Monday, July 31, 2006

I wasn't lost, but I was found.

I was stunned, almost lost,
Lost, in the world of words,
My lips lost it's sense, froze.

But then, I was found.
The heat of exposure,
Melting my thick icey lips,
Moisten the two reddish layers.

Once again, it shapens.
Forming words of response.
As manners, or responsibility.?
Ought to, at least, say something.?

But, what if I don't want to.?
Because, I really didn't.

But, why is it so bad then,
To keep it to yourself.?
Selfish.? Keeping your dignity.?
Maintaining your principles.?

For not doing something you should.?
Should, doesn't necessarily mean its right.
Why then, if it's an unwilling act.?
Therefore, I didn't.

So what, if I really didn't?
If I have yet to mean it,
Or simply not ready yet..
Why should I..?

For it may do harm,
More than it does to good.

But, it seems wrong.
I felt bad, guilty perhaps.?
Guilt is thus born.
As expected earlier.

But, should I be feeling guilty?
After all, I'm just being me.?
For why should I be sorry,
For simply being who I am.?


Never even try to feel the slightest sorry for yourself for being yourself. It's such a bad influence and it'll destroy your self esteem and confident by bits and pieces. And that's the last thing you want to do for the sake of yourself.



A crappy, heavy, deep or blurry post, I do not know. I just know I have to write.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

太阳的泪

Was it the rain.? The five minutes walk seems much longer than usual. Maybe, because I was alone.? Walking under the blurry grayish blue sky, safe beneath the protection of my faithful umbrella, gazing at those drops, falling down from the heavenly sky. Just like a big baby sobbing for mommy silently, teary droplets trickling down the face . It feels rather peaceful, a calm scene playing before me, just like a purifying mechanism for my naked eyes. Polishing my pair of invaluable jewels. Or perhaps, its just the usual blueiness in me, trying to play tricks in my tiny little brain cells.?

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

I hate Wednesday

Blame him. He's the only one who lectures in Malay excluding the Ethnic Relationship lecturer where the subject is in Malay. He made it compulsory for half of the class to take up an extra subject this semester which is supposed to be taken next sem. And a major one mind you. He practically told us to drop another non major subject which most of us didn't. Because well, dropping it now means double work next sem and well, we just didn't. Why.? This extra sub is more to field work. In other words, fun. HA!

Creating a pretty packed schedule for the Chinese in his class. For miraculously, the cut off line in the name list where its cut half to join this subject, are all Chinese. With a few Malays and Indians. And there's only like 28 Chinese in a class of 74 persons.

Wednesday begins with an hour class at 10 in the morning. Next class being at 3 pm. I'm awfully blessed for being arranged into a college that's freaking near my faculty. I can just wake up five minutes before a lecture and still manage to get my ass down there and be on time. Yes, believe me, less than a month here and I've already done that. Not on purpose of course. HA!

Class ends at 4, though this class is my least favourite one because he's the Doctor who lectures in Malay, even worse when he wants our assignment to be done in Malay too. Crap, being the reason that because if it's English, student just copy paste from internet and there it goes, our assignment. Fuck, how degrading for us who wouldn't do that. HA!

One more thing, most of our class are held in different lecture halls, no matter its the same subject. Yes, that's pretty usual. But its rather sad to say that, our department is the only department without our own building in the entire Faculty Science and Technology, namely the largest Faculty in the entire uni. Such a pity. Making us nomad students. Traveling from Chemistry Block, to Biology Block to Physics Block and even Nuclear Science Block which is not exactly within the faculty area and the furthest away where it happens to be also the location of this double 3 class, 3pm on Wednesday. I wonder when we'll start to have class in the Mathematics Block and Geology Block too.

Anyway, after this less favorable class, I have to rush back to room and get a shower before heading to another class at 5. Yupp, sounds like an hour in between leaves you plenty of time hor.? Well, not really when you have to walk here and there no matter how near you are. Worse if you're staying far away. You either just don't go back, and hang around till lecture time.

