Friday, September 29, 2006

You're fake.

He said everyone is a pretender.

No one on this bloody world doesn't pretend. Always trying to be something or someone you're not. It's inevitable. It's just the difference between how much or how little you pretend.

Rather fictitious.? Are we living on earth playing someone else's character instead of our own.? Or are we simply trying to fool ourselves into believing we are what we're acting, but deep down inside, you know you're not.? Self denial.?

Do you prefer leading a life full of lies, or a life with more misery but a more genuine one.? Are we allow to choose.? After all, the mind is still yours for you to decide on what you want and what you do no want.

But, perhaps the environment you're living in speaks otherwise.? Influencing your choice.? Telling you its better to act a little and blend into the society rather than stand alone in your private lonely little world.?

Or perhaps, your instincts tell you, pretending has become an important tool to protect yourself.? An invisible shield that keeps you away from selling out the actual you.? Avoiding from unnecessary attention.? Or the opposite, buying a better self image with an act or two.? Or perhaps, you're simply lack of self confidence.?

Why does everyone has the need to pretend.? A necessity instead of a choice nowadays. But I guess that's how life works for everyone. Whether a shattered soul or a strong spirit, you still pretend once a while. Why.?

Is it because no one is perfect.? But if you're perfect, aren't you already imperfect.? Perhaps our mind is trying to convince our heart we're better than what we really are, approaching closer to the 100% perfect score is at least better than nothing. Another boost of self esteem or another great lie told from dear mind to heart.?



I wonder...............

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Are you a smartie.?

Is being smart an offence? Or is acting smart an offence.? Pretending like a-know-it-all when you're not.? Pretending like a fool when you're not.? Playing innocent and naive all the time when you're not.? Hunting for sympathy and attention in a silent mode, a sneaky way behind.? Hiding the real you behind those ugly acts of yours, not revealing who are you.? The act of a smartie or a loser.?

Sometimes, smart people are too busy being smart that they tend forget they're actually being an idiot too. Not to mention, smarties forgot they are other smarter people around. I guess confidence plays a huge role here, or perhaps playing tricks instead?

Being smart hurts sometimes when you knew too much about the truth, too brainy that your mind simply couldn't deny the actual fact, you just have to accept it. The dark side of being too clever heh.? No more ignorance is a bliss.? Or perhaps, its an advantage.? The inability to lie to yourself.? Good or bad.? Hard to say.

Unable to create any self denials to the rational and stubborn you. Forced to face the truth everytime any fugly thing happens, no more hiding beside mummy's back, no more avoiding the truth whether you like it or not, for it had happened. After all, the world doesn't live for you alone. But hey, look on the bright side, you've grown up, not old mind you.

Yeah, it's a little sad sometimes, but I guess in terms of the long effect, its still better to be smart and know the truth earlier even though you'll get down once a while. Perhaps its better than being a fool and not realizing anything till the very end. And everything just land on you like a massive bomb and you find yourself encountering loads of explosive moments all the time.?

I guess here's where the good or bad, hard to say thingy comes in again. If you're a fool, you discover things later and then suffer, but then a fool wouldn't have to go through smart people's woes or unnecessary complex thoughts right.? And smart people doesn't lead a much simpler and happier life compared to fools. Can you still call them fools then when they lead a better life than yours.? Ah, the odds and ends of everything, endless.

So, be a fool but act like a smart ass that shows you're even more idiotic that one could imagine, or be an authentic cute little nincompoop, or be smart but act like a fool, or be smart and act like a sickening jerk that shouts to everyone hey I'm smart you better watch out.?

Which one are you.?




Somehow, I prefer to think of myself as not smart, but not an idiot too. Cheers.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Faith

5 little letters, yet such a big word. It can lift you up, it can also break you into a zillion pieces.

If you're without it, you're a living mannequin. If you have too much of it, it might do you more harm than good.

A life with great faith is most of the time envied by those who does not have it. Those who count on others' faith to move on. Those who's life is lacked of faith so greatly that it surprises you they're still here today. Those who need a slight push forward from those who are willing enough to help.

A life without faith, a life without self esteem to boost yourself up. Leading such a sad life where you can't even trust your own mind and ability. A life full of sadness, doubts, uncertainty and disappointment towards yourself. Lost, in your own life, providing if you do have one in the beginning.

I do not believe in living a life without the slightest hint of confidence nor faith. Faith is almost everything. It shapes up a person. One should never underestimate the power hidden behind this little word. Nor should one ignore it.

