Friday, December 28, 2007


I got my first exposure to freezing weather and temperature of below zero a couple of days ago but disregard the fact that I was wearing 4 tops, 2 bottoms and 2 pairs of socks plus the scarf, hat, gloves and looking like an oversize wrapped dumpling, I still manage to have a hell of a time. I must say I enjoy the cold in a weird way and love the visible foggy breath that I exhaled right in front of me.

Though as cold as it might be, I do not enjoy the dryness of the air for the humidity is so low that I had to put on lip balm every alternate hour. Not to mention my cracking lips and nose with skin peeling off by themselves. This is what they call, dry cold, not wet cold. If it's wet, it would snow.

Yes, was slightly disappointed as it didn't snow throughout the entire week there. At least not enough to be actually called snowing, first morning there, we were welcomed with some white sandy stuff on the ground, as it snowed a little while we were sleeping. But still, no white Christmas.

Another extraordinary thing about the cold weather was that you can stare directly at the sun, or just watch it like its the moon. In fact, I didn't even realise it was the sun because it is unusual for it to behave like that, to be so visible and friendly to the naked eye. If it wasn't for the missing rabbit shape on the moon, I couldn't have tell the difference between the sun and the moon in broad day light. With morning that is slightly colder, the sun is visible without its mighty glare for it only gets warmer around mid day and looking at it directly feels perfectly fine. In fact, it is rather interesting.

When I first got there, I was quite taken aback by the cold that my fingers were numb to the extent that it felt like frozen sausage even under my thick woolly gloves. It is difficult to keep them flexible but important or else they would turn purple, then black. But of course it got better after you get used to it. Not to mention we venture into the city a couple of days later after being in the country.

Also had to get used to numb face, cold cheeks and the soothing hot soup and not to mention the extra calories one had to divulge in order to deal with the weather. Okay, so perhaps its just another reason for me to put on extra weight but still, its a good one isn't it.?

We were told that temperature from -2 to 2 degree Celsius is considered a normal winter day. In fact it is hardly unusual for them. Because we were lucky that there wasn't any strong wind, just some light breeze or else we would have experienced an actual winter iced day.

And I love eating ice-cream there for it never melts and trust me, it doesn't even matter even if its cold.


Monday, December 17, 2007


There was this article the other day about 16 words stories that won a literature trip prize. It's interesting in how short these stories are leaving ample amount of space for imagination.

I think its the non existent of words confirmation for the rest of the story that makes it extraordinary. The ambiguity of what might happen and to what extent one could stretch the story to. The freedom to spin it the way you desire, unlimited without any restriction, the furthest you can ever reach.

Some would say it causes the story to hang half way, incomplete. But I guess this is what makes it different, for it doesn't require the author to finish writing the story in order to tell one. With the limited amount of story told, it allows the reader to broaden its mind to complete or in most case, continue the story to a number of different version each reader preferred.

It's a win-win situation for both writer and reader. The anxiety of what might follow to the rest of those short few words carries uncertainty that deepens our curiosity so much. And most importantly, at the end of the night you are given the option to feed that little cat according to your preference without actually killing it.

Safe feeding.

Which then it occurs to me that, perhaps I should start posting stories of short short words. Make it seven. I know its weird but when I was kid, Seven is always my favourite digit number. And at that age, I didn't knew how special this number was.

I didn't like it because there are seven days in a week, or because there's seven colours in the rainbow or like what the bible tells me, God rested on the seventh day after creating earth. Nor because of seven is considered as the luckiest number.

To me, seven is simply the only digit from one to nine with two syllabus, and that's what attracted me to favour it above the rest. And I guess its time to be posting some seven words stories.


Friday, December 14, 2007

Fark's sake

Most people agree that ranting is a healthy way of releasing yourself from frustration but on the expense of the listener. But what if there's no listener.?

It isn't half bad. Unless of course you're talking to yourself, its therapeutic and no harm done and you get better. Why not?

But sometimes, you don't. Things get worse and you felt like the world is tumbling down and why the fuck that you're so unfortunate to get stuck in such an abominable state.

Like hell care.

And I need to rant.


Monday, December 03, 2007

Skip this post

If you're not prepared to see the evil side of me, do as the title says to avoid a nasty reading as this is a rather vulgar post. Yes, I'm not a saint and do own a feisty temper and I chose to unleash it here in the form of speech rather than actual action to anything else with a beating heart and the ability to have emotions and feel pain.

Why the hell does people choose to have their ultimate phone chat inside a toilet stall of a public restroom.? Especially if there's gazillion of people waiting outside with their bladder about to explode or when a kid decided to pee on the floor instead? And why didn't the little darling with her curly pig tails discharge right outside the door of the fucking lady who love the smell of stool so much that she rather share her phone conversation with everyone else in a stinking lavatory full of people with wrinkled up nose instead of coming out after her umpteenth time of flushing the toilet.? I say she's lucky because the kid's mom still have some manners, instead of the bitch who love herself so much that she doesn't want to share her cubicle with anyone else and rather lock herself inside while disregard the fact she might be suffocating after she finally left it. Pity, but sorry I just don't have extra capacity in my heart to sympathize a world class idiot.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Look around

You know when your mind is too pre-occupied with getting something done you tend to forget other important stuff that's also happening at the same time.? Especially if you're worried that whatever you're doing will be discovered, in other words, something that you shouldn't be doing.

One second, you felt completely relieved that you got one part completed, a minute later, you realised that you've forgotten something else less important and you end up in a slightly nasty uncomfortable state. But hey, no complaints there. The bigger part is already passed, just swallow the small one, at least, you won't choke.

Nothing is perfect, you tell yourself. If only you could be more careful or cautious then you would be aware of what's actually happening next door. You were too busy handling the bigger part across the road that you simply ignored the little one standing right next to you. Just brilliant.

The other day, I was too busy making up something (It's different from lying you know.?) that I end up squeezed between two middle age men on my flight back. I couldn't believe that I was distracted to the extent that I forgot for the first time ever to request for a window seat. And that is how I was rewarded with a bonus two and half hour between a man who tries so hard to sleep and not snore while the other one keep trying to read whatever I was reading while listening to his Ipod.

Most of the time, you laugh at yourself. You were indeed being silly which is what created the little havoc in the end, but still its better than getting into a bigger mess don't you think.?

A way to convince yourself that you might lost 50 bucks but at least your 100 bucks is still safe in your pocket.

Plus minus everything, you still have a profit and there wasn't anything to lose, at least not that much to lose.

If only we could practice that all the time in our life, sadly most of us aren't just that generous to begin with. Not to mention, even if I do have a big heart, I'm just not sure if it's big enough to embrace everything, even if it's against my wishes.

Not being selfish, just realistic.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Post Mortem

I find it very interesting and troublesome that most of the science students these days in our beloved country, is torn between our native tongue, and the commonly used language in communicating with the rest in the world of science, English.