Class proceeds till seven, get back to room and dinner and head for another class at 8. Another boring compulsory Malay preaching for 2 long hours. And that's when the day finally wraps up.



Wait! NO!!


You see, night classes ends at 10. Therefore, clubs meeting are always held after 10 at each college's foyer. Which well, unless you keep to yourself completely, you're bound to enter one or two club for the sake of simply getting more new potential partners friends or creating some contribution to the college so you can stay here again next year.

Trust me, if it wasn't for this college's strategic location and facilities, I don't think anyone would want to stay here after their mandatory first year.

And taking up 19 freaking units out of 20 for your first sem is clearly inadvisable according to certain people. Well well, what's been done is done. I'll just have to live and work through it.
I hate Wednesday! And Monday! And Tuesday! Okay, that's about it.

HA!!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Apple shaped moon.

Everyone has a dream, the goal of your short life. Your target. Your ambition.

The dream is like the sun of your life, giving light to your fragile soul. Shining brightly.

A sense of hope. The promise of a successful beginning.



Shall we throw away a rotten apple.?

Or should we just sliced off the rotten part.?

And the apple can still be consume.?

As long as the apple is not completely spoiled.?

Yet.?



After all, there's always another side of the moon.

Waiting patiently, to be discover.

By us.

Oh, you're so blue!

I felt lost.

Confused.

Melancholy,

Haunting me.

Hate it.?

Or, love it.?

Perhaps,

Its what makes me,

Me.?

I don't know.

Do you.?

I wish.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Blardy train.

We were worn out from head to toe. Soring foots and arms with shopping bags in hands paired with an wrong improper choice of footwear for the sake of a matched look. Yes, you call this ladies.

The station was crowded. Sardine packed. It was the busiest hour of the weekend afterall. Or shall I say, weekends are always the peak of time.

As usual, the train was late. All waiting impatiently. The disturbing anticipating moment looking down the track cursing silently, where's the bloody train.?

The place was noisy. You do not expect a main train station flooded with people to be a peaceful environment without even the squeak of a tiny mouse.

But there was more. The sound of a youngster falling into the track.! And laughter of joking or swearing of his friends when he fell in. Was he pushed.? I do not know. Even though he was right behind me. Scary.?

I guess the fact that he was busy swearing and standing up at the same time before he really did start to make his move in getting his ass back on to the platform. Rather quite a scene that attracted the eyes of hundreds, I presume. Naturally.

What a stunt, when the train was already behind schedule. Such a scene do spice things up in those moment. Dangerous.? I say, what a nincompoop.

The bloody commuter arrived. People gushing out, other's pushing in. Those in the middle just being ushered by gushers and pushers.

I was no where. Not a position that can be described. My left foot was in the train, right foot dangling out. The alarm was ringing, signaling or screaming for me to get out. My paper bag failed me just like my phone and plak, the string broke.

I try to squeeze out while hugging my shopping bag tightly. Those idiots just wouldn't go further in when there's empty space behind. Great, and I find myself half inside and outside the compartment, struggling to get myself back into the platform.

What can I say, I'm so proud to be a Malaysian.

HA!

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Patience

Tell me, what sort of waiting moment is the worst.?

Beside the simple bus agenda earlier, constant glancing at the watch waiting for time to pass, or the moment to arrive is just as heart wrenching like the former one. Perhaps even worse.

The fugly scene of waiting for the minute and hour needle to reach your desired destination seems like forever. All of a sudden, it seems like time froze, or just plain extra slow when you're obviously paying more attention to the tick tock tick tock sound coming from your wrist. How strange, when time is always moving in the exact same speed. Such a different perspective towards a certain fixed issue provides such a different angle of outcome too. I guess looking forward for time to pass is such an enduring almost excruciating torturing bits of a short few minutes, perhaps even seconds.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience will achieve more than force.

I wonder is patience highly overrated for more than what it really worth's.? I doubt.



