Thursday, August 31, 2006


I said, I'm not a birthday person. I rarely do celebrate birthdays since it happens every year. It's nothing extraordinary to me. It just simply meant you're getting older.

She said, the thing about birthday is that people around you that are willing enough to come and celebrate this special day with you, to show you they care. Or simply the sincerity of it is touching enough for you.? And it's not often that people will come and enjoy your day with you. Plus, in a lifetime, how many birthdays can you afford to go through happily with people that matters to your heart.? That leaves a great memory and huge significance to your short life.? Can you recall any of it.?

To think of it, I can't remember much of my previous birthdays. Whether it's because I didn't REALLY celebrate it like big time, or simply it just doesn't stay long enough in my mind to remind me of it. There are certain ones that I do remember, but it doesn't really affect me that much. Perhaps I have yet to pass an authentic meaningful birthday yet, that's able to stay deep in my mind, or I've simply put a full stop to it.? Not allowing anyone inside at all .? But, I hardly felt it.?

Birthdays are just birthdays to me, unless something really different happened or something special occurred, I guess its just another day of our life, telling you you're a year older, pausing to ask yourself, what have you achieved in the past year.? Are you satisfied with it.?

Leaving the teenage years behind, tapping into the 2-0 world in a forest, some said it's unusual, extra memorable. Some say its rather typical, who would want to spend their 20th birthday in the middle of no where.?

I did.


It rained heavily when I was in class today. The sudden alarming down pour alerted me a little, giving the lecture room more "life" than the monotonous voice from dear lecturer, bringing me back from my day dream to the ugly reality I'm living in. The fictitious world of mine, allowing me to drift as far as my mind allow it to be, gliding gracefully into a non-existent phase of life. An amazingly beautiful world that's impractical and also too good to be truth which does not exist. Fortunate, or unfortunate.? A world of my own full with impossibly gorgeous colourful pictures that no words can describe the beauty and meaning of it, combine with the absence of the usual melancholiness of reality woozing in and out from my obstinate brain cells, refusing to leave. Seeking refugee and comfort in an old and familiar place that stays stationary and close all the time within ourselves. Dwelling in this self-made world of ours, unproductive, yet favoured by many, as the usual spot for sulkers and I, the melancholious misanthropist. Day dream, indeed

Monday, August 28, 2006

Field Work 1

Warning, long post about previous trip with no picture, yet, and accompanied by a series of rants and whole lot of words. Run while you can.

This might sound ridiculous but I couldn't recall the name of the so called resort I stayed during the previous weekend field work. 3 days 2 nights spend there and all I know is it does not deserve to be called a resort and yes, its a forest where we bunked in. All I do know about the name is, its situated in a reserve park called Taman Agrotek. Since it's a reserved area, there's bound to be forest right.? Yes, it's sort of right next to a secondary forest with a river flowing all the way passing through the resort.

Anyway, the sandy filthy room with double decker beds we stayed in was fine. Covered with bed sheets that's washed at the river bank in front of visitors eyes while they just pour detergent and bubbles floating down the stream (In front of environmental science students!!) and no, the water is not crystal clear nor transparent. I think the precise word would be not dirty.

The loo, well, its quite a challenge to describe the exact bathroom condition without a photo or two for a clearer image of it. To sum it up, among the outdoor trips I've been to, be it camping by the sea side sleeping in an open canvas tent, extreme filthy jungle trekking and even Outward Bound School in a very isolated area, this is the place with the ultimate loo!!

No no no, don't get me wrong, the hygiene level is perfectly fine excluding those spider webs at the corners nor the cement floor with a weird colour and those sands that's always there no matter how many time you thought you've washed it away. And the limelight is the non existent of a sink and the water storage inside the loo with a bottom that again, cannot be seen nor the colour of whatever inside visible to our already confused naked eyes. One look at it and the first impression is the creepy eerie feeling of an extremely dark bottomless space with water that cannot be seen from the first look. And yes, there was water inside, in fact, the water storage space build of a cement wall only is actually full of water. Ah, the optical illusion playing tricks. And on second thought, it resembles a coffin. Hmmmmmmmm...

I guess its pretty obvious that the water source is nonetheless the river and since it rained like mad the afternoon after we arrived, and also the day after we reached which is Saturday, the water turns into a different shade. Meaning to say, water usage for cleaning purposes are all rich with the earth's yellowish colour not to mention the odor that comes with it. Ah, the smell of soil or earth perhaps.? And who knows what else does the river consist.?