You see, be it that even though there is some educational decree already being implemented to the system that all science subjects should and will be teach in English, its quite illuminating when you find out the actual numbers of academician that is actually doing it. Of course I meant after you left the educational world where you’re still wearing uniform. After all, they haven’t got much of a choice if the text book is printed in a certain so called fixed language.

Now, now the story is different when you move into undergraduate level or above. We all know that reading materials majority are in our second language and supposedly should be taught that way too in lectures. Perhaps, this all has already been implemented in private institution, but what about the public ones.?

I for one do not understand why lecturers still choose to translate their materials into our native tongue and teach it in class when they’ve been told to use the first language in science, second in their blood.

I got pretty used to it in the beginning, after having to translate everything I've learn in form 4 and form 5 which is in Malay to English after entering form 6. And then I thought when it comes to uni, it will be the same. The truth is, some of my subjects are still taught in Malay. Which is a wee bit of difficult seeing that we’ve been working on language translation more than actually learning sciences. Is it somehow these comfy lecturers are so used to what they’ve been teaching all these while in their prepared ancient notes that they find it ridiculously difficult to switch everything in a short notice.? Perhaps yes, and okay we’re students, younger perhaps easier to adapt when situation changes. But then, who are the so called professionals then.?

Okay, forget that. On top of everything, what I can’t stand most, is lecturer teaching in Malay with notes in English and exam in Malay. Or teaching in English with English notes but Malay exam. Or teach in Malay with Malay notes and English exam. Or teach in Malay, notes in English, quiz in English and exam in Malay. You name the combination..

It make me felt like a walking translation dictionary, if we’re good with language than of course it doesn’t matter. The problem is most of us isn’t. If you say translating everyday word that we use in most of our daily conversation of course it’s not such a big issue. But when you’re wrecking your brain in the meaning of scientific terms itself , changing it into another language is no easy task.

Not to mention exactly how many subjects required that. For me, reading Malay notes and writing them in English is okay. But reading English notes and writing them in Malay is in fact quite problematic. I can’t even do a decent Malay presentation in front of class because I can’t figure out whats the Malay word for this and that. Shoot me.

Some reckon its good for our language capability, extra flexible but still, I find it an extra burden to deal with besides swallowing the text books and squashing piles of notes into my already concentrated brain full of rubbish in such a short period. As if we've got nothing to do with our spare time.


Friday, November 16, 2007


This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about it because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realize Everybody would not do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Found this in one of my 4 inches thick textbook, rather witty in a sort of realistic way. Pardon me for the absence, still in the middle of a battle that can never be won, at least I won't die in disgrace. Ha!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Saturday, October 20, 2007


That's what she said in an undertone.

It sound so easy yet it's so difficult for me to accept its simplicity. How ironic.

A short little phrase that can be heard always, yet the meaning that it carried is so much deeper than that.

I was told, it doesn't matter how you became, what people say and what it might seems to those. More over, why bother for something that's said by people who you don't even care.?

There's just no logical explanation behind it.

But yet, we humans are always subjected to what people say and think about us. It matters so much that it even affects our sanity .

Yet, why do we still waste time that we don't have enough, in worrying things that don't have to be worried such as unnecessary comments that we despised made by people we don't like?

What's the whole bloody point.?

Why bother if I'm actually happy?

But the truth is, am I really happy then.?

How can I be save when I myself don't even know what the hell is wrong.?

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Spare me

I never like horror movies.

Yes, call me a coward or chicken. I just don't see the sense of paying to get yourself freaked out. Or get yourself disgusted with ugly scenes. It's idiotic. At least for me.

I might be slightly timid in watching horror shows by blocking the monitor with my hand but still, I rather chose not to watch them.

Even though it's ironic to the fact that I have completely no problem watching scenes with corpses being dissected or mummified or just plain disgusting.

I have no problem watching surgery's on the telly or pieces of a human body being blown up but yes, I can't watch horror scenes with the spiritual stories invented to scare the hell out of me.

Yes, eventually for the first time of my life, I walk out from a cinema after only watching for 20 minutes. Yes, I was freaked, I'm a coward but hey, even though I already paid for it, I'm still not gonna let it spoil my good night sleep just because some goofy movie makers trying to fill their pockets by hoping more guys will bring girls to watch horror shows while one tried to be brave and the other tried to be scared.

No, ain't not falling into that trap!

And what's happening to this world? A 12 year old practically added me into his list and ask why am I still playing msn.? Am I getting old or its just the kids catching up with us too soon? =/

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Man's best friend

When I moved to Tawau during my second year in kindergarten, both my next door neighbour were very welcoming and nice to us. It's a big change for me since I was only turning 6 and not having any neighbours before, suddenly I have two new playmates.

You see, before that, I stayed in Labuan since I was 3, and our house its just a building alone in a land in the middle of no where and there's no neighbours but cars that passed by day and night. Not that there were many of them, it's such a quiet and peaceful little city.

I remember not long after we move in, next door got themselves a new puppy. It was an adorable one, with pretty brownish fur and a pointy mouth. And distinctively, a mole just right on the top corner of its mouth.

Or what we Chinese call, the flirty mole.

She loves to bark at me, because I was afraid of her. And I as grew up, I got used to it. The countless of time I went next door and she would just lie there lazily on the floor blocking my path into the house. The truth is, she's trying to get inside herself but my friend just wouldn't because her dad would go ballistic if the dog walk around the house.

There was the funny moment when its time for bath. She would just stood there in such a still and stiff position you would have thought its a statue if it wasn't for the dripping furs and she suddenly became so skinny because all the furs lay flat sticking to the body now, not bouncing or flying with the wind as she runs.

I had my unfortunate one little encounter where my friend just finish showering her and she shot off, while shaking her fur dry in a very vigorous action, which left my friend and I wet.Very wet indeed.

Not to mention the series of paw tracks she left on the floor.

But what I remembered most dearly is that there was once or twice that my neighbour's whole family went for holiday and left her in the house with uncle alone. And one during the weekend, he went for a fishing trip. And dear Bambi was wailing of hunger, alone.

And we fed her. We have always feed her for fun, little snacks and stuff but not on consistent meals. I don't know what mom made for her but she ate and stare at us from the fence day and night after that. Begging for company and of course some yummy snack.

After I left Tawau, I still ask my childhood friend how is she doing. She was getting older walking very slowly and it seems like she's made of fragile bones that's about to fall into pieces with the slightest push.

It was until this year, that she left. Old as she was for a dog, 15 years as my friend's loyal companion and we still keep pictures of her. She was after all, a half pet for us.

And lately, my family been feeding a dog again. Again, our neighbour's dog who seems to wait for us every night to finish dinner and when I clean up in the kitchen, he began his usual pleas. He would stood there, behind the fence, and start crying for food. More like barking actually and he wouldn't stop until we gave him something to bite.

Apparently, my parents had been feeding him with whatever we can't finish during dinner. And it turns out Cosmos love the food so much that sometimes the way he howl for it makes us think the owner isn't feeding him at all.

He even listens to us now to keep quiet when he's making too much noise.

He stares at me washing the dishes every night and sometime I even forgot he's a freaking Doberman.