Pardon me, all of these were written in the middle of a lecture where the level of boredom can almost touch the sky. Where a supposedly qualified experienced doctorate lecturer is just practically sitting down in front of the laptop reading to herself. Where all the texts at the same time is being projected on the screen in front of more than 300 students. How efficient.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Eat eat eat....

I've been living on countless amount of cookies, or what you called biscuits. I haven't really started on instant noodles yet, because the day will come undoubtedly and of course, will linger around for a very long time.

Our college's cafe, according to seniors is much better than last year and besides the fact that all dishes consists of Malay food, its still fairly edible. Which I chose to only dine on it for dinner only and rather live on cookies, wafer cubes or bread for breakfast and lunch.

The good news though, there's Chinese food catering for Chinese students here. Of course under the college's own Chinese society which appears like a joke to a fellow high school mate when I told her Miss Banana Kelly actually joined the Chinese club. Hahaha. How hilarious. Though, its only for dinner and for me, even though I'm a little choosy with food, I guess its even better because I don't have to crack my head every night when I visit the cafe and figure out what to eat that night.

And Chinese food catering has just started this week. Four nights a week. With a reasonable price and I'm more than bloody thankful for it for I no longer have to endure a seven days a week hot and spicy curry dinner which apparently contribute to my nose bleeding incident. HA.!!

Anyway, today marks the third week I left my dear beloved hometown. And my back hurts because of the soft mattress and yes, I'm bedsick homesick.

So what I'm tan.?

I really couldn't understand why does certain seniors has the heart or so called determination to keep persuading juniors to join this and that club. I mean, this doesn't only apply to this semester's beginning only, the cycle repeats every bloody year.

And every year, there's still a number of thick face seniors born or dedicated seniors who's out there fishing for juniors to continue their faithful role next year.

I sincerely hope I would not be one of them. But then, I think I do get to decide to not become one of those flyers and pamphlets distributors or whatsoever. For I seriously do not think I possess such generous or rich patience to recruit new members by annoying juniors.

And I thought seniors are supposedly our role models by giving a good impression but seems like the picture they're obviously showing us is be an annoying frustrating person and preferably, a persuasive one.

I know, this is a rather finger pointing post, but I guess its a usual thing when one is frustrated by a number of seniors approaching all the time, and the best way to shut them of is the useful, "I've registered already" or when hand outs are given, "I got it liao". And well, they'll naturally walk away. And if they don't, this simply means they're more than the ordinary thick face personnel you think they are and be prepare for another long winding lecture of the advantages and benefits of this super club you're about to join BLABLABLABLA......

Usually, Chinese are approached by other Chinese and I have to say, by looking not very Chinese, this proves to be an advantage as they will sort of doubt a while and think whether should ask me or not or some just practically don't approach especially when I'm alone. But its rather sad when they can't tell you're a Chinese since your features are screaming outside, I don't look Chinese.!! Hai, poor me.

I just happen to be born tan and I'm learning to love it. Naturally. HA!!

Sunday, July 16, 2006

I'm waiting

I hate the feeling of sitting in the bus stop, looking down the road, waiting for the bus to arrive. It's like the only thing you can afford to do now is wait. The anticipation is so bothering that you wish so much to wipe it away. Unfortunately, it's not like the chalk scribbling on the black board.

The expecting feeling lingers around for so long. Perhaps the bus scenario is a much simpler one and hardly emphasizes the strong message behind the actual nerve wrecking sweaty palm anticipating minute second.

I dislike the feeling of waiting for something you're not sure of. Always waiting for an answer that you do not have the slightest idea when will it decide to pop out and say hello to the expected or unexpected solution. Such anxiety is nonetheless what disturbs you most from foot to toe and unknowingly it will affect your daily routine

Hating the feeling of a never ending line is as much as troubling as being waited. Being worried, concerned or just simple naive innocent pure caring feeling deep down from your genuine heart towards a certain person or a particular object.

Creating unnecessary concerns, something that could be making those who loved you most, who care for you genuinely without a slight hope of return, running wild because of waiting for you.