How does one manage to live without faith.? Without trust.? To have no self confidence, no self principles, to be readily pushed around and easily influenced by those who have a massive of them. Unable even to stand on your own feet, nor your own shoes to feel what your inner heart is trying to tell.

To place your own emotions on someone else's hand without even realizing it. Reluctant even to help yourself to control your own heart. For heart keeps discouraging you, denying yourself. Pushing yourself to the back of the list. And dear mind just simply does not possess a stronger will to climb up the list. Its such a pity, but its a shame too.

One can't possibly live without faith. Of course, you won't die. But you'll live a life without life. Alive, yet lifeless.


I'm melancholic, again.................................

Monday, September 25, 2006

I dreamt.?

Dreams, it is believed that there's bound to be some meaning hiding behind those foggy blurry moment of ours. A part of us that drifted away during those sleepy hours, where we recharge ourselves, unconscious yet normal.

Some people are dying to know what their dreams mean. Some couldn't even remember what they dreamt about. Some doesn't care at all. It's just a dream after all. I guess everything just depends on how you take it. How a dreamer takes his or her dream. If you insist to see it big, of course it will be big. If you don't, you'll hardly even remember that you actually had a dream.

Most of the day we wake up, not even thinking or care if we did had a dream or not. Usually, we can't recall our dreams, and hence concluded that we had a dreamless night, but it was a peaceful sleep. I once read somewhere that majority of the time, we thought we did not dream. But the truth is, we just simply had forgotten about our dream once we're brought back to reality, awake.

When I was really free early this year, with nothing much to do with my time, I tend to remember my dreams well. As I woke up in the morning afternoon, with just some chores to attend to, it leaves me plenty of time lazing in my cozy warm bed with extra brain cells to recall my dreams. For one normally doesn't give a damn about it, unless the dream turns out to be really special or the opposite, disturbing enough to keep you restless.

Someone once said that, its easy for you to recall your dream when your brain is less occupied, free of stress and I guess its just a way to keep my brain from dying completely, thinking about nonsense perhaps.? But I guess he's right, for nowadays, I can hardly remember my dreams at all. I have no time to think about it, or perhaps no available seats in my brain for dream counting. Not like those care free days.

No more time to ponder around after you wake up, thinking back, recalling those sweet or bitter dreams that leaves you smiling at the foot of your bed. Now, you wake up, and it's time for class or this and that. Life does moves on. It has too, and so do you.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Election

As mention here and here about campus election in local universities, those of us who doesn't give a damn about it usually just pass by the whole meaningless thing by voting for what we are told to save our asses so we'll stand a chance in securing a place in our college next year.

As a freshman, I couldn't help it but get really sick of the election system that's running in the campus. Call it democratic, but the only application to it would be our limited democracy right in choosing only within the appointed party, not to mention those few candidates we're forced advised to vote for. I mean, if you're starting early to nurture our country future leaders in our democratic land by running a democratic system beginning in the education level, how can one possibly restrict our freedom of choice by summoning us to vote for ONE typical party ONE, i.e. the legal one. I thought this is call corruption, not government.

In fact, it is so lame there is only one legal party, being the government one. The winning one. If you vote against them, you're considered as a traitor and could face certain circumstances in which they highlighted it in a away like a great crime committed. I find it too ridiculous to believe as if there's no other party running, why run an open election.? Plus, if the other so called illegal parties are roaming everywhere risking their asses off, what's the point of having a government if there's no opposition party.?

And if its really that bad, why are there still underground parties running for the uni's government.? And there's still students working behind it too, aren't they afraid of being kicked to god knows where.?

The way they make it sound as if these underground parties will approach us and try to contaminate us with wrong information, trying to make us bias to their side. In case we the juicy fresh fish is being threatened or whatsoever, we should report.

I understand that. What I don't is why is there such a WEIRD election when parties are not allowed to compete fair and square in front of everyone. And voters are not allowed to vote according to what they think is best for them. Of course we're allowed to vote for who and who, but not which party, for there's only one that CAN be voted, legally.

As voting system can track out who voted for what who, its best not to play tricks. And of course who are we to complain.? We're just good pedestrians drifting by doing what we are told. I'm just merely ranting my disappointment towards these system. No offence.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Love and Hurt 2

Love, is it really that wonderful.?

It hurts the most, yet it's believed to be the best thing that can happen to a person. If love does not hurt, is it still love then.? Without love, there will be no hurt that comes from it, but wont you'll be hurt by the loneliness that falls upon you too.? But does love guarantee you away from emptiness.? The magic or power of true love.? Or a fool's love.?