He jerks his head in a funny way that makes us laugh when we call him.

He simply reminds me of Bambi.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Still the same

When I was 12, I remember the anxiety of the first ever HUGE examination of my life that I had to sit. And I sort of went a little havoc and since our beloved country’s language was my weakest subject, I turn for my loyal Kamus Dewan for help. I actually started reading the dictionary like its a regular R.L Stine horror novel that I used to crave during that pre-teen era of mine.

I remember not even finishing A before my mom thought I was crazy and also that I couldn't even recall what exactly does the new word I just learnt actually meant even right after reading them.

I guess my obstinate mind had finally registered the fact that the dictionary could be really interesting if you know what word to look for, and providing its an enlightening word, but it is hardly attractive when you have to groom over every single word that most of time, promises regularity, normalcy and sometime you don't even know what they're crapping about. And that 's hardly appealing to any 12 year old even if its me and I'm weird.

It's hard to believe and kinda amusing that even at an age so young when my mind is still not that contaminated and still quite naive, my stubborn traits are already surfacing everywhere.

Roots are hard to change.? I'm not brought up to be a stubborn bitch that closes my mind when confronted with something I disagree with, I just became one as the days sweeps me further away with reality's ugliness and truth to be told, I didn't even realise it. Of course not until this character that earn you a reputation of being difficult or just very unique started to land me in problematic situation day by day.

Does that stop me from not being the thick minded lady I am today and who knows tomorrow? Well, it doesn't.

I just happen to be a fool who stick to her so called uniqueness or weirdness and try to stay happy while act like a smartie, even if I'm not.

But who's to judge that.? =)

Sunday, October 07, 2007


Something is wrong。

I return to my familiar old bed exhausted and without doubt will be having my precious beauty sleep but I didn't. In fact, I couldn't.

I couldn't seek the comfort I was looking for from my pillow that doesn't sink to the bottom after being compressed by my heavy head.

As I lie down, I was still having difficulties in getting some decent sleep, and when I did, I recall waking up and find myself soak in sweat.

And the air conditioner was on the whole night in a rather comfortable temperature, not too cold just right enough. And still, why did I perspire?

And my sinusitis symptom return not long after my day started.

Combination of hot and cold.?


Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Wish me luck

Things we’ve lost, will always find its way back to us, even though it might not be in the way we expect.

I find myself lost in pool of thoughts that sometimes amazes me, wandering in fantasies of my own that I’m fully aware will never happen nor even dare to even think of acting it in reality.

Envying a lot of issues that I could never do for the sake of my conscience, yet it an extremely odd way, it soothes or satisfy me because thinking alone is enough to fulfil my inner craving on certain imaginations that can't possible be taken seriously in any accounts.

Reality will still then, bring me back even though I did not ask for it. It greets me with a great big smile, telling me its okay to drift away, as long as I manage to find my way back when the time has come.

Forgive me for acting weird (I'm just being myself), but perhaps this is the only getaway one could get when faced with 6 assignments due next week with hardly any decent beauty sleep not to mention drop a few rantie words here.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

To be continued

It's been a while

Okay, I hate that line. Used it every time after not posting for quite a period. Just to update what's been happening.

The day I became eligible to vote and signing marriage papers without parents consent was spend procrastinating hoping for a long awaited phone call that never came which was oddly answered by tears that wouldn't fall.

The number of times I walked around campus chasing letters and bills to fill back my emptying account, explaining why the bloody uni's inefficient administration owing me cash and how my pocket is drilled with a hole that will be staying there for quite some month. And still is.

The lack of sleep and fun all contributed to endless pieces of assignments each due on the different weeks consecutively. Not forgetting waiting till the eleventh hour to finally complete it and in the same time, burning my ass with midnight cookies to cover up stupid subjects for mid sem papers that unsurprisingly yield results I shall not even look.

The moment spend driving alone discovering routes I never knew which oddly calm me down though was a little lonely. Realising I forgot to switch on the night lights only after I reached the loyal parking space waiting for me, same time thanking God I did not drove far nor did anything stupid.

The patience and will to actually not explode in enduring endless tension that's self manufactured by my crooked brain cells trying to free themselves, though unsuccessful. Obviously.

Self evaluation time spent alone in room, talking to myself like a psycho praying silently that my neighbours did not hear me ranting out every single word that sound like cursing someone to hell.

That's for now.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Friday, August 24, 2007

I'm not blue.

When was the last time I actually sat down, stare at my reflection from a mirror, and ask myself if I'm happy.?

When was the last time I actually self evaluate my current condition and all those wacky things around me happening at the same time.?

In fact, when was the last time I actually sat down quietly, doing nothing.?

Enjoying the moment of being an idiot without doing anything at all and actually feel good about it.?

To think of it, it wasn't that long during those hibernating days back at home.

Life is chasing me, and time is haunting me by flying over without even realising it. It's like going to bed everynight without actually knowing what I've done today. The only thing that my brain registered was I'm exhausted and I need to sleep NOW!

I couldn't even remember what was my last meal, or who I met during the day and what I said to them.

Everything is completed in a rush without stopping a second or two to think twice.

Is this good.? Or bad.?

Again, there's no exact definition for it.

I might be living in such blur state that I hardly knew what's actually happening, but then again, if I wasn't keeping myself busy, there would be nothing for me to do and I would felt like a useless person wasting time day by day.

Hmmm...the odds and the ends.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Life fucked.

Life sucks.

Who's doesn't?

It's practically a FACT that I believe most people won't even take a split second to doubt about its authenticity. Well at least not to misanthropists and of course cynics.

The truth is, you'll be surprised at how often this two little words are uttered among ourselves. It might not sound significant, I don't blame it. After all, its a rant so common that none of us are actually not used to it.

Well unless you've been living around carefree people in a really really loving environment where accidentally stepping on an ant and causing its unfortunate death is the greatest crime of all, I'll zipped my mouth.

As ugly as reality may seem to be, there's practically nothing we could do to make it more beautiful. We're only left with the option to not allow all life's nasty little tricks to threaten us as much as they propose to do.

Reduce its impact to as low as possible before we're really fucked up?

But in the end, we're still moaning on how life sucks, how life had really screwed us. What can we do but get used to it.?

For life is always full of uncertainties that most of the time turns out to be a monster trying to eat us alive. Just like the scary bed monster we fear so much when we were little, crawling out from under while we're far away in piggy's dreamland.

Is there really nothing we could do? But just learn to accept it better, how to handle it without creating such a havoc contaminating our life on a daily basic.?

With these naturally occurring suicidal factors happening at about every consecutive second, just how much can one actually be able to absorb it.?

I do not believe we have a bottomless heart that can continuously receive life's many hideous acts upon us. Nor do I believe our mind are impermeable to constant ugly scene playing over and over again.

I believe there is a limit of tolerance that sooner or later will be on the verge of breaking point that's out of our reach and its either fatal or simply too fucked up that its completely irreversible.