Because of you.


Being the one who's being waited for, doesn't feel good at all. It gets worst when things didn't turn out as it's supposed to be. It's such a disappointing, sad, depressing feeling and most of all, the guilt that's running in your blood, reminding you of your unthoughtful and childish act, when you created a mess, causing everyone to go frantic for you.

You do not know the difference of heavy and light. All you do know is yourself. Your own benefits, advantages. The selfish you, controlling you, at the same time destroying you by bits and pieces.

Quick!! Be really fast. Or else, you'll be done, when your body is completely eaten by the selfish bacteria. And you'll be the rotten decomposing creature being left for no one or nothing else more.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Dear Old Friend

They made their red carpet appearance last night when I was walking to another faculty for a compulsory subject, ethnic relationship. There were around 10 of us walking together and those in front of us was shocked by they're sudden emergence out of no where. Even though we've been expecting them to show up sooner or later, it was still quite surprising and even entertaining. There were two of them, one crossed the road and started to come towards us which explains why our friends were getting terrified. While the other one just stayed stationary at its place at the side of the road, looking at its pal's action either trying to scare us or being friendly. Those of us at the back were getting courageous and ask them to just continue walking and don't bother them. It was kinda dark and we couldn't make out their exact face. Even though their movements were rather hilarious. We were warned earlier by our seniors about their domination in this campus and to beware of it since some could be quite aggressive. To the state they would grab food from your dormitory's table through the window or put up a stern scary face and try to chase you around. Freaky dear old monkeys.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

I'm a Banana.!!

Being not Chinese illiterate, it proves to be quite a problem when it comes to remembering Chinese names. Not to mention when you're blending into a complete new and unfamiliar environment where you usually mingle around your own race. And that's why it proves to be quite difficult for me here since everyone introduce themselves to each other with their Chinese name which of course often comes with two words instead of a singular English one. Plus, being a Christian, I have a Christian name or simply an English name that actually come first in my Identity Card. Enough said.

There was actually this fellow who bluntly corrected my Chinese when we were having lunch and I barely knew him for even 10 minutes and when I claimed I was a banana, he turns apologetic immediately.!!

It makes things much easier when I just proudly admit the fact that I'm a banana and my Chinese literacy is only enough for speaking and understanding and perhaps reading some simple text messages. Honesty is the best policy.? HA.!

Another thing, ever since the first day I got here, we're approached by countless of clubs and societies and this and that, mainly Chinese one. Reason being we're the minority in this university and we have to unite to blablablablablabla.

A quick dinner in the cafeteria alone only, you can spot seniors hunting around for new caught fresh fish and load them about what XXX club's activities and advantages or benefits are and Yadayada. Or a simple trip to the campus centre, where most club's offices or mini marts or book shops or photo shop or optician or post office or what so ever is situated there and you can spot countless of Chinese people holding stack of papers which of course consists of forms asking persuading you to join and the list goes on.

I guess I forgot to mention that there also seniors who come knocking at your door, getting to know you and of course handing out pamphlets about what or who they're representing and the recycle goes on and on. Only last night alone, our door was knocked thrice.

Excluding the annoying seniors in the cafeteria that I once practically told them boldly that I'm honestly not interested and they actually still have the guts to go on and promote their activities. And blunt Miss Kelly just told them once again "You don't have to blab so much about it because we're not kids even though we're new and freshman because if we're really interested, we'll go." And that finally shut Miss and Mr. Three Inches thick face away and leave us back to our still untouched dinner.

Forgive me for being such a pain in the ass or a bitch full of sarcasm but it's quite useful when it comes to shutting off other annoying frustrating brats just because they're senior they think they're like gods to us. Sad to say you're not and I'll respect you equally as a senior providing the fact that you respect me as your junior too, not some brainless babies you can launch your brain wash plan.

Two places at once.