And the food, well, since they serve Malay food and prepare 6 meals a day, the standard is unexceptionally well. Maybe because its prepared by people who's far away from the city and hence it taste more edible to us who, well not really into those hot and spicy curry stuffs. And yes, we're all well fed. Except the resorts little open cafe sure hell earned a sum from all of ours continuous mineral water purchase from them.

Okay, enough about the place we stayed. The field work we did. First thing we did was collect samples of plants inside the forest. Yes, different species of plants, we even measure tree's diameters, earth temperature, humidity, speed of wind, height of trees, pluck some complete structure of flora so that we can violently crushed it to juices after we brought them back to uni. Ha!

Then it rained heavily, much to some of our concern, leeches. Its a forest, leeches are like, inevitable creatures that would climb on to you and suck filthy blood out of you. Perhaps the idea of it isn't such a big deal, just that the slimy stuff attached to you skin is well, rather disgusting.? Some of us indeed unknowingly did donated blood to them and didn't realize until we rolled up our pants or rolled down or socks and found a patch of blood there with the dear leech no where to be seen.

Anyway, there was a briefing on our first night there and dear lecturer and her assistant enlightened us with true dirty stories of the forest based on their experience. They told us not to called or yell our real names in the forest, nor proudly acclaimed we're not afraid of ghost, or never be alone or never challenged the non human form and YADAYADA, there was a whole bunch of it and I can't remember all.

Next day involved a whole day of getting animals samples whether aquatic animals from the river inside the forest, small mammals, birds and also insects around the forest. Well, we never get too deep into the woods, and we just used traps, nets and our mighty bare hands. Of course, not forgetting measuring the width and depth of the river, velocity of river flow, wind speed, humidity, earth's temperature, blablabla.

At least it was pretty productive, we get whole loads of samples, whether aquatic animals that we caught while playing water in the river and getting our duck feets screaming with pain walking on small pieces of stones. And well, walking around with the scooping net, its a rather nice feeling when you did caught something. Imagine my joy when I caught a tiny shrimp and the water strider gliding on the water surface. Haha, self praising mode for a mere second. EXCUSE ME.!

Anyway, our traps caught a squirrel that was the centre of everyone's attention, shall post up the photos in latter entries to prove it. A beautiful kingfisher bird with extraordinary colours that we released after torturing its wings and beaks with the steel ruler. A small cute rodent that seems so innocent after being locked in a cage due to the temptation of a very ripe banana. And also a species of bat that's so tiny it barely covers my palm crying when we turn its wing inside out. Ha!

We release all this mammals except those insects and aquatic animals we get. The rest we preserved them with alcohols and formalin and they're all now in the lab, inside those lifeless transparent bottle samples, waiting for us to slide their throat open with blood splashing out at us. Just kidding.

We spend the second night there playing lame, funny games that makes us look like a bunch of 5 year olds, accompanied by a series of lame jokes. Not forgetting the kiddy moment where all of us fool around in the river, splashing water everywhere like we never see water before. The last morning there was a rather relaxing day, sampling air quality, measuring bearings, walking here and there counting foot steps under the rain making a scale from it for our map configuration. Yes, we learn mapping as well. And on our way back, we collected rock samples by the road side where its also the edge of a hill.

And that's it, we're back to campus, all happy, well fed, some with sunburn and scars of leeches and others insect bites, with loads of photos and memories, all tired and yet waiting for the next trip this Friday night.

You've been warned, its boring, long winding and full of words. HA!

Friday, August 25, 2006

Am I Busy.?

Perhaps landing myself in this course is rather fortunate for it involves field work. Meaning to say, less lectures, more outings. In other words, fun.

For the first half term as freshmen, we have two trips. Two weekends consecutively. Ah, rather tiring, but I guess when the fun manage to find their way to us, all the energy thrown out just make it worth it heh.? Too early to tell perhaps.? Guess we'll see. We'll see.

The first one begins tomorrow, involving only half of the class. Leaving in the morning and only getting back on Sunday night even though its a damn near place we're heading to. Still, looking forward towards it. Will blog about the trip when I get back.

Second one will be next weekend, right before the mid sem break. And this time, we're traveling further to the east coast of peninsular, the Cotton Island and the entire class is involved.