I only believe that the more grey hairs we have, the more flexible we became in responding life's many aspect. Whether a pretty sight, or an awful one. Old saying, you learn as you grow, you just didn't realise it. It's life's natural way of defending yourself against life's other nature fuck up way.

The choice to sit back and do nothing and let life drag you further down since no matter what you do, life still sucks and it won't stop screwing you.

Or to take the advantage and act against it. On being unable to stop life's quirky little act but not allowing it to fuck you just because it wants too.?

It's pretty simple you know. It's like how most people wants to get the best out of you without you consenting it. Of course, there's nothing you could do to make them not feel it, its normal you know, for being materialistic. Wanting to give nothing, but to have everything. But it doesn't mean you're obliged to do it, just because someone wants to.

See.? It isn't that hard to understand, just that the sad thing is its completely different from actually applying it.


Saturday, August 11, 2007


To everything there is a season,
And a time to every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pull up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, and time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose;
A time to keep; and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Be still and listen

You have to understand that you are a recipient as well as an actor in the world. Silence is a healer. In silence, it's as if your nerves get a chance to reposition themselves to attend: to pay attention, which is what a poet must do from the very beginning. You can start clean, with your sensibility refreshed, ready to receive whatever is coming-whatever messages the universe is sending. It can be just the noise of a bird. Or it can be the message the universe needs to send you about a complete change of direction. But you can't hear either till you sit still and do nothing.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Forgive me

I fucking hate public transport.
I fucking hate my hostel.
I fucking hate idiots.
I fucking hate to swear.
But I just fucking had to.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Broken Kite

I felt completely hopeless, shattered and unable to do anything to make it better. To ease the pain that pierces directly into its heart, to throw away all the sorrows that's deeply buried, to free it from the tight grasp that no one is able to even slightly loosen it. There's nothing I could do, there's nothing you can do, we can just sit while the kite soars in the sky, flying higher and higher waiting for it's time to come. And when it does, there we are, watching the sad scene, as the thread untwist itself and slowly breaks, disconnected. There goes the other half, drifting senselessly to the ground, hardly noticeable while the piece of colourful diamond shaped paper floats in the sky to a place no one knew, fate undetermined, waiting to be found, rescued.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Lonely walks

As much as I hate public transport, I loved the moments of small short walks that brings me to certain destinations, alone.

I enjoy the company of my broken umbrella, the silence that walks with me, the exposure of the surrounding environment seems to be whispering straight to my ears, words of comfort in the form of wind and sometimes, direct sunlight. The company of certain strangers that I find rather interesting, yet so far away for me to embraced.

And on top of that, my mind is free to wander to anywhere it desires. When there's not anyone with me at that moment, no current attachment that lingers to my every single movement nor words that comes out from my witty mouth. And again, the beauty of it is that my mind is set free to drift to any aspect that it favours without having to feel the sense of responsibility. Nor is there any necessity to feel guilty if suddenly, some twisted idea suddenly pops out that for sure is not getting any nods.

The bright side of a quiet sanctuary that one could only crave so much, for night falls and darkness announces itself whether we like it or not.

As much as one love to be alone, or as much as on longed for a companion, there are time when during these loneliness that you hope someone could be just there to listen or for you to blab to so the air won't be so still, so quiet, so dead.

There also the time when you feel like digging a gigantic hole and just dive in and hide from the rest of the world, to have no eyes seeking for you, no fat fingers pointing at you. And you just feel free to render in the little world of your own, undisturbed.

Somehow, it still freaks me out. Certain distance where there's just weird looking strangers that gives me the creeps. Always reminding myself to use my elbow in case some maniac decided to grab me from behind. And I actually wrote this on the way back to hostel in the bus, alone. Isn't exactly the prettiest memory one could get, especially after the beautiful record of UKM's hijacked bus, I'm not thrilled. At all.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007


What's more interesting than being addressed in front of a class of a hundred students by the ultimate drama king lecturer that you were sleeping when everyone was laughing at his jokes.?

Yes, this actually happened because I was trying so freaking hard to stay awake in a 2 hour class.? Can't blame me after a sleepless night, can't you.?

Plus, I'm starting to get sick of his dramatic way of teaching just to prevent us from dozing off which I apparently did.? Yes, perhaps my attention span is slightly shorter than certain goodie students.

Interesting to say.

It was a choice made voluntarily that one shall not regret, I presumed. You are as committed as you allow yourself to be and there's no one to be blame or anything to stop you from backing away. But as things goes further, your eyes are opened to certain unwanted uncertainties which is obviously not within your hands. Especially when you realise a lot of them are unfavourable due to unexpected internal conflicts that just never seem to ceased. Perhaps nothing is perfect plays another role here.

To go or not to go, take your pick.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Idiot vs Silly

It's funny when you started cursing like hell and pissed till the extent where invisible fireworks are actually spitting out at the top of your head and just a second later, you realised what a fool you've been.

Whatever that had gotten you into such state obviously was no longer an issue anymore. Not only that, you find yourself incredibly stupid because of a little mistake that triggered the flame within yourself.

A tiny storm in you that of course wasn't visible to anyone but you yourself. Somehow when it come to rest, you can't stop laughing, at yourself.

Those little moments that happens all the time, humoring but also silly. Something not exactly within our control, but not exactly out of control.

Perhaps being busy, crushing out all the free time is not exactly such a bad thing after all. As exhausting it may be, it keeps you occupied. Even though that means you're doomed to a resident with no bloody internet connection.

No rubbish thinking, no unnecessary mind boggling thoughts, no nonsense that the arrogant me couldn't tolerate.

Even though it doesn't make me more lovable though.


Wednesday, July 11, 2007


I got back on Sunday afternoon where I moved my stuff which is a lot, to the new hostel with the help of my uncle who pick me up from airport.

The new place is of course nonetheless extremely different from the one I stayed during my freshman year. And I can say that staying outside of campus after enjoying the luxury of a room that only require me to walk down the hill to class does make a whole lot different.

In fact, in this new resident of mine, the only factor that didn't change is perhaps the furniture provided, and of course my roomie, fortunately.

Okay, actually the place is not half bad, slightly better than what I've expected earlier but it's not that bad. You get the picture.

This time, we're not only entitled to a room with four walls, its basically a flat unit with a living room, three bedrooms and two bathroom. Well at least we no longer have to share the loo with the rest in the same level as we used to. And the place is less shabbier with walls that's actually still white, not contaminated yellowish dirty ones.

There's no canteen available, guards practically was just there to make an appearance, anyone in the building is welcome to enter and leave, no body actually cared.

It seems to me that after a few days there, certain among of people sure are enjoying it, afterall, their race or religion restrict people of different gender from going too close or mixing around too much in the public and obviously when there's no one to keep an eye on you, everyone is just free to go.

And one of the best thing there is that there's no cats nor monkeys as your neighbours. No cats that follows you to the bathroom or wail at your door begging for leftovers.

But still, on top of that, the biggest problem is transportation and that's not such a pretty picture. I don't mind having to use shuttle service back and forth to campus but when your lecture hours is so scattered to the extent where I have to stay in campus one whole day, this is really ugly.

