Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Kuching

Leaving to Kuching in a few hours. Will be there for a week. Update when I'm back. Ta!

Monday, November 27, 2006

I'm home and bored.

It surprises me that what a short time time could do to someone. If I was accustomed to the truth, it shouldn't have surprised me at all. It was something within me, something that I've thought before. Perhaps the then me was too stubborn to have yet acknowledge its rather unwelcome existence.?

You can wake up in the morning, hating someone you wish to kill and chop them into pieces and then feed them to stray dogs. But then when night fall, you love that person so much you secretly wish you're glued to them forever, silently praying that they love you as mush as you do. (I guess the same applies to loving someone till death now and hating them enough to kill them tomorrow)

But you never know whether its one sided and you're just the fool who's over sensitive and think a little too much. Or simply you're hallucinating.?

You asked yourself, whats wrong with me.? Or with them.? How could you change so fast.? Did you misjudge them at the beginning.? And now that you finally know them, you realise they're not so bad after all? Or perhaps, you've learn to love those whom you hate. Okay, learn to reduce your hatred to those you dislike.

Or simply you're the one who's acting odd by changing so fast and that particular person did not change after all.? You alter yourself into the circle and started to like them without realising that you're obviously changing into a different person.?

Which one are you.? Or which one am I.?


I wish I knew.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Too much

Sometimes you find yourself staring at the mirror, looking at your own confused reflection and here comes the regular question. Am I thinking too much.?

Why do we always find ourselves stranded in a state full of excessive unnecessary thoughts.? Are we simply just doing some thinking without realising that it's too much.? Or like most people are, we're perfectly aware of what we're doing isn't any help at all but you just can't help it.? I mean, it's not like we shouldn't waste our time in thinking things, but just don't over do it. If only we could.

But I guess the roots lies where we have no control of what our brain decide to think. Come again, I think that's wrong. We have absolutely the rights and ability to control what we want to think and what we do not want to.

Just that how strong is our will power.? How strong are you to control what you're thinking and what you're not.? How tough can you get before you allow your mind to wander around.?

Thinking about something is completely different with thinking too much about something. But then again, when one is disturbed with a particular something, one is bound to think more about it. It's just a natural human response to whatever that's of our concern.

I guess it's another different story when you're thinking too much not because you're disturbed, but because you're too bloody free and just sitting there whole day waiting to poo. Hmmmmm....

I wonder is it the same when the situation involves more than one party and only one side is concerned or felt the issue and started the marathon thinking, does the problem lies within the thinker.? Or simply the thinker once again, did it again by thinking too much.?




I hate it when there's no absolute answers to certain inevitable questions. Then again, nothing is perfect and some questions are not meant to be answered. Then why do such questions exists.?

Good question.

Friday, November 24, 2006

I'm home!!!

I sat here alone by the window, in a bumpy aircraft, gazing at water droplets gliding over the glass screen, passing by my eyes. The giant bird, taking off into the sky, enlightens the lonely me with the sight's of it's gigantic metal wing.

Flying through those fluffy whitish cotton cloud proves to be a rather shaky ride than the usual calm one. For the sky is crying, raindrops keep falling on my head. Even though I'm under a shelter and untouched. No, is I can't be touched. But yet, a sudden sense of comfort flows through my supposedly warm yet freezing blood, I'm heading home.

Perhaps there seem to be nothing special about going back or even missing home when you're far away from home. I guess, its not about the house or anything, it's the homey feeling. Not the fact that again, I'll locked myself within this small space facing white colour painted walls, a place I call my room. My safe womb outside mom's womb.

Flying across the South China Sea, with a sea of blue beneath me, slowly replaced by the pearly white cloud where we're buried temporarily but rather constantly. And not forgetting the bluish sky, that's slowly getting dark as minutes slowly ticked.

I actually realised I missed gazing up at the sky, slowly turning dark even before the clock strikes seven. It's rather odd, yet it felt nice. The panoramic view outside blended with the amazing colours of a beautiful horizon, a mixture of blue, white, orange, yellow and who knows what other colours.? Sun set after all is a beauty beyond any words.

With long freaky looking lightning bolts zooming down to earth as the bird gets nearer, instead of the usual melancholy message of dark weather, the only thing I could hear from my inner voice was, I'm home. I'm finally home.

And again, I manage to find myself enjoying travelling alone. It's a great reflection where everything around you turns into a story from your disclosed observation and interpretation. You see things differently, a rather new angle or perhaps a certain perspective that you seldom come across with.

I wonder how much have I've change or perhaps, grown this time.? After spending some time living alone in a complete foreign place.? I guess I have to read five month's worth of my own writings to find out.