I'm tired and not in the mood for writing my usual thinking thoughts. Just an update of my campus life here.

But then, perhaps being tired isn't such a bad thing after all. Coming from another different perspective, its rather productive I guess.? Perhaps the hectic stuff is keeping me on hold. Telling you you're leading an at least okay life, not wasting your youth away.? And not too free with nothing to do and simply rant on the boredom every bloody chance you have.?

There was some of the time when I was too free and really haven't the slightest idea at all what to do to fill up those empty hours. And naturally, you've come to the stage that you rather being doing some routine stuff instead of shaking your legs waiting for the clock to tick. The enduring waiting moment again.?

It's the usual mind tricks that our brain is playing. Time fly unexceptionally fast when you're running here and there, work loaded up to your neck demanding for your every breath that you'll allow yourself to spare for each and everyone. And the familiar scene come whoozing in when you're free with nothing to occupy yourself and suddenly you noticed how impossibly slow the clock needle moves. It takes forever for the needle to move even a tiny little bit and it seems like it has a frozen muscle that's immobile.

Life, when you're too busy, you complain about it. Being no time to rest or do what your heart truly desire. When you're too free, you complain you're bored, that your meaningless life is hanging by a thread with hardly a goal for you to strive. A useless you.?

What exactly do we want with our life then.? Are we simply asking for too much then.? Is this good or bad.?

And I said I was tired. -.-!!

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

I hate title thinking.

I feel like swearing at the tops of my lungs. The frustration that's occupying my bloody brain cells just wouldn't leave.! Or is it my own obstinate brain cells self locking themselves.? Who's to be blame.? Me.? What's the rush of finding the reason behind or who to be blame.? Does it help.? No it doesn't.! But its too disturbing, bothering and I couldn't let it rest unless it comes out with a solution. Finding a solution isn't hard, just that which solution guarantees the best outcome.? I hate it when you have to choose and there's too many choices placed in front of you. Yes, the presence of variety is of course good, one get to choose and get what they truly desire and is in their best interest. But then, what if there isn't any at all.? None of them is what you want and nothing suits you best.? Would you pick the best among the worst even though it's hardly anything close to your priority.? The rose with the most already-dangling-petals among a bouquet of dying roses.? Or you'll continue waiting for the reincarnation of yet another rose from it's small fresh young bud and maintain status quo while waiting for the right one to roll down its red carpet.?

Patience is a virtue.? A courageous act indeed, yet difficult to bear those painful enduring moments waiting by the clock, watching the dreamy needle ticking by, hours cruising down the endless time piece.

Monday, August 21, 2006

I'm melancholic again.

There was a sudden unexpected feeling of tears trying to accumulate in my puffy eye cloaks. It was sad. Yet, I wonder what's the actual reason of such sudden triggered moment. It reminds me of so many things that cannot be explain. Something that cannot be described nor represented by the usage of words only. Not even pictures. It's something that can only be felt. Just like those little words that Mandy Moore whispered.

It's like the wind, you can't see it, but you can feel it.

Sometimes, I underestimated my own feelings, my own deep actual feeling that's actually hiding behind my annoying rational mind. I'm not an optimistic person. I'm quite a pessimist, but I call it realistic. For I put into account all the odds. Whether its bright or dark. I'm not superstitious, nor bother anything that's suppose to be on top of the taboo list. I don't give a damn. I just don't trust those mumba wamba stuffs.

Or perhaps, I have yet to meet some yet.?

I thought I could pass by it, but it didn't. I did felt it. The feeling came rushing in like the sudden nerve being triggered sending impulse all over me. Least expected but yes, it came. The missing feeling. It feels good to miss or being missed. But sometimes, its disturbing. The anticipating longing feeling that never seems to comes to an end. It's so long winding and not necessarily promising but yet, it has to go on. It's like, all you can afford to do now is just that. Nothing else. And that's also not because it's a necessity, but because it's best like that. For without the anticipation, the significance will no longer be there. It feels rather empty, rather out of your reach. But that's all you can do. Life is just like that.

Is human always such a pig.? Turning against their backs once they're granted with what they always wanted.? The greed and anticipation is feed, then its no longer valuable. Perhaps only after a while, after you're done enjoying it and started to get sick of it. The backward cycle begins again. You just can't wait to get rid of it and to you, its time to move on to the next one.