I practically spend 8 t0 9 hours a day just attending lectures and roaming around. Packed lecture hours on certain days with an hour or two gap in between and going back to hostel takes a bout half the free time by waiting the bus and its just highly inadvisable. And I haven't a clue why my course suddenly requires so much lab work that consume a hell lot of time which makes a whole week of long hours, just like working.

And by the time I reached the hostel, its practically night time and yes I'm exhausted with blacker and droopier eyes as the clock ticks away everyday.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

I'm heading back to KL tomorrow.

And at barely 21 years old, I have high cholesterol thanks to my great genes inheritance.

No, I am not lying and lately I'm just not keen into writing. At all.

Till then.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Mom (Part 2)

Brother's friend : *Cursing some poor lady's nether region*
Mom : How can you say that when you also come out from there.?
Brother's friend : No offence auntie, but I'm from Caesarean one lah! HAHA!
Mom : Oh, so you very proud lar since you didn't crawl out from there and you can swear it out loud.?
Brother's friend : Yalar auntie!
Mom : You young people, think you very smart is it. You don't even know what is Caeserean. You think the doctor just cut your mommy's belly and take you out arr.?
Brother's friend : If not.?
Mom : Oh, so you think you spend nine months in your's mommy's tummy lar.? You didn't even know you're in her uterus and that's the place the doctor cut open.? And still pandai pandai say you're not from there!
Brother's friend : =.=

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Mom (Part 1)

Mom : Who do you think is more closely related to you, your mother or wife.?
Uncle : Of course my wife!
Mom : But your spouse has no blood relation to you at all! Just because she's your life partner doesn't mean she supersedes your mother in terms of relation!
Uncle : But I can stripped in front of my wife, but not in front of my mother.
Mom : Well you can also stripped in front of a prostitute.
Uncle : =.=

Thursday, June 21, 2007


There's more than once that I realised I'm too caught up living in my little world that I simply became unaware or chose to ignore whatever that's happening around me. Somehow deep down I believe that this isn't right.

The constant feeling of not knowing what you feel isn't exactly such a pretty thing. The invisible shield that I unknowingly build for myself seems to suddenly lit a small fire within my brain cells, was it intended to warm, or warn me.?

It is highly unusual for me to be not talking at all and it wasn't even because I was sulking or in a major mood swing. I was just being quiet. Period. In fact, I was feeling rather good and at that particular moment, keeping to myself is actually making me happy, less blue.

It seems good, no talk no trouble.

But sometimes, this would just appear to those who are close to you that you are somehow, not right. And you wonder, are they right? Or you're just growing up a little too fast in a short period? That you found peace in talking to yourself and keep quiet in front of others?

I've always enjoy being alone even when I'm home, or away from home. And perhaps I've just climbed another level where being on my own, means more than it used to be. For good.

Okay, so enough of those rather weird writing that I myself have no idea what it actually meant. Lets get to some normal human rants that will never cease. Infinite.

Hostel renovation on junior blocks apparently are preparing seniors' single rooms for them because first years are obliged to stay in hostel. Obviously, new seniors like me and others who are still staying in hostel and has yet to move out, are chucked out to another hostel.

This doesn't bother me that much but the fact that this hostel are about 15 minutes ride OUTSIDE of campus and I would have to rely on uni's shuttle service that's never punctual for 5 days a week with the most scattered lecture hours you can ever imagine. Not to mention weekends trip to KL seems more unlikely.?

On the other side, I guess it's time for me who's been so far so lucky to secure the most strategic located hostel in the entire campus now are shipped off to the least one. Time to really grasp that experience perhaps.? Or reality.?

Let's just hope they keep their word and its only a month we're shifted though we dare not get our hopes high. I assume with how effective these people are, I give it at least 2 months. And I thought I was being mean. That's when the hostel student board told us boldly that it would most probably take one whole term.

Ain't that just great.

Will be leaving tomorrow to my birth place, Sandakan for a couple of days and most importantly, celebrate dear grandpa's eightieth birthday. Till then.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

I saw you

I realised that lately its been awfully odd for me in observing how strangers seems to inspire me in a rather extremely weird way.

A look at someone you have never come upon before in your whole life suddenly just triggers another massive self reciting of what that person tells you. Perhaps its slightly ironic and completely opposite when it comes to the usual phrase of don't judge a book by its cover, but sometime looks do say something beyond the usual stuff.

A little warm gesture between siblings, a little smirk on the face of your neighbour, a little twinkle in the eye between partners, a sad little smile of a youth, an empty expression worn on a pretty lady, or simply a little dirt in the finger nails of a beggar seems to be painting out a picture right in front of your eyes.?

Does it justify anything then.?

Every person held their very own story, whether it manages to seeps through your mind by simply just looking at their eyes for the very first gaze or again, it's just another passer by in the road you're heading down.?

Life on its own is a story itself, perhaps multiple different tales in one single life. And its inevitable that there's just so much pedestrians that happens to be just walking down the same road as you but to different destination. And just how many would you be able to realise that they do help to generate certain thoughts in your mind then.? Or perhaps, just how many would you actually pay enough attention to register their mere existence in your life for a split second.?

Monday, June 11, 2007

I don't know who wrote this.

We make them cry, those who care for us.
We cry, for those who never care for us.
And we care, for those who will never cry for us.
This is the truth of life, it's strange but true,
Once you realise this, its never too late to change.

Saturday, June 09, 2007


Just when I keep reminding myself that I'm young, and still is, news of friends getting married or already pushing a baby trolley down the street suddenly come popping out right in front of my face.

With friends telling others and others that who and who is tying the knot soon and it's not because there's a little human waiting to crawl out to this world and they have to create an actual real family before that happen. But because they really can't wait to walk down the aisle and exchange vows. Not to mention, right after they blow off 21 candles and officially step into adulthood. And also married life.

As if that's not bizarre enough, suddenly you're reminded of an old friend that fathered a child when he was only 18 and doing his final year in high school. We knew accidents like that do happen and marriage was just inevitable unless of course his 16 year old girlfriend-soon-to-be-wife decided to abort the baby suddenly which is very unlikely when he's practically the master key to a thickly loaded family. When things like that happened, you thought after this little love child is born, the focus will be directed to another side as in perhaps its time to build a stronger base and support for your new found family before you take things into another level. But you see, with such story to born, I think its only natural and practically pretty equipped for this fast forward life of him to evolve in that speed lane too instead of the normal, practical and rational one. And just two days ago, I was told that this pretty boy had another kid. When, I do not know but what I do know is, he's only 22 with two kids, and a 20 year old wife and of course, a rich dad.

Then, here comes a young pretty lady pushing a baby trolley with a few months old baby inside that has the exact same eyes as her young mother. This 22 year old petite mom could just pass as a normal undergraduate student and perhaps can actually still fit into her old high school uniform. Yet, she chose another path which I believe after knowing her for years was because she was raised to believe that securing a loaded and stable husband when she's still young and gorgeous is the perfect goal of a woman's life.