I spent a few days shopping in KL with my mum and sis when I just got here last week and it was rather exhausting where at the end of the day, it felt like I lost my feet. And this feeling continued till the last day in KL in which my uncle brought us to Ipoh. (Imagine the feeling of my feet separating from my body over and over again, that's how tired my squawky duck feet are)

Why Ipoh.? Because it's about 2 hour drive from my uncle's place and he's dying to meet his 18 months old granddaughter. There was nothing much to do there. We arrived in a small town called erm, I can't remember what it's called already but I'm sure the name starts with a letter B. And the coffee shops there are full with local goods like those biscuits and cookies and so on.

We arrived in Ipoh and had Chinese dim sum breakfast which I have to say nothing was really that spectacular other than they have this "curry chicken pao" that's the size of an entire plate. Yes, it's a gigantic bun. And No, I did not taste it because I was already stuffed.

We didn't really strolled around the streets of Ipoh, we practically spend few hours in my uncle's daughter in law's place chit chatting but it seems more like we're just waiting for time to past and here comes lunch hour.!

You see, the only highlight we were told and of course expecting in Ipoh was the famous Steam Chicken and Tauge (Bean sprouts). And curry mee. Uncle's son brought us to his famous place for these dishes which was actually again, filmed by some Hongkie which is a well known food commenter. I have to admit I do watch his show even though I couldn't remember his name and there were pictures of him and newspaper cutting of it hanging around the place.

Well, to sum it up, the chicken was nice, smooth but lack of the real divine taste of chicken flesh. The bean sprouts and curry mee is nice. Okay, I'm not much of a food describing person for I'm more to the practical part and that's eating. Haha.!!

Well, one thing about Ipoh was that I realized their shops are rather erm, filthy,? Even the one which was broadcasted on International TV earlier has a rather clean wall but the floor was well, dirty. Not to mention other shops which aren't renovated as nice as this supposedly famous one.

Not being criticizing but just a comment of someone who's from far away. And that reminds me of being here, far away from home and handling responses from people. Beside the usual weird remark I get since I'm from somewhere across the Largest Sea in the world, (note: it's sea, not ocean) , some would ask why did I choose here for it's so far away from daddy and mommy or that I'm courageous enough to come alone and live in the middle of no where and hardly know a soul. Or those idiotic so called urban city people who wonders if I still live in a jungle.

I have to strongly declare here, I'm not from a jungle, I speak fluent English though not advanced, I'm computer literate and Kota Kinabalu happens to be a much bigger city than many other cities or town in Peninsular just that we're not as highly ranked as KL. For an instance, it's a much better than the place I'm in now, Bangi or Kajang and even Ipoh.!

So please stop detesting me just because I''m from a place that has Orang Utan as it's mascot and their thick and rich rainforests.!!

To note, my lecturer actually said that he's considering a trip to the second longest river in our Boleh Land and longest river in our land below the wind, Kinabatangan River for our possible research trip whatsoever.

Oh ya, forgot to mention I'm taking Environmental Science. Till then.!!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Recycle

A friend of a college mate brought us out yesterday. Eventually, he was an UKM grad that’s working somewhere near us and voluntarily brought 4 of us out for some Chinese food indulgence after an entire week full of curry and curry and more curry.

Of course without doubt, we awarded ourselves with pork and pork and pork dishes. Hahaha. We took a short shopping trip to Mines which I have to declare that I sympathized our dear friend for tagging along us despite the fact that he’s the one who drove us around and still have to wait for us ladies. Ladies first.? HA!

We catch a movie before proceeding with our groceries shopping and eventually continued to the famous delicacies here, Kajang Satay. According to our friend, the place he brought us was filmed before and that’s the best Satay place in the area and after tasting it, I think its slightly overrated even though it does do taste good. But not divine like Baskin Robins ice cream. HA!

Anyway, for the first time in my life, I was touched by a horror movie where the story line is different than usual horror movies but still with the same old predictable ending even though the contents are slightly colourful.

It rose up loads of common issues of the society, abandonment or just simple expulsion or just throw away some old stuff. The range of it was so large that normally, you'll hardly give it a second thought before actually throwing away certain things.