Yes, we shall never live in the past and its always the future we're heading to. But then, once you look at the today you, full with complaints, and to think back the then happy smiling you, would you laugh at your own silly simple satisfaction back at the old days, or rather miss the less complex and happier you.?

Do you understand what I wrote.? Tell me if you do, for I don't. I'm lost. AGAIN.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Part One

It was dark,
I was scared.
It was cold,
And I'm alone.
No where to be,
No one to be with.
But you came,
And saw the light in me.
I was lost,
But you found me.
Take me with you,
To where you'll be.
And I'll fly with you,
To where we've seen.
In the wings of yours,
And I'm safe in it.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006


Warning, raging post below. Do not read if you're not in for sarcasm and angry rants.

I'm getting very irritated by people here who haven't the slightest idea about Sabah's or Kota Kinabalu's current position or status. It's been mention here, here and also here that expressed my sarcasms towards certain idiotic lack of knowledge urban city people who still think we runs in naked, lives in tree houses, and has orang utans as our pets that we can keep in our small cozy wooden tree houses inside the deep and rich rainforest where its also conveniently comes with broadband internet connection and astro. How wonderful!!


I have no intention of constantly repeating my sarcastic remarks over and over again but its such a discrimination and also extremely degrading to us Sabahans if we do not defend our stand! I mean, these are idiots where the first question they asked if fortunately would be have you climbed mount Kinabalu.? And when you say no, its like what kind of Sabahan are you.? Its like all of them though Mount Kinabalu is in the fucking centre of an established city in Malaysia.! I do know Genting highlands or Cameron highlands is not at the centre of their states even since I was a kid! Why, because I have brains to think about geography and I ain't blind.!

The most we can see from our beloved CITY is a small peek of the peak of the mountain. And it takes a bloody 90 minutes drive before you actually reach the small town, Kundasang, that can actually view the mountain closely.!! That's also known by the Chinese as the foot of the mountain. And for your information, that's also the town where National Park is located and also the usual destination of all climbers. And another new place have open up for climbing is the Mesilau Resort that's heavenly blessed with mother nature and well conserved. Hell, the entire Kundasang area is well reserved!

And I seriously don't think every single person in Pahang had climb those mountains there before. And how can you assume every Sabahan had climb Mount Kinabalu.? If you're saying seeing it means climbing it, yes then every floating soul would have been on the peak before.

These idiots also have no idea that Sabah is like full of tourists from all over the freaking world.? We have the Chinese, Taiwanese, Japanese, Koreans and god knows what sort of countries those numerous numbers of Mat Salleh roaming in Kundasang or KK comes from!! Shame to those peninsular people who just because they don't travel out of the country and just stay within this entire peninsular that's even smaller than the whole of Sarawak. And yes, we east Malaysia are indeed travelers across the sea and also ocean !!

There's actually a lecturer that questioned a coursemate of mine of her origins and she answered she's from Sabah. And when dear lecturer questioned further about Kota Kinabalu current status, she kept quiet. Shame on you! But I think she's not from KK and Sabah is very big, ladies and gentleman, not only with one city but two and also other towns mind you.

Anyway, there were some of us who we were answering her yes, KK is indeed an acknowledged and recognized city approved by the government but she's still in doubt asking like a freaking lecturer with no common knowledge about other states when she herself is complaining that we're not reading enough newspaper to answer her other so called irrelevant current issues questions.

Shameless and arrogant me raised my hand and clarified that KK was established as a city since year 2002!! I could fucking remember the bloody date!! That's when brilliant lecturer starts questioning about the criterias that fulfill a city status. Populations, yearly income, production blablablabla.

Great, a lecturer, a doctor, haven't the slightest idea that among the authentic established cities in Malaysia and three or four of them is, I have to proudly say, is in East Malaysia. Not to mention that KK is not only bigger than dear lecturer's hometown, its bloody wealthier and advanced too!! Now go back and eat your fucking words before you come pointing at us.

Yes, we suck, after all we're much nearer to our ancestors, the great monkeys. HA!!

You've been warned.

I like this song

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh, ooh

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to these rules

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, ohh

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Hurt by Christina Aguilera.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

It hurts

It hurts when you're always okay.
It hurts when you're not okay.
It hurts when everyone thinks you're okay.
It hurts when no one knows you're not okay.
It hurts the most when you think you're okay but you're not.