Perhaps that its a normal age to start a family and its a very common thing that doesn't really raise people's eyebrows with a big O mouth wide opened when greeted with these sudden encounters.

No offence to me, I completely have no problem with these or against the idea of finding the perfect one when you just barely touch the adulthood line. I just think its absolutely unwise to do so when you're practically so damn young and its the climax time line of yours where almost nothing is impossible. I mean the world is so big and there's just so much thing for you to do and find out and the best way to do it is while you're still free and not tied down to anything.

Don't get me wrong here, having a family is not a bad thing at all and getting married doesn't necessarily mean you're barred from having a normal free life doing whatever you desire. It's just that, its another stage completed way too early and there's just so much that you haven't see yet out there. It's great to look at you're own miniature being but I think its also great to see what you can while you still can because at the end of the day, you will still have to settle down and of course its best after you've seen enough.

But then again, different people brought up different ways have different perspective and priorities in different life's. Who am I to say they made a wrong decision.? Who am I to say I'm right that I should see the world before I decide to settle down.?

It's still up to you at the end of the night, what's you think is most important and what you want to do and what you don't and of course when, where and why and most of all, will you do it when the sun sets and night falls?

Only future and you will know. =)

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

I'm not old.

It's funny when your much younger cousin starts interrogating you about your social life and why on earth aren't you seeing anyone at all. Since when does being unattached is a crime.?

Or when their curiosity gets hungrier and start probing you on why aren't you going out with the one or two friend of yours that they happened to coincidentally met while out with you.? Or why are you spending so much time at home instead of going out with this guy or that guy and start shaking my booty while flirting up with them.? A whole bunch of assumptions combine with non-stop questions follow suits after that and you can't help it but wonder are they simply growing too fast or its just me that's getting old.?

When you realise you're being asked constantly about boys and girls by someone who used to listen and obey to everything you said with no questions asked at all, it does make a whole lot different to the entire picture. They're dying to know the usual stories of how boy meets girl and how it further developed to whatever their young minds can imagine, I mean I'm not at the stage to be giving this lecture to hormones raging adolescents.

Seriously, I'm not that old, might be slightly a few years senior but it doesn't mean I'm having grey hairs all over. And I haven't reach the stage where being single is labelled as a spinster and is still freaking far away from that mind you.

It annoys me to think that people are worried and wonder why you're watching a movie with a bunch of girlfriends instead of a partner when myself is completely enjoying all these moments to bits.?

I'm only 20 you know.?

And why all of a sudden these young cousins of mine seems to be so overly interested in my personal life.? Or perhaps they're just trying to get rid of me to reduce the number of adults around them.? Which cross out another pair of eyes that watches them and of course hopefully wish there's lesser chance of being corrected from misbehaving.?


Sunday, June 03, 2007


I was only 10 but I could still remember clearly all the juicy little details of that very small challenge I took up just to prove to the two Malay boys that sat beside me. I wanted so much to show them how I could really do what I claimed I could and even the kiddo me wanted to win so much. Of course they do not believe I could, after all it doesn't seem real since I was never a cry baby in school except for that tiny little six year old weeping show.

It seems like bullshit for them, I'm surprised that I still remember their name and how they look 11 years ago. I could even recall how I impressed them by really crying for no reason just because I said I can and they say I can't.

And that what was drive me to prove it that I can get all teary without any reason at all, just like that. Of course, I won. Tears dropped, they were surprised but I wonder did they actually suspect how I did it? Or perhaps they assume I just cried because I said I would.?

Actually, I cheated.

I didn't really cry. Yes there was tears that flow and they're not fake. They were gone in a while, but they were real and did the trick where these two little friends of mine bought it completely. At least that's what I think back then, to think of it now, its rather humouring.

The fact is, I yawned. With my mouth closed. It was hideous and sneaky. And because my mouth were tightly closed, the little pulling intense or tension that's so obvious around my jaw, makes it look even more like that I was indeed crying.

It seems ironic to me now. To think that I can cry whenever I want just because I feel like it. To be able to weep when I'm sad so that I'll feel better after that. But now, it's worse than being just sad, a feeling that cannot be described by using words alone for being unable to cry even though I'm genuinely sad with tears streaming down within.

People want to be happy. They have no problem crying over their unhappiness or even when they're too happy. But I, I want to be able to cry because I'm sad not because I'm touched over a true story turned blockbuster.

I want to cry for real. Not only tears stimulating yawn, not only heart warming dramas that made me weep like hell.

Will you help me cry.?

Wednesday, May 30, 2007


I never knew the colour blue is so addictive, or perhaps its the mind who's playing trick trying to manipulate me in turning to the gloomier side instead of the bright one.? Judging from my appearance, I'm indeed rather far from being labelled as blue but rather not so approachable. Or some would say I'm pale which I find ridiculous as I'm born with a tan skin but as being told, its because of the lack of facial colour combined with dry lips that make me look sick. How convenient. Will be throwing away all these bluedom for a day and hope they won't follow me all the way to my hopefully nice harvest getaway. I certainly don't need them.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Cold face

I was an ass. Again. Why do I never failed to hurt the person I love most? It's getting even worse because I could no longer show how much I regret nor how guilty I felt. Because I realise that my emotions now had became invisible. Extremely well hidden and unable nor willing to reveal itself.

Why doesn't it affect me even when I know more people would find out the real bitchy me.? Why wasn't I afraid that eventually I will end up in deep shit and who knows the stench alone is enough to suffocate me in the early stages?

Why does these idiotic traits of mine, thoughtless cold hurtful genes only comes out when faced with the one I actually loved and cared most.? To hide the fact of what I really felt.? To appear as if I never cared and hence it seems easy for me and hard for you in the beginning to accept that I am such an ass.? But it would be easy for you afterwards to let go and hate me as much as you want because of all the damage that I've caused. And in turn, I would live with it as long as I'm still breathing, for I chose the fool's path.

And why, it always turns out to be that when with someone who I don't give a damn about, I give a damn about what I say? But when with someone I give a whole damn about even though I never show it, I don't give a damn of whatever that comes out from my foul mouth that might cause any uneventful endings?

Why do my actions pretend to care so much of people I don't love nor care but does not care for the people I really do care.? Why am I being such a hypocrite to myself.?

The awfully sharp horrid mouth of mine obviously does more harm than good. It only lands me in trouble with the one I loved most because its the only place where I could be myself all I want which is where this unworthy character goes to its top and my shamefulness and guilt follow suit silently.

Am I no longer rational, nor sensible enough to know that what should be said, and what shouldn't be.? Perhaps I never learn nor knew of when to speak and what to be shared?

The younger me would face this in tears, sobbing hard because of feeling sorry for myself for hurting someone I dearly loved. The today me, can only bury these self hatred and accumulate the guilt that builds inside, unable to stimulate my tears gland to produce any drops due to the masked reality I lived in.

