does it matter.? You've already done the damn thing. What difference does it makes.? What makes you think the judge will forgive you and say "Yes you may leave now and here's a check to support you and your daughter" right after you killed a criminal after robbing him/her in order to feed your own daughter.? Who gives you the right to think or judge who's life is worth more than the other.? Even though your offspring's life is like the sweetheart of your heart it doesn't mean you can judge on behalf of others.? Even if its a criminal, on no accounts you can't just killed him just because he's a loser and you think you're just serving the society by ending his life, by getting rid of a no good criminal.? How pathetic is that.? You're no better than him. No, you're just like him. And please do not forget, even though he did something wrong, he will serve for his own faults and you are no one to PUNISH him. And he's also whether you like it or not someone else's son that's dear to the heart too. You're not the only one here who has a daughter you loved.

The damage is done, what's left to do.? Recover from it.? If you've think better and not act like an idiot, then there wouldn't been any wrong or misunderstood application and act upon such genuine intention but rather brainless and thoughtless acts.? What you caused not only effected you but to the rest that follows.? Perhaps this never crossed your young mind then.? You're not alone living in this sphere that needs attention and your little act that cross the line might not only killed one tiny ant. You never know how deep you've stepped. And the effect of it, regardless its still the results of your selfish act. Take a look at the bigger picture next time. The world ain't just the one which is right outside your door step. Whether you like it or not, the effects weighed much more heavier than the cause itself. Much heavier than what you've had or had not expected. Even though you acted upon healthy cause, you can't help the fact that if you did act wisely, such ugly scene wouldn't have happen then.

What if you had a wrong intention then.? But a right application of it still ends up with a rather unacceptable effect doesn't it.? Because of the unhealthy intention that's behind the uneventful thing? Again, regardless of what you did was right, it happens because of an unhealthy or rather unpleasant motive behind it!! You did the damn thing already!!! You're as guilty as hell since you intended it!!

Or perhaps you had a rather incorrect intention but what you intended earlier didn't happen.? You screwed your little plan or perhaps it was screwed by unforeseen circumstances.? Are you still guilty then.? After all, nothing happen.? Are you kidding.? The judge will still prosecute a criminal for first degree murder in intentionally killing someone even though the victim did not died!! You think you can just say sorry and lets make up and forget everything right after you intend to do something bad but it just didn't happen.?

As ironic it may seems, with a healthy intention or an unhealthy one, it still weight rather heavy. You're still the one who decides how to apply your intention. If you had a bad one and plans to do bad, then clean your ass and prepare for the consequences. But you're a good one but acts like a bad kid for the fun of it, it's time to learn. Do think wisely and carefully, you wouldn't want to regret or waste it away.? Perhaps you wouldn't mind purchasing a rather expensive lesson then.? Then I wish you luck and hopefully at such cost you paid, it would sink in your stubborn brain cells then. If it doesn't, give it a couple of tries. Providing you can still afford and consume it.

Your enemy is your conscience...Cheers

Sunday, April 16, 2006


This picture was taken when I was six. It was after a dancing performance. Steph was smiling happily posing for the photo shooting, along with Mrs Tai, our dear kindergarten teacher. I was the only one not smiling nor posing for the photo session. Steph gave me this photo when I left Tawau. I was 13 and since I have no scanner, I use my camera to recapture it. So spare me with the not so clear or blurry thingy. Thank you, hehe...

I can still recall a little of that memorable day. I remember we've been practicing this pom pom dance in class. A performance for what event I do not know. All I know is that I embarrass the hell out of the 6 year old me by forgetting the dance not long after it began and I freaked and just stood there in the centre of stage, CRYING. Hahaha! Thinking back, felt rather silly and extremely funny.

I was nearly 6 when I move to Tawau from Labuan. Imagine going to a class full of 6 year old strangers all staring at you wondering who is this weird girl(me) suddenly same class with us. Clearly the rest know each other after a year spent studying in the same class. And here I was a newbie adding to the second year of it. Remember.? Two years in kindergarten. I still wonder how did I mingle around everyone. Guess kids does gets into the situation fast hoh.? And I honestly couldn't remember a single person back in my early kindergarten days in Labuan. Only my parent's friend's son which we grew up together and the twins who banged into me and had my nose bleeding terribly. So much for a first fighting scene. Hahahaha! I'm not kidding and in case you're wondering, I was 5 =P

I attended Sunday school regularly back in Labuan. And there was once, guess must be some sort of special function day in church, but all I could remember was being ushered that day and an enormous red colour robe being wrapped around me in a terrible rush. Tying here and there and I just stood there like a dummy. I was around 4 or 5 according to dear mom. I think it must be some sort of foreign countries traditional costume fashion show or whatever it could be. I was dressed in an oversize traditional Korean costume. I was then hushed to the stage with another girl with a same costume but blue one. She's obviously much elder and much much bigger than me and damn well aware of what's going on instead of a blurry me being pushed around. Dear mom said I was really like a dummy with my usual black sulky face not knowing what to do and just stood there. But I do remember looking at the elder girl next to me and imitating her "cat walk" HAHAHA!!