It hurts when you're not close.
It hurts when you're too close,
It hurts when you knew nothing.
It hurts when you knew too much.
It hurts the most when you shouldn't know too much but you do.

It hurts when you're late.
It hurts when you knew you're too late.
It hurts when you're wrong.
It hurts the most when you know you're wrong.

It hurts when someone hurts you.
It hurts when someone you love hurts you.
It hurts when you hurt someone you love.
It hurts the most when you hurt someone who loves you.


Thursday, August 10, 2006

What Do You Think.?

It's very disturbing when there's too many things trying to rush into your mind at the same bloody time. It gives the impression of a self manufactured competition that's launch within yourself. You yourself has created an enemy for you and that's your brain. Or perhaps the familiar heart vs brain scenario.? It's annoying alright, but at the same time, is it inevitable.? It would be so much better if it is. Then one doesn't have to pay extra unnecessary attention to these rubbish perhaps.? Nonsense.? Are these really small stuffs that doesn't deserve such excessive alarming worries.? Or, is it actually something that we're depending on psychologically without realizing.? As a form of motivation or reason to go on.? Or simply some barrier that's essential to prove your work and thoughts that's worthy of its own.? Either we're not aware of the importance of such existence or we're stubbornly turning a blind eye towards it.? Pushing it to the back of our tiny brain cell silently wishing its not there actually and thus can be ignored.? Then I guess its time for you to wake up say and hello to the unwelcome yet inescapable presence. After all, it's better to learn and tackle it before its too late and who knows it might bite back instead.?

Is it so.?

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Banana vs chili

You see, there's many disadvantage and advantage of being a not completely banana. For my Chinese literacy level still allow me to read simple Chinese words, even text messages and certain forward emails. And I can speak fluent unbroken English, just not advanced.

And it wasn't long before my college's freshman knew that I'm a banana after an incidental emcee role during a recent college event where I spoke with a weird English accent with a slang or two due to the person who was coaching me earlier. HA!

Anyway, imagine my shock when my "neighbour" asked me to assist her with her Chinese tuition homework! I mean, yes she's a Malay and have been taking up Elementary Chinese Classes that's offered by our own college. It's not much of a surprise since I have another Malay course mate who's been taking Chinese classes too asking around other Chinese coursemate to help her with those little Chinese bamboo stick writings.

Well, the thing is, the egocentric and arrogant me admitted to the nice neighbour of mine that I'm not very good in Chinese since I'm not from a Chinese educated background and well I just gave it a shot and peep at her little exercise book with small checkered square boxes.

And I can't help it but sincerely felt a little proud of the banana me and the self learning session I gave myself after all these years for being able to help her. HAHAHA!!

Okay enough of self praising mode.

Anyway, at least its a pretty neat thing for the malays to be actually taking up Chinese classes and Miss banana Kelly should be ashamed for being a Chinese not able to read or write in that language. (At least I can speak.!! Okay, self comforting words.) And I was thinking before whether to join those Chinese classes or not since they are other Bananas who joined and they're the minority of the class. Hmmm...

And the answer is no, I did not join because I'm a lazy bum ass who hates to write Chinese and yes I'm arrogant but not enough to not join them. I just hate those joining bamboo sticks scribbles.

Why chili.? Because it's an ingredient that must be use in all kind of Malay dishes or they'll be inedible.


Sunday, August 06, 2006

Class of 2003 reunites!!

Yesterday's reunion was a blast. Yes, I failed to mention that there was a Form 5 reunion held in Mid Valley. Well well, odd isn't it.?

We, young lads who had fly all over across the great South China Sea to further our studies, leaving our hometown where we use to run around in nude, growing up in forests in our beautiful sky high tree houses with Astro and broadband internet where our pets are Orang Utan.

Okay, a hell lot of sarcasm to feed you up.

Anyway, it was great. To sum up, there was more than 20 of us wrecking up the back sections of Mid Valley's Nando's. Okay, so twenty plus isn't THAT great. But considering the fact that we're all far away from our tree houses, all coming from separate uni's and colleges around KL just for a lunch, it's still a pretty sweet thing after all.

Great, I'm getting mushy gushy. HA!