A guy friend once said that if love doesn't hurt it would be perfect. One doesn't have to be so depressed because of it. But then, if love doesn't hurt, it will no longer be love. Men can't live with women and love, yet they can't live without them too.

Another guy friend said, it would be wonderful if he has no feelings. He'll be save from going through those miserable unbearable feeling of hurt, love and lost. But then, if one has no feelings, what's the point of living.? In fact you're hardly living, just like a dummy. Even though you'll feel no sadness nor any darkness that fells upon you, there's no sense of happiness nor any streak of light too. You're just like that forever, a straight line never approaching no end, infinite.

Love, the more it hurts, the more you love. If love doesn't hurt, perhaps you should question, are you really in love.?


Love and Hurt 1

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Today

First look at him, I felt like protecting him. He just looked too vulnerable to me. So fragile that a gust of wind could have blown him away. Or perhaps, thumping my feet in front of him would have scare the shit out of him.

Everytime I looked at him, he always seems to me that he's hiding from someone. More like he's hiding himself from the eyes of everyone. But he's not invisible.

His fair complexion with his black coloured frame glasses and his famous mascot, never-out-of-place hair neatly combed lying lifelessly on the top his little head. Combine with his small frame and his backpack behind his hunching back with books tightly hugged in front of his chest, he reminds me of a primary school student wandering around in a campus, lost.

Far away from his cozy home, he sends the message that he's an extremely endangered protected species that requires humble and delicate care or else will break into a million pieces once you put your finger to it.

I once saw him asking for a senior's signature, part of the orientation fuss, his hands were shaking and he was swallowing those seniors word one by one, that if you didn't get at least shit numbers of signatures, you wouldn't get their notes. He was dead serious about it, until words starts singing around that some of us doesn't give a damn about it at all. I wonder if he still has the signature list.

I once approached him, telling him not to change to a much more famous and difficult course which is of his top priority, and he thought I was a wicked senior trying to coax him to stay in a course of his least interest. If he's qualified for it, for sure he's already in it, I wonder what makes him think they would actually let him in now. His common knowledge is so shallow that a newspaper would have drown him instantly.

I could hardly bring myself to believe it, a little annoyed of his childish brainless idea, but I pitied him even more. Sometimes I felt like patting him on his head, but afraid of messing his everlasting neat hair. I never see him at ease of himself, it pains to think that he's suppressing himself from his actual feelings. Not allowed to be himself, but perhaps he is like this.?

The only time he seems lively to me was during our trip, and he joined us in our 5 year old act of playing water in the river. We were surprised, and of course gladly enlightened him. Splashing him everywhere with the yellowish water, trying our best to mess his hair, and the only sign that showed he's just like us is when he flashes a peace sign in our photo whoring session.

It feels rather different to see him finally step out of his secured locked self, but I guess its pretty rare, as he's once again back to his little hidden world.

I got caught.

I'm not much of a public transport person. I spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong more than two years ago and I actually used their public transport more than my then 18 years of living in our dear Boleh Land. It was not until lately after coming here for studies that I'm starting to use these public transport more regularly. And of all the time whether riding on a coach, LRT, commuter train or the Hongkie "TING TING", I was never once being inspected for my ticket. And yesterday, I was caught. For having a Touch and Go card instead of a normal issued ticket.

Today, I got caught by a lousy sales assistant in a supposedly above 18 blue shop, demanding for my age and IC. (To hell with her, I don't mind if she thinks I actually look below 18, I would actually thank her for that, but her manners sucks to bits annoying my every nerve) I was with my roomie who's only turning 18 in three weeks time. I guess that explains everything because she does seriously look young. Ah, it makes me feel young too. HA!

Tonight, I got caught by my hostel's felo, (the people who you should look for if you're having a problem about your hostel) for installing another lock to my room. I was hammering the stubborn screw to the door and it just wouldn't bloody get in. Not even when I screwed it like mad using a rusty screwdriver. All those DONG DONG DONG sound brought dear felo here, telling me I'm not supposed to install a lock blablablablabla. Well, at least she's not fining me for it. Hey, it's an isolated place here I'm living. Don't blame me for being extra cautious.

And the fasting month is beginning this Sunday, and we have to fast along with them because the cafe is only open at night till early morning full with hungry ghost roaming in the cafe, flooding every bloody dishes. Thank god there's food catering for me.