Anyway, was gonna introduce Steph's blog. A friend reminded me how nice it is to still keep contact with someone you knew since you were 6, that's like 14 damn years. Hahaha! Neat, and I haven't seen her since I was 13. And that would be 7 long years. Hope to see you soon. Not webcaming okay, really see you until can touch you. No I'm no lesbian and is truely straight. Don't worry. Haha!

Saturday, April 15, 2006

I don't know

Does tears makes a person stronger.?

Does those tiny little drops that dripped slowly everytime shaped out the inner strength within you.?

Did you notice the resilient armor that's supposedly invisible is getting more visible everyday to the naked eye.?

Does holding back your tears makes you a pretender.?

Or perhaps, a coward.?

Or someone who's trying so hard to be strong and hold it RIGHT there.?

Not realising that the heart is already shattered to bits and pieces. And there's no cure for it to regain the perfect heart anymore no matter what. It could never return to its original state. Without a wound or two.

Or perhaps, because there were already deep cuts there and you just could no longer bear to scatter anymore salts and peppers to it.?

But you yourself underneath is suffering terribly by protecting it. Are you willingly doing so.?

You do not know.

Because you don't even know you're actually doing it.

What if you wanted so badly just to cry everything out just like a baby crying for dear mother but the tears just wouldn't fall.?

It just won't. And dear mother hadn't the slightest idea what dear baby wants.?

Your heart is raining like mad it's flooding already but you didn't drown.?

But you're gasping terribly for air to thrust down your lungs for your every next breath.?

Will you survive then.?

Friday, April 07, 2006

Miss Chang

She's been working there for about ten years. Perhaps more, a single woman in the age of 50 with hardly a friend beside her colleagues, she's a hell of devoted worker, the employer's mighty right hand. Simply said, she's the one who's running the office while the employer deals with businesses in hand. There were others, but none work as hard or as efficient as her.

Her image shows a woman with bones wrapped by skin only with very little flesh to spare in an oversize jacket with frizzy hair tied tightly and low just resting on top of the jacket. She couldn't possibly weight more than 90 pounds with her petite frame.

Being diabetic, she has to control her sugar consumption. She has a strict diet, conducted by her very own impossible stubborn brain. To her, everything is unhealthy. I wonder what exactly she eats? Everything is either too sweet, too salty, nor reach her level of hygienic food, not suitable. In one word, inedible. Even fruits, she complained its too sweet and contains a high level of sugar and shouldn't eat it. For goodness sake, fruits produced natural sugar that's not harmful to the body system and happens to be something she should eat concerning her diabetic self!!! But nonetheless, she never listens. I couldn't understand how on earth someone perfectly normal doesn't enjoy food.? After all, eating is such an enjoying thing.

Then, she got sick. Really sick. She refused to look for medical help. The furthest she'd go was continuing her normal diabetes medication where medicines are brought by her sister who's a clinic nurse.

She started to lose weight. Can you imagine someone below 90 pounds can still go lower down the scale? Upon having her bones even more visible underneath those thin almost transparent skin, her stomach and foot was getting bigger everyday. Swollen to a very abnormal ratio compared to the rest of her body. What's happening.? I do not know how her sister managed to get her to the clinic. It was confirmed, she's diagnosed with Tuberculosis (TB). Which level, I do not know. What I do know is she's in a critical state. She was admitted to the local hospital hoping for further medical treatment but it was no help at all. In fact, its even worse than the clinic who couldn't even gave her a clear diagnostic. Few days later, she was dismissed.

Her condition deteriorates. She wasn't improving. She couldn't walk. She could hardly sit up. Next thing, she's on her way to KK. To seek treatment in SMC. Strongly insisted by the employer who's willing to cover the cost. She was reluctant but couldn't refuse any longer. She was dying.

Mom was waiting for her in SMC's Emergency Room. She was arriving after a 5 hours road trip driven by her second brother in law. She was suffering from an infectious disease and couldn't come by air for its forbidden to board the plane. Just like SARS.