Anyway, all of us came from a very scattered list of campus, UKM, UPM, UM, UITM, UTAR, TARC, IMU, Taylors, Monash, Aliff, One Academy, Lim Kok Weng, Nilai College and another two colleges I couldn't recall the name where one is in Seremban and one is in Kajang and not forgetting with the furthest who came all the way from Melaka's MMU. And forgive me if I missed anyone out for I'm getting old and my dear old memory is betraying me.

Seriously, beside celebrating Chinese New Year back at home, it's pretty hard to gather up so many people together and looking back at those familiar faces certainly does feels different. It does bring us back to those sweet old days. All breaking into the big 2 0 engraving a great signature in these twenty years we've lived. Spending at least a couple of years together, drifting over less-stressed-more-carefree-days, the secondary school years. I guess the most important and obvious thing is that those days are the lime light of our life when our hormone starts telling us stories, getting physically attracted to different gender's acquaintances. All blossoming into horny desperate teenagers.


Anyway, it's not so often that we have this chance, it's rather pleasant and perhaps we could do it once again another time. Flashing back to the 17 year old us really make us feel old, but at the same time, visiting the past can be rewarding. Of course, providing the fact that we do not linger too long there, it will backfire and become extremely unproductive.

After all, the past is past, always a memory for you to ponder on once a while to trigger a grin to your sulky face. Or perhaps a form of guidance namely the harsh teacher call experience, to continue our long winding life. Not a burden nor a sad remembrance to remind you of the unpleasant happenings. What that has happened can never be undone. Look through it from another different angle and transform it into a weapon instead. You'll be much surprised at how far it can bring you.

Ahh......Where the hell am I going.? Nevermind.


p/s : Indeed a great gathering. Well done to the organizers!

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Hope of an Egg.

Hope, what is it actually.? The meaning its hiding behind those four little letters that sends different message or definition to each and every human.

Is it something that promises people light in the great darkness.? The faintest hint of light in the pitch black alley that provides all sorts of hope that one can secretly hope for in whatever situation where hope is the only thing that keeps them alive. At least, for now.

Hope, it can be the back bone of a person, an important element that's motivating you down the bumpy road that you do not have the courage to attempt or continue at the beginning. The most powerful weapon you possess in fighting for yourself if you allow it to be. It can also be the only thing that one is counting on to continue this long winding never ending road. The power of it, shall not be question, doubt and of course, underestimate.

But then, as good as it may seems, as bright as it might shone, its hidden dangerous power are always overlooked by the common hope-seeker or hope-griever person. The potential it conveys behind those bright curtains are always ignored or simply invisible. The actual strength that it could possibly be the main reason in destroying a person's life either slowly or drastically.

When hope did not answer you, or the answer did not fulfill your early expectations, will you be disappointed.? Or simply just treat it as an everyday thing and take it as another lesson learnt.? Or you're so depressed and let down that it will eventually tear off an irreplaceable piece directly out from you.? Leaving you hanging by a thread, or worse, couldn't even regain to your original state.

Is it really that fatal.?

Loading everything to a single hope is indeed a foolish and irrational act that shall not be practiced. At least not after you've learnt your expensive lesson. Once the hope is shattered into millions of pieces, so are you. Well, look at the bright side, glasses can't be glue back, but at least you can still stand up if you wish too. Of course, only if you would.

What about false hope.? I say, it's even worse. The hope that's not even there, never existed perhaps. The thought of that there's people who are actually depending on it to go on is pretty sad on it owns. A fugly picture.

A road that bears no end, no exits but with its glorious shining reaching out for you from your behind. Just that it doesn't come from the sun of an exit route, but merely a candle that's burning on its own conscience. Brightens up your route all the way to the end , waiting for you to discover it, that as expected or not, a dead end. That has no promises, that has NOTHING. Nothing at all.

How sad is that.? It's so much worse than hope that's clustered. Giving false hope, is even worse and uglier than not giving at all. Even though false hope can still be call a hope, or perhaps it is indeed a hope, still something that people sincerely look forward to. But only to be left later, waiting for the heart breaking moment to be discovered that its actually a sad empty shell, with hardly a thing beneath its hard cold stubborn core. Just an empty hollow egg shell.

Finding a bad rotten egg is even better perhaps. At least, there was really something inside before and you were just late or the egg wasn't in a good condition. Not an egg that's thought to be an egg but never was even from the very beginning. It never was.

After all, hope is only big if you see it big.