The abandonment of the movie begins when the main actress, a writer threw away scribblings drafts of her next book which is a horror story and that story came to life and revolves around her. Spooky heh.?

The scene proceed to a place where old rotting materials in different sizes compiled everywhere. From small tiny stuff like rugged dolls, old toys to gigantic theme parks equipment like the pirate ship and there was even old books that’s thrown away. There was this strange scene where these unwanted books are all collected in a special place where there was a whole mountain of it while surrounded by sky high cabinets full of books and lifeless people working to repair those ancient old books.

And these are only simple examples which to us, does not seems like such a deep impact to today lives. But things turn a different angle when it comes to the abandonment of people and real solid lives.

This include graves that’s forgotten, as in our ancestors that’s buried six feet under no longer plays any roles at all in our hectic life that we just simply decide to turn a blind side to it. Pushing it to the furthest side behind in our obstinate brain cells that of course in other words means they do not have any significant at all. Ignored or abandoned.?

There was actually a fictitious scene where dead people was sitting down next to their tomb stone, waiting eagerly for their descendants just to pay a short visit or simply hoping some mutual respect to them, the deceased. Even from their already rotten face with flesh sinking deep into their sculls, you can still see their sad and disappointed expression. Okay, so I exaggerated.

There was also a tunnel where unborn babies are all attached to the reddish jelly wall that’s rather disgusting but to think of it, it gives the feeling of amnion fluid and placenta inside a mother’s womb. Just that these babies no longer exists. No, they never really actually did exsisted. They were abandoned by their own flesh and blood because of their irresponsible act of conceiving them and do not possess the slightest intention at all to even have them. Hence, here comes the high statistics of abortions.

This movie is rather inspiring and emphasize a strong message to the society screaming WAKE UP.!! It’s a neat production, feels more like a fantasy movie than a supposedly horror one.

I wish I could write more about the movie besides the fact that it starred Malaysian born award winner actress. The movie kinda makes me felt that I shouldn’t continue my attempt on continue writing The Dream because of the impact of it. And the cyber's noisy surrounding now is drivng me crazy and i'm getting out of here fast. NOW.!!

Saturday, July 08, 2006

I'm back. For now.

I've spent exactly a week here starting last Sunday which marks a great difference and beginning in my life.

I was ushered to a shabby old room that's situated at the centre of our college (hostel) which is none the less something quite advantageous considering the strategic location in the entire university which is the centre of everything. Yes, it's near to everywhere even though a 15 minutes walk to the main graduation hall is considered near. And trust me, I know it deep down having spent hours walking to the main hall few times a day during this entire week of Minggu Mesra Mahasiswa. And our college happens to have a cyber cafe which I am in now, laundry shop, sundry shop, cafeteria and of course loads of monkeys as told by seniors even though I haven't saw one yet.

Orientation just ended today. And that explains why I finally have the time to write a post. Will be updating more since the torturous week where we hardly sleep throughout this few days has finally come to an end and here comes Monday and I'm back studying again. But only around 17 hours a week so I have plenty of spare time. Assuming the fact that I have a few bucks to spare in this cyber. Since I haven't apply for the internet connection in my room and activation takes time. Hmmm....

I do not know how to expressed what does it feel to be in a place you know no one and begin a whole new life. It was days before I finally bump into my high school girl friend who lives pretty far away from my place. Having a roommate who's two years younger than me, mixing around people from places all around the country. Mingling around new people and seniors proves something else which I would love to write next time since time is running short.

And I'm getting used to people raising their eye brows or suddenly their eyes enlarge and look like my uncle's gold fish or a certain doubt or curiosity tone that they're obviously not hiding when they found out I'm from Sabah. And I'm more than happy to tell them I am indeed from Sabah, the place where ladies run around in naked butts since these enquiring people are lack of common knowledge about their own country who's clearly ignoring the fact that it's an authentic and acknowledged solid real CITY.

HA.!! Sarcasm in my blood. Till then.!