Cheers

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Feelings

You pass by a playground and you saw kids falling off their bikes and still laughing hysterically with their little friends. It seems silly to you, seems heart wrenching to dear mother watching their kids getting hurt, but to them, its fun. Simple, yet you're yearning for it.

You look at those little monsters laughing heartily, without a slight sense of worry or pressure and you started to think, are there really that happy? Don't they have anything to think about.? (Yeah, how to pull some ingenious stunt to piss mom off.)

What about grown ups who always seems to be on top of the world every single day.? Its like in their dictionary, there's no such words as sad, tense or even problems.

Are those people of living joy has no negative traits at all in their blood.? Or simply they're so good in acting.? Or perhaps, they're just human who plays well in the expressing game.?

If only feelings can be expressed easily over drawing little smiley faces. Would life be so much easier then.? Expressing is never an easy job. Not to mention expressing it the right way, or the wrong way.

Is expressing what you felt the same as telling the truth.? Being honest about what you're feeling and thinking, and the direction both are heading, in revealing them out. Telling the truth, expressing your feeling, has these two little things always been on par?

There are times when your expression went rightly but the results went wrongly. You thought you've managed to expressed what you truly felt, but not knowingly at the same time, you indirectly hurt someone with your true feelings.

Are we wrong then in being honest.? Even in expressing what you felt, you have to be careful in order not to do it the wrong way that can meant something else to others. Is it necessary then.? Your feelings not only affects you, but also those around you.

If we're always too busy looking out for how others might felt because of what you felt, are we gonna have time to look after our own feelings then.? I'm not saying we should be the cold blooded bastard and don't give a shit but anyone at all, but what's the limit to it.? After all, can you always afford to put others before yourself first.? And isn't that a fool.? Or simply Mr. Nice Guy.?

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Where are you.?

They asked me where am I when I was standing right in front of them. Where has the confident me gone to.?

Arrogance and ego comes at a price. People either loves you or hates you.

Bitch.? Yes, whether it's the aura or simply the huge confidence that I wore proudly in my skin, I love it. And that is what that won myself, me. But it's starting to fade. The vision is getting paler as time goes by and it's eating me alive. I'm in desperate need to seek it back, because I need it. Terribly.


Miss Kelly, where did you go.?

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

I couldn't think of a title.

It sucks, but I'm used to it. Growing to be immune of my surrounding where people started to leave one by one, carrying their heavy loaded bags with a big groan stick to their face, I'm going home!!

Just perfect, just what I need every time I'm battling here with the horrendous exam, passing rooms with packed luggage ready to run once the bell rung.

Not like me, someone who hasn't gone home since I got my ass landed in this shabby old room that I've grown to like.

Not like me, being one out of two courses in first years that had papers all the way through the third exam week that I've no choice but accept.

You listen to people around you complaining that they wanted so much to go home, despite having gone home two bloody weeks ago. You listen to their annoying rants of exam that ends late and how unlucky they are.

People who say they really can't stand the emotional challenge of looking at others going home one by one, earlier than they are, the happy spirit with no exam pressure but only the pleasure of eating home cooked meal and the security of your long awaiting bed. And fuzzy little teddy bear.

Longing for that am I.? I knew this day would come the day I fill in my application with some universities away from home. But I still chose this route.

The nature of the rebellious running in my blood that itches me to leave home and learn to be independent, or simply to be far away from the stressful eyes of dear old parents.?

Yet, I do miss home. Not only those house luxuries of unlimited and unbarred Internet, the good old TV with Astro that's tempting me with CSI, the comfort of my creaky bed, the familiarity of my room, not to mention the food that awaits me back home. Even the idea of having a fridge and hot water shower sends little smiles to my long face.

I would leave my family out of these scribbles. It is not something that can be described with bold words alone, nor a picture, but the feeling it paints inside my little heart. Yes, I do have feelings and emotion. In fact, I have a lot of them. Expressing them in words is different from showing funny or sulky faces.

There are certain things that a writer can't put him or herself to write. Leave alone me, a wistful blogger. Whether it's a self deceiving act or simply an act of modesty towards what I truly felt, I dare not care too much.

I no longer ask why, I've learn I need no to. Yet.