Ah, the sweet old boring life. It's only big if you see it big.. It could be the size of a teenie weenie little ant in your palm, it can also be the size of Jupiter that monopolize your entire fist size pumping heart. But, at the end of the day, everything is still up to you, the palm and heart owner.

After all, you're still the one with the remote control of your fellow brain cells friend.


Thursday, August 03, 2006

In or Out.?

Okay, let me get this REALLY straight. What's the number one rule of going into an entrance where there will also be people coming out from the other side of the entrance.?

Basic common sense tells every single human being, ( at least those with enough brains) to wait for those who's inside to come out first, before going in right.?

I mean, even though you could be waiting anxiously and patience is running out and the first thing on your mind is to push all the way in once the door is open, regardless of the amount of people that's actually coming out from the same door.?

Seriously, no matter how desperate or impatient you are, its still better to let them come out first, to at least provide some space to get your ass in right.?

Let me take a very simple example that happens all the time in our daily routine. The elevator. You see, the compartment door isn't that big and it can't accommodate people who's trying to get out and get in at the same bloody time! But those nincompoops are always barging in with all their might and we can't even get ourselves out!

I mean, that's the simplest logic on earth! If you don't let me out, how am I suppose to fucking let you in.? One word to label them, DESPERATE IDIOTS!!

I can't help but notice that this is happening to me almost every bloody day. When going out of lecture halls, or the elevator. With the desperate idiots almost everywhere, waiting to climb over our heads when it's time to go out.

Seriously, are they really that desperate to get a good space in the freaking large lecture hall.? We could hardly find our way out because they're all coming in while we're still in there. The door is completely blocked, corridor full with people lining up trying DESPERATELY to get out and not forgetting those impatient idiots who's lecturer who's yet to be seen.

All come marching in as if there's an invisible first come first serve basis to get a first class degree. Perhaps they're all like kids fighting for the best seat to get our dear lecturer's heart.

Oh guess what.? I won today.! And dear lecturer give me an A because my annoying face is always at the front row!!

Right and you can kiss my foot.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

What's more.?

The more you're given, the more you'll ask. Even from the earliest intention, you wasn't expecting much to happen, wasn't aiming high at all. Just doing it as a part of responsibility or simply for fun. Practically knew one's real worth and actual capability.

But when things started to change, shifting to a much better brighter side or perhaps you have finally grew up with enlarged eyes and the bigger picture becomes more visible to your innocent naked eyes.? And here comes the time when you've learn to ask for more.

Striving for something with what's given, without expecting much in return. A simple genuine act of courage and responsibility. Perhaps, with a little addition of interest and passion in it. But, the rewards DID found their way to you. You're more than happy to welcome it's grand appearance. The gigantic smile engraved in your little heart, boosting your confidence and faith. Lifting you up high to the sky, almost reaching the dreamy cloud nine.

Telling you, YES YOU CAN!!. Or it's actually seducing you into believe you really can.? A positive way of encouragement.? It's actually a pretty good thing. Of course, providing the fact that you don't celebrate your victory much too early. In other words, your confidence that's suppose to be an important element in winning your way up, might backfired. And throw you down. Completely. Smashed.

Your hope, shattered into pieces, thousands of tiny little glass bits from a broken glass.

But, was there actually a hope from the very beginning.? Or was this "hope" actually an outcome of the process.? The evolution of certain unexpected gaining, rewards.?

Why do human always ask for more when what they have already is more than enough.? The natural greed in our blood that's born with us.? The ever growing appetite of every single homo sapiens to ask for more especially when everything is going smoothly beyond our least expectations.

And when humpty dumpty falls off the wall, so does your new born promising hope. Everything return to its usual form. Nothing changes. Nothing differs from the beginning. Just the same old you.

No, it's not.

It makes a huge difference. It marks another great level of your life. Another station visited, another irreplaceable lesson learnt, another valuable experience gained and perhaps another failure or success that brings you to your next destination of our never ending journey.

Success, isn't necessarily a good teacher, it's only an evidence that proves you've done it. At least, only till where you are now. It can be a form of motivation, or a form of ego boost or even the beginning of a self destructive program. Everything is up to you.

The same applies to failures, its the best teacher, but also an extremely harsh one. If you can't take it, it'll bring you down. But if you can, it's the best among the best. Even better than success.

Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can't lose. -Bill Gates