When she arrived, she was attended immediately by two young residents doctors and few nurses. Her condition had worsen by then. She was horridly thin, impossibly weak. According to Mom, she didn't look pleasant. Not at all due to diabetes, it causes some body parts to be in extreme bad condition. Can I say some part of the skin was starting to rot.? I do not know. I didn't saw it. Mom did. The two young doctors seems not too pleased with the patient's appearance and actually showed a disgusted expression. I believe Mom did complain to the doctor treating her later, an internal organ specialist. The doctor was a friend of my parents and we've all been treated by him before.

When the doctor attended her, he was surprised. He told mom that of all those years he spend in medical field, he never treated nor saw anyone that was so unbelievably thin. He said she was even thinner than starving African kids infected with HIV. She was so fragile. He couldn't believe how a sane women who's half a century old can actually starve herself to this state.?

Mom went to see her everyday to understand her situation with the doctor. It was quite a few days later when I heard mom said she's finally in a stable condition. Apparently the Tuberculosis had gone pretty bad. The swollen belly and foot was cause by urine accumulation. Yes, she couldn't pee due to her kidney was hardly working with the bad tuberculosis infections. The doctor said if she was any later, she's already gone.....

Two of her sisters were taking turns to take care of her in the ward. Being the eldest daughter in the family, they were afraid of her. Her usual demanding and stubborn self. They couldn't do anything if she refused to eat. But, she was afraid of Mom. She dare not left her plate untouched if Mom's there. Mom was practically there to make sure she DOES eat. How pathetic, a woman who almost died, still reluctant to eat. She even still managed to complain that the hospital's food is unhealthy just because they serve her corn soup once. Why.? Because its canned food.

I couldn't recall how long was she admitted. It was STPM time and Mom insisted that I was not to visit her during the exam in case I got infected. TB is easily transferred to people with weak antibody. And since I was in a battle, visiting her wasn't a very fancy idea. But I wonder what was Mom thinking, she visits her everyday due to her responsibility.

I did visit her once though, after the exam. Together with her employer, my uncle (my Mom's brother) who was on a business trip in KK. Her ward was nonetheless an isolated one. Anyone who enter the room is required to wear a mask. By then, she looks better. Though she's still extremely underweight. Mom was wondering if she weights more than 30 kilos with her tiny frame. She was recovering and still has the energy to scold and boss her sisters around. Guess old habits die hard...

When dismissed from SMC, she did not went back to Sandakan right away. She could barely walk and needed full time assistance in every aspects. Doctor said the fastest for her to return to a normal state would be 6 months. She stayed quite a while in KK with her other sister here. Only returning to Sandakan when she's stronger.

It's been four months now, according to my uncle, she's improving. Started to walk with the help of walking equipment. And started to work too, with the computer of course. She just lived two levels above the office with her elder brother who's single too. I sincerely hope she's getting better everyday.

I should pay her a visit the next time I'm in Sandakan...

Miss Chang had left us in the November 2006, may her soul rest in peace. Amen.

Saturday, April 01, 2006


Sometimes, it really bothers you so much. But yet you couldn't phrase it out or simply explain to yourselves what the fuck is bothering you.? Or perhaps its not because you don't know how to explain, but you yourself don't even know where does the roots of this freaking bothering uneasy feelings come from.?

Perhaps, these little illusions are self manufactured within my very own mixed up brain cells that have been in and out of the hibernate state.?

Humans are always in a state where their mind are full of thoughts. Hell, the difference is how they sort their priorities in their brain. To think or not to think. To worry or to be happy. Be it they're under the short or long term contract, again the minds are the one who determines it. Bottom line, you're still the one with the full authority of the remote control of you brain. Be it EQ or IQ.

Can you choose not to worry.? Or not to think.?
"Of course you can!!" , says your brain @ mind @ rationality, etc.

But does your very heart speaks the same.? Or otherwise.?

No matter how rational a person can be, unless they're retarded or their self centered ego maniac level is as high as Mount Everest, your IQ tend to be over-ruled by your EQ once a while. Or what you called, you became emotional and act like you're out of you're mind.? (It's actually emotionally) And for that moment, you let your feelings aka emotion take control of your mind set. No matter how organized you ARE, in that instant moment, you're not. Why on earth is that.?

It's called WEAKNESS or WEAK SPOT. It exists in every bloody soul on earth. When it's discovered, all you can see is that issue that's currently blinding not only your eyes but claimed its full residence in your very own cerebrum. How long.? Only you will know. NO, is how long will your mind allows it.? How long is the contract your EQ signed on behalf of your IQ.? You, yourself determines it.

In the battle of heart and brain, is heart really the defending champion of all time.?