Hmmmm, the rainy weather, exam traumas, homesick feeling and a warmer brain with fever does contribute do the melancholy me that had emerged. Again.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Thunder

The thunder roars over the heavenly sky, shaking dear old planet earth in a wistful way, at least to me it is. It shook the inhabitants, scaring us into hiding beneath our familiar warm cozy blanket that silently provides us with secure. The great thunder sounds that resembles a giant explosive that's just been released and a quake happened. One with only great volume that lingers long enough in our ear muffs that's as though screaming in front of our face, that our mature nature is exploding. It's rather disturbing, unnerving, in this place that's far away, in the middle of no where, less populated, even empty, in certain area. Yet, who are we to go against nature.? Silence in the air blended with strikes of lightning painting the grayish atmosphere indeed do send a sense of loneliness, creepiness and even fear, into those of us who's dwelling in a sea of uncertainties. Freaky as it is, the feeling of a suspicious looking stranger with no face, only the rhythmic footsteps, slowly crawling into our lup dup lup dup, pumping little cardiac muscular organ, dear heart.




It's been raining cats and dogs everyday, creepy thunder that send chills to our bodies, and it just contributes more to the blueish me, after all, it's the tense period of finals. Life, is such a life.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Milkshit

Guy : I've always wondered how lactose intolerant girls can produce milk.

Me : You can produce shit doesn't mean you can eat them.

Guy : HAHA. Nice analogy, you can produce shit doesn't mean you can eat them. You should post it in you blog


And I did. =)


Is it the same with what you can do doesn't mean its liable to you.?

By the way, people can't digest milk is because because they don't have lactase and girls produce milk because progesterone stimulates the production of prolactin during child labor that triggers milk gland to produce milk. =)) See, I'm bio student arr!!!

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Oh my dear neighbours.

Another long post of rants, spare me, it's the exam week. FINALS!


You see, when your brain is slightly too packed at a certain short period, your mind tend to do little tricks to you. A lot. And eventually every little things around you seems to be getting on your nerves. Everything is just too damn annoying to be ignored.

But then, one thing I've always always tolerated and clearly tested my patience to a great extent and still is, is the brilliance of my neighbours. Okay, call them level mates, block mates, com mates (College mates means you're in the same hostel) or whatsoever, I somehow wonder how do actually behave at home and how can they claimed to a civilised undergraduate student.

Okay, each level has two washroom, each at the end of each wing. And on my side, there's a few extremely intelligent ladies who smuggled in rice cooker and no, I'm in no way interested in whatever dishes they cook. But the most annoying unbearable thing is, instead of using the room that has 3 large sinks for washing purposes which is about two feet away from the washroom, they love the washroom tiny sink which is for brushing your yellow gooish teeth and washing your oily face. Not wash your greasy plates and bowls and flood the sink with extremely disgusting left overs of what ever you ate. Plus those insects that's attracted to these sort of stinking odor are all flying and crawling around the sink simply makes its completely repulsive. And of course, any sane human won't choose to use it and maybe there are smart asses that can stand the stench and torturing eye sight, like those who created them.

Another genius stunt by them is by messing up the sink right after the cleaning lady clean the bathroom. You see, when you walked into a clean bathroom, it feel so much better than a dirty one with oil stain in sinks and bits of food cloaked. And these smart ladies just LOVE to pollute them with their cooking stunts.

Not to mention their loo stunts and don't get me started with that!

Another thing about these ladies where I couldn't recognize them after they wrapped their head as always if they have to go somewhere, they love to clean their room. As in sweep their room all the time and their silly mind doesn't register that they should throw those dust and whatsoever stuff they swept into the dumpster, not the corridor way.

Yes, they just love to sweep sweep sweep everything out of their room and that's it! Which is pratically outside right next to their door, there's always a little poodle of dust and hairs (YUCK) and if you're unlucky or happens to be day dreaming, you might just step on it.

Imagine the cleaning lady rage! And no, the cleaning lady has nothing to do with me for I just don't believe that just because they're job is to clean the place doesn't mean you can dirty it all the time. They don't work 24 hours, not like you littering whole day long and expect everyone to follow behind your filthy little actions and clean up after you.

I've even witnessed the little lady who lived right next to me opening her door and straight away throw out water from her bottle right there! Hello, it's a flat cement floor with no holes for your water to flow away, not to mention your little dust cake.?

I was a little surprised by her act at first, but I soon found out that for them to discard anything outside their room is considered OKAY regardless where they throw it.

And the odd thing is that their room always looked so clean and neat when their cleaning stunts involve throwing stuff right outside the door, the corridor who I unfortunately have to always walk by being furthest away. And also they're brilliant loo stunts to dirty up the place that all of us have to use including them. DAMN..


Rantings done, study next. Great, just perfect!

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

And I Hate You So

Do you hate me.? I don't know. Do I want to know.? I don't mind to, but I don't care too. Tell me if you want, if you don't, fine.