For now, I can only weep, through scenes of a non-living world of any shows that may have left me feeling touched, or warmed my cold dirty blood. Ironic, how reality could no longer melt this frozen heart, but a soapy story that does not exist and serves as a entertainment tool can wet my dry eyes.

I failed, to remain unblue. Am I then, unable to feel the reality with my own skin because it has grown incompatible with its living environment that suppresses my true feelings from emerging.? I am indeed having a huge mixture of feelings that's painfully confusing and slowly torturing me as time ticks away, but all that sits on my face now, is the emotionless eyes that hides a sulking soul.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Blue nuts.

I think I'm getting much weirder even though the blue trait is slightly fading to the background. Given the fact that I'm so damn free nowadays, my brain is practically free to wander around on unnecessary thoughts or even think about something that I actually refuse to in the beginning, or in other words, what I'm avoiding. The odd thing is, I don't. In fact, I don't actually think much these days. Not that there's anything for me to think, even if there is, it doesn't take long to sort things out and hence the end of another self brain discussion. But the reason that made me realise I'm getting weirder is because I've been talking to myself a lot lately, and mind you, it's out loud. Not self monologue, in fact I'm imagining situations and speaking out as a person in that particular scene I created within my little brain cells. It's like I'm putting myself in a fictitious drama and solving the problem inside the picture that I initially painted myself, like a practice for me or something if these little scene does happen one faithful day. Which of course is kinda odd because you create a problem for yourself to then solve it back on your own by talking to yourself like a mania. But somehow, all these talking-to-myself mode doesn't actually bother me that much or should I start worrying that I'm turning into a nut cracker or an extreme day dreamer imagining myself as someone else in some place different. And I didn't just grew these weird genes out of the blue, I've been spending my day time trying to complete a 4000 pieces jigsaw puzzle that's driving me up the wall where it is also during those minutes full of patience that allows me to talk to myself over and over again without worrying of being overheard. Not that it matters. HA! And running movie marathon by night time whereby these two nights is replaced by Heroes that's sending me the spooks and thirsty for more heroic blood. And I doubt, these two doesn't help at all in getting me more weird but much less blue. Ah, the odds and the ends mixing together.


By the way, blog turns three today. Happy Birthday!

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Flightless wings.

I think I've mentioned quite a couple of times where when you're the baby of the family, you will always be.

Of course, the same applies to parents.

I remember there was once I was being the normal rebellious teenager and started shooting my mum for why is she treating me like a baby when I've already got full grown wings attached at my back, just that I haven't actually started to fly yet. I complained to myself that the more she ignores my wings, the more I can't wait to fly away. Far. Period.

And thinking back, I knew why I didn't spread out my wings and flew out that very instance or the many times I pissed my mum off so hard or when I was royally fucked a million times during those typically unreasonable mum and daughter strenuous moments.

You see, the thing is, I didn't knew how to fly yet. And even if I did try, I would just end up falling hard on the ground, crawling back to the usual comfy embrace that would never give up and always readily to mend me back.

Even though sometimes, you sense that they're slightly reluctant to do so. And all of these comes from the good intention of not wanting to see you get hurt again, or simply just to reduce the future injuries or damage you will come across when the day comes and you've flown. Selfish.? Who isn't.?

And I believe, even when they clearly knew that you can fly now, they still chose to ignored it when certain time kicks in. Even if you've already flew sky high and touched the clouds, you are still the same old kid and will always appeared as one to your same old parents.

You knew how my mum answered me calmly without yelling at me for once.? She said grandpa still talks to her the same way he did since the day she could remember how it was, the same old fatherly tone back when she was my age. =)

I guess there's just something that doesn't and will never change for good.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007


The freaking hot weather is heating my guts out. It seems like my sweats gland are working over time, even when I'm sound asleep! I woke up every day with the back of my neck soaking wet and spend the rest of the day perspiring within the same four sided walls.

Right, that's about what my hometown feels like now.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007


Few days ago when I was travelling with my parents, it struck me hard that it's been ages since I've been on a plane with dear dad. We've travelled together, but majority of them is road trip. And most of the time, we hang out on our own. As in we don't usually go everywhere together.

As for mom, I've always been to different places with her and we enjoyed each other company and even though I'm always throwing tantrums at her, hardly avoiding to not make her not pissed up. Trust me I do. But it's been a while, or perhaps never before that I, travelled alone with both my parents.

This time around, three of us spend most of the time together, and it brought me back to the time when I was alone in home with both of my parents only. When big sis and bro were still studying away from home, leaving poor baby sister struggling between two stubborn big grown ups.

Yes, no doubt where I inherited those obstinate genes?

Another thing is that, its not often that you're sharing a few days together in a small place where almost every single minute is spend together.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing, its rather inspiring and the different perspective opened are rather, indifferent. Extraordinary.

I mean, when you're at home, dad works, mom handle household stuff and you just play your role as a student, even if you're not, you go out or just hide in your little world or four walls in that tiny bedroom. Even when it's holiday, dad's not working you just either go out for a while or something.

But you don't spend the time in a same room together for many hours with practically nothing to do which obviously makes everything to seems longer? It's like it takes the needle forever to complete a full rotation and voila, an hour just passed around the clock.

It suddenly occurs to me that, this could be the last time I would be travelling alone with both my parents, no more time together in airport, no more staying in the same hotel room together, no more going every where with just the three of us.

It makes me feel old, that I'm no longer the small girl who can always prob mom with loads of questions when I'm bored, or cling to dad when someone bullied me.

But deep down, it tells me that I'm not the only one who's growing up, but my parents are no longer as young as I think they are.

I'm not saying they're old, but that it's time to be independent even though my siblings and I are pretty much able to stand on our own feets already since we're brought up that way. But to no longer need our parents to worry about us, or simply just let them loosen up a little when it comes to our well being.

But then, parents will always be parents, we kids, will always be kids to them. As for me, the baby of the family, will always appear as someone who wears a pacifier all the time.

Monday, May 14, 2007


Call me lazy, or someone who can't even keep a simple small resolution, that's me.

The line was such an ass, or either blogger's server has been jinxed and it's utterly impossible to even get through the bloody dashboard page.

Am still rotting at home, spend a weekend in Miri that opens up my inner eyes to see and feel something that I haven't been able to get in touch with for quite a while. Rather inspiring but it left me feeling odd again.

Will write longer soon about the short trip and many more, I hope.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Tuesday, May 08, 2007


What do you think of two guys who lived together in the same room for 9 months and hardly ever spoke to each other for more than 10 words.? They're not enemies, no boy fights nor any ugly scene before, they just didn't click, and never did. What about, when obviously they're not in good terms with each other, and being the fact that they don't actually talk, one had to text the other one just to tell him to lower down the speaker's volume.? And they're like in the same room and about a METRE away from each other?

Suddenly realised how much I love my roomie.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

As promised

Every time I came home, I come upon new things whether on the way back, or when I'm once again settled down in a place so familiar that even my blood can recognise it's very own scent.

These new discoveries, most of the time, draws a smile to my well hidden heart.