Amen.

Monday, September 18, 2006

I broke my mirror

It's been a few days and it seem like ages for me. (Thanks to my ancient laptop and uni's fantastic internet connection) I don't know why. Writing at least something almost everyday has become a habit instead. And the longer I dragged, the more I think, the more saturated my brain get, the more moody I became.

I guess writing is therapeutic for me. It allows me to release myself in a way that I can express what I want to say without having to think much and also having the chance to recite back or read back what I used to thought.

The sweet old innocent days.

It reflects a lot. In fact, it shows you a different you. Its like viewing yourself from an entirely different perspective. It's rather promising and productive. Self evaluating. Self describing. Self learning. Self experimenting. Whatever you named it. Just like the Pensieve in Harry Potter's world. And you wouldn't realize it at all if you didn't took that turn from the very beginning and view it from that particular angle.

Sometimes you get to see something that you never you would. Why.? Because its hard to look at the inner you when all you're doing is just staring back at your own image in front of a foggy glass trying to cover your weakness. But if your certain thoughts are represented in words, and with you approaching it like as an outsider, a stranger, you'll be surprise at what it actually looks like.

Sometimes I surprises myself by reading back my previous post and it occurs to me that why on earth did I wrote something like that.?

It's just another learning phase of our life. The life of your blog that's a part of your life. A great story full of your words. A great reflection of yours.

A mirror of you.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

My laptop's keyboard failed me.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Food Oh Food........

Last night, I was enjoying my hot soup aka instant noodles in this chilly weather when it occurs to me that it's been ten long weeks since I've last tasted my mom's cooking. And when was dad's last Sunday chef stunt.?

Tonight, I was gobbling down my RM 2.50 nasi campur aka our 4 nights a week catered chinese food when it occurs to me how such simple chinese meal like that could already draw a grin from my sulky face. It's not because its ultra yummy, or the great taste feeling after having to settle for the spicy hot and curry food of cafe or whatsoever. But simply because I don't have to waste my time cracking up my head on what should I eat tonight.? And tomorrow night, and tomorrow and tomorrow.

I once stop catering for a week and it's worst than what I expected, it was almost unbearable. I would rather not eat if my tummy wasn't growling like mad of hunger. And the repetitive question is really sickening, ,
"Eat what arr tonight.? So sien lar"
It's a rather minute everyday thing, but to think of it, it's frustrating when the time comes and you're a drifting hungry ghost and yet you haven't the slightest idea on what to feed on. Perhaps you thought if you're starving to the stakes of almost collapsing then you can settle on anything edible that comes first to your sight. But when it comes to here, no. Sometimes the sight of those dishes can be repulsive instead.

And this week, I ran out of my usual stocked food, no more cookies nor biscuits nor wafers, no more junk food, no nothing but only instant noodles. I hate to think that I have to survive with my MAMEE noodles only with those highly monosodium glutamate concentrated soup base that's so dehydrating throughout this hectic mid sem exam week.

I guess that why its so obvious why my greedy appetite is screaming for my RM2.50 economy rice.

*SIGH*

What hurts the most

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Cold

I'm shivering again in this unpredictable sudden cold weather. With my brand new tanned legs and hands icey cold, unable to even feel my own skin's temperature. Whether it's too warm, or simply slightly cooler than usual. The extra urge to hide inside my warm cozy blanket that reminds me of my dear 80 year old granny, keeping me safe in this foreign place where I'm all alone with no family members here to hear my daily rants. No one for me to seek comfort and refuge, standing alone surrounded by strangers with big bulgy eyes staring at you from behind a hidden corner. Out of the blue, comes the icey water from our loyal shower head, cleansing and sending shivers throughout my nude body full with goosebumps. A sudden alert to my sleepy mind, WAKE UP it says. And I did, and here's yet another cold shower.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Icey bath

When you've been taking cold showers for the past two months, the feeling of hot water come rushing down splashing through your body gives a very <insert the precise descriptive word here>. I do not know how to describe it but it feels unexceptionally well and when I got back to hostel today, having the usual cold shivering shower again when it's raining like mad outside, it feels totally indifferent. And that simply makes me crave for some splendid enjoyable shower even more. But I guess cold bath ain't that bad especially the weather outside is boiling like mad in our constant changing climate of hot and wet. And has anyone heard about cold showers makes you stronger.?

By the way, my laptop's keyboard is failing me terribly!!!