If you do hate me, why then.? Should I ask you why, or should I ask myself why.? Does it matter so much then.? Hate or not hate.? Depends on who the bloody person is.?

Should I care or not care.? Can I afford to not care.? But if I care too much, would you hate me more.?

Should I be a hypocrite and continue respecting you then.? For the sake of unpredictable future purposes? Am I still truthful then? Is it right or wrong to do so.? I felt like a freaking user but what have I done to make you hate me so much.?

I look in the mirror, the image that's painted in front of me, self reflection. I try not to burden you, I try not to probe you, but it doesn't help that you didn't respond me at all.

I need a fucking answer and I understand perfectly well what your bloody ignorant signals meant. But regardless, I NEED to know. I don't wish to keep tagging or approaching you and sounds like your mom but please, certain questions do require at least an answer and why can't you just fucking say yes or no for a simple word or two is not gonna kill you.

Just because it's not important and sounds like whole load of nonsense to you doesn't mean the same thing apply to me. I am not that thick and ignorant enough to waste my time by asking you if it wasn't something that requires a feedback.

If you haven't the intention to attend me at all then don't fucking come looking for it in the beginning. I, like other people, understand what you're trying to do. Why show us the green light when you act like a bloody reddish light that just STOP once you're shiny greenish annoying litlle bulb magnificently did worked.?



A rather ungraceful post created due to exam traumas for blogs are meant to be therapeutic sometimes.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Exam

Today marks the beginning of my first final exam in my campus life. And it occurs to me that I'm surrounded with people with chameleon traits. With people that's full of fun I used to hang out with taking a massive 360 degree turn with stress engraved in their forehead, a huge label with tense written on it hanging invisibly in front of them, losing their appetites and I, as the pedestrians of their life felt guilty beside them.

Its not that I'm well prepared or what, in fact I think they're much more better prepared than i am, but the thing is, I'm not as panic stricken as they are. And it puts me in rather dark place with a slight hint of light. Is it because I don't care that much for my studies or simply I mastered better stress management.?

Don't get me wrong, I love myself very much and that's why studies is crucially important for me. Whether I study or not is another different story. And I do worry for my studies, but not to the extent of losing appetite (maybe because I love food too bloody much to ignore them) or started drifting like a lifeless soul.

No, I am not point picking them are laughing at them for being such a fool. In fact, looking at them is like reflecting myself maybe I should work harder, but somehow I can't help myself from pitying them for being so stress out and the sad picture here is that they do know all these self warring system isn't doing any help but further worsen themselves prior to exam.

Maybe I should indeed work harder, I do get stressed but somehow the laziness is stronger and covered up those tense feeling. And every single person has different ways of handling what they encountered or are bound to be so.

None of us is entitled to judge or what soever, but it pains when someone close or someone you care is wearing themselves out by doing something on their own conscience that's not beneficiary and further negates them.

Its sad, yet it simply inevitable.

We can't play god, we-shouldn't-be-a-busy-body-friend-can-you-please-leave-me-alone, we can just go on living. After all, this is non of my business.? Can we still call ourselves a truthful genuine friend then.?

I guess, I'll just be who I am.

( 7 more bloody papers to go)

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Are you disappointed?

Sometimes, you woke up the middle of the night and suddenly it strikes you that, what have you done.? Self reflecting moment that happens in a least expected blue second that just decided to pops out of no where and say hello to the blank blurry face of yours.

How many times do we come across something that happens out of our way.? Not what we expect, or perhaps just something that had got a little off the line we've drawn earlier.

When disappointment visits us once a while, I wonder if there's people who analyze how they deal with it every time.? Do we just sulk, try and get over it and that's the end of it.? Or sat down and reflect what have gone wrong this time.?

There are also people who hardly agrees with failures and any disappointing moments. But then, none of us on this sphere is blessed or honored with super powers of immunity from coming face to face with such scene. After all, we are no God and no one is perfect

It only differs in how every individual comes to deal with these unwelcome yet inevitable traumas that happens once a while. It could be taken as a lesson if you allowed it to be, a form of motivation and guide to not repeat the same mistake again or simply a sign to show you how far you've gone and just a little bit more of improvement will bring you to the place you've always wanted to be.

Or perhaps, you chose the darker path, and take it as a black sign to wake you and start viewing reality for real. Another discouraging factor that contributes to your white flag.?

Sometimes, disappointment puts us in a dilemma. Should we not be shattered by it and continue striving for what we believe is best for us.? Or should would really try to accept the message it conveys, that its time to take another turn for this path clearly isn't what we're meant for.?

Are you really what you think you are.?