-.-Zzzzzz

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Excuse me

Forgive me I've been lack of post and with obvious grammar or vocabulary mistakes for these recent two posts are written in a computer lab with numerous computers than none can access to real blogs for reading purposes. Guess that's why I'm still able to create a new one, post it, but not read it from my own blog. What an efficient system!!

I'm currently staying in a friend's place, actually have been staying here since Monday and will be only going back to campus this Friday which is tomorrow and this week has been full with fun, fun, fun and fun. And I completely forgotten abandoned the fact that I'm SUPPOSED to study for my mid sem exam which is like next week.?

And I'm still blogging here, talking about effective schedule planning!!

One more thing, we Sabahans speak Hakka as a major Chinese dialect which peninsular people hardly speaks. Imagine what it feels when suddenly in a night market, I realize there's quite an amount of people who speaks my native tongue! And all of a sudden it feels pretty good, rather warming and homey feeling that there are people of my own. I guess I was just simply a little too excited to HEAR some local KL people speaking Hakka, just that it's not always you hear them. And you don't have to be judged straight away that you're a forest freak from Sabah because you speak hakka.

Till then!!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Field trip 2

Using a freaking computer from a private college's computer lab and their system denied blogger!! Arghhh.....But amazingly I can still create a new post, just couldn't view it after posting. The odds and the ends. -.-!!

I got back from the trip at 11pm on Sunday night and it actually took us a long 9 hours coach ride! When the actual ride would take about 6 to 7 hours only!! We stopped like gazillions time for meals, loo break and of course not forgetting the five sacred daily prayers.

We departed from our Faculty at about 10 something on friday night, only arriving around 7 am the next day. Reason.? Of course, the usual stops of here and there. Ha, its pretty good for us, we get loo breaks, meals break, but all from those rest station that sometimes can be pretty good considering they have McD or just two lousy stalls with dishes that's rich with flies and gnats flying all around, telling us dear consumer, DON'T EAT ME.

But we did.

On our way back, our bus, should I say, the Chinese bus, has the diarrhea worm infecting about 10 person. Everything started at the Genting rest station. Swarming into McD's loo, lining up, exploding it with our gracious output. Okay, I'm not being disgusting just creative. HA!

We stopped in another extremely near rest station, Gombak, for another loo break since some of us really couldn't stand in anymore. And, that's including me. Ha! Yeah, I was on the list. And I even broke the record by getting into the men's room!!

I will never ever forget the expression of a smart looking Chinese guy when he saw me walking out of the men's cubicle!! Well, you see. We're kinda desperate to relieve ourselves, you know, tummy growling and screaming and stuff and the lady's are as usual full, and with so many of us lining up desperately, it's almost unbearable to wait any longer. And its a rest station, there's bound to be more users than other usual loo! And hence, our dear gentleman coursemates, leads us to the men's room and we helped ourselves into those cubicles. Seriously.

Anyway, this field work is pretty much fun and boring at the same time. Even though they were no dirty forest work, just some water fun. First thing there was we went to the island across for snorkeling, washing our virgin eyes with the sight of coral reefs. With some anemones sucking up and down beneath the water, and pointy sea urchin scaring us whether we should land our wet duck feets or not. But they are some minority of us that wasn't so virgin with water, and move further and Awwwww, the sight is just simply rewarding to us. But well, I still miss Pulau Sipadan so damn much!

Next thing we did was get back to our guest house, well, this time its called a guest house, not a resort but it has better facilities and of course everything is just much better than the previous resort except the lousy food. We showered ourselves with air-conditioned room, slept like mad, watch TV and also they have a much complete bathroom to our excite!

Next stop was the state's capital famous traditional market. With all sorts of local products which I did not purchase for I don't really fancy those food. And not forgetting all sorts of souvenirs available.

At night, the trip to some sort of beach was cancelled, and the next activity would be next morning, visiting turtle centre and stuff. Enjoying ourselves with three types of turtles from the size of a tiny baby turtle like a greenish moving little thing with 4 legs swimming already. There was also an enormous one, which accordingly is about 50 years old and of course, turtle stinks.

And that's it. The entire official field work. Well did have our fun when all the Chinese gather up in a small room, feasting on durian that I strictly do no eat and just watched them and laugh along, accompanied by an ancient Stephen Chow comedy.

But, it's rather tiring, traveling all the way across some states border for 3 activities but I guess we sure did have our bits of fun.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Leaving for field work number 2 to Terengganu in an hour time, 8 hours drive in the bus to be dread and will be back on Sunday night. Till then.