When things had started to head towards a favourable track, something that you never expected before to happen nor to change at all, is slowly shaping out beautifully. You gaze curiously at it and as return, you're greeted by a row of pearly white sparkling teeth as an answer to your doubt. Naturally, it erased those halos of question marks dancing above your head.

Tiny little actions that's hardly visible to those pedestrians that pass by our life's everyday. If you did not take a small break to breathe deeply before continuing, would you realised how much and how far things had changed since the day you left.? Or perhaps, since the day your rational mind had finally outgrown your instincts?

Visible alterations are not as valuable or meaningful as they may seem to be, especially to you who are currently growing within yourself. Being able to observe those tiny gestures that marks a great difference between each other are what that melts your stone cold heart and bring new hopes to you.

To really understand what's happening around you, and how they had managed to overcome each and everyone successfully while you're not here. To notice that such breakthrough whether mentally or physically they've achieved when you're away, tells you that not only you've changed, so did I.

Saturday, May 05, 2007


I told myself to not write any blue post for the entire month of May in an attempt to cure my blueness, and it reminded me that if I was cured, this blog would no longer be necessary.?

I was also reminded that life is not like the blackboard where when certain unfavourable things comes along, you can't just wipe it off or shut it away just like that, just because you don't like it and don't want it to be there. It will still, whether you like it or not, but do you ignore it as if its invisible or chose to take it as something that no longer causes your heart to flinch every millisecond it makes another red carpet appearance? Demanding for your attention to tear you apart?

I was also reminded that, unconsciously, this whole writing habit, has became a part of me. Times in our life when you felt you're stuck, unable to continue nor the light in our journey has suddenly ceased and you can no longer find where does the source of brightness comes from. Darkness creeps in, and its time to go look for another source again, to stop it or simply to re-lit the entire universe of yours. And these words provided it for me.

For the black hole will always be there, but at the end of the night, it is still up to you, to keep it that way, or add some shimmering light to it by writing more, having self induced therapy from here.?

I made a short resolution to write at least an entry a day, about anything. Just write.

Monday, April 30, 2007

In KLIA now.

Am going home in a bit. A new thought had gotten me, perhaps I should have a blog celibacy (or perhaps just stop writing blue stuff? ) for maybe perhaps a month.? Instead of completely shutting my three year old baby down. Even though it would be a rather boring episode, after all, I have two months to kill. And would try my best to enjoy the murder process.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Wikie and googie....

Remember when lecturers gave a bunch of reason why not to copy paste information from the net directly and hand it in as our masterpiece? And how they try to discouraged us from using the web as our only sole source for any assignments or research work.?

Which at the end is what we always do.?

But how could we possibly forget that? They never fail to remind us every single time we're given work to do. But of course they do encouraged you to look for information, just don't completely rely on the net because you don't know who wrote it and its authenticity is doubtful. DUH..

"You can googled it up, but it's much better and more trustworthy to go and look for it in the library. You do know we have the richest library in the region.?"

(Lecturers just never got tired of promoting where they're working don't they.? I don't know, I'm not actually sick of it, I'm more like, developing an immunity towards these praises) DUH..

It's ridiculously funny when I was trying hard to be a good student and surf the net for extra information regarding some lecture notes and at the same time oddly impressed with some bombastic vocabulary used in those slides. Coming out from someone who can't even speak well enough to teach, it's rather impressive or should I say, suspicious.?

You see, I'm not saying their English sucks and I can't make a word of what they're actually talking about. I dare not say so because I ain't qualified nor am I anyone at all to judge. I was just curious because I thought that its rather big and surprising when someone is practically running extremely fast in a self made video clip when in reality, they can't even walk yet.

And, majority of them spend some time soaking in the salty water of Mediterranean Sea or floating in the Dead Sea before they came back gloriously with a PhD and end up teaching us bunch of nutty adolescences accompanied by hundreds of university monkeys nearby. (Actually, I'm just trying to say they got their Permanent Head Damage overseas)

What I was trying to say is that, imagine my surprise when I was wiki-ing some juicy extra details and to my surprise, the description there is like identical to those in my print-outs slide that's so called prepared by my dear lecturer who also never fail to mention that they came back from ....(insert any developed countries)

Either they wrote those entire series of wiki page which is the twin of their notes, or perhaps they're just like us. It would seem okay if only a few of them are the same and the rest are purely original with some grammar mistakes occasionally or simply another different choice of word.

It is not, when you keep re-reading your lecture notes and you can't help but felt that the entire thing felt so freaking familiar. Like, it's something you've read before somewhere else. Oh yeah, I forgot this what was I'd actually got after I wikied/googled it! DUH....

But seriously though, I won't blame them, after all they didn't make the bloody Internet so incredibly convenient didn't they.? They're just following the trend and guess that explains where we, the undergraduates got it from.


Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Bored to hell

I need motivation to read those same identical slides over and over again and force those biological terms into my stubborn brain without directly memorizing them. I suck at memorizing but it doesn't explain why I like Biology more than Chemistry and Physics. Wonders, another score for my weirdness scale. I want to score well for the paper so badly and even though I practically did cover the syllabus I am not confident because I couldn't remember much from it. Another outcome when there's no possible way I could remember every bloody word out of the slide. Only option left is to read it over as much as I can while time still allows it and pray that I can at least recite what does the freaking Scientific name or term means. What I need now is caffeine and sleep which doesn't match and most of all, genuine will power to read those bloody slides and sincerely wished those facts would venture into my brain cells, hopefully.

Am just ranting, not stressed out.


Thursday, April 19, 2007

Pardon me.

After being heavily contaminated with humongous amount of so called facts of how certain particular civilization supersedes another one which is extremely evil and wicked and not forgetting to boast how great they think they are.

Quite interesting in the sense I thought what we're trying to implement here is an equality towards everyone and not by praising someone high up till they reach the sky and can eventually touch the clouds while at the same time conveniently thrushes the enemy or what they labelled as merely another party which is obviously not on the same par with them but definitely not enemy, (They're very noble and the world nicest species that they don't and never make enemies remember.?) to the deepest end of Mariana Trench and of course hopefully and secretly wished that they're crushed out from the earth once and for all and penetrates into the mantle and ABRACADABRA, they vanish from earth. How magnificent.!


I'm utterly satisfied with myself and so damn glad that I have yet to be bias or actually reconsider what those 226 pages had claimed that's obviously trying to brainwash every single undergraduates that's of course one of our famous compulsory nonsense subject.

You see, being a public university undergraduate in our dearest Boleh Land is that you're given the great opportunity to experience certain complete unnecessary rubbish that's claimed to help boost national integration among our beautifully multi racial and of course those zillions of cultures that comes along with it.

But the irony of it is that, these brilliant academics who's also the authors of those pages of rubbish information just enjoy so much thrashing the others while in the same time saying they do accept if its good for them but won't if it isn't. If it was that simple, fine then. But instead they go on and on over hundreds of pages of how negative others are and how positive they are.

Hell, what's the point then if the whole bloody subject involves uplifting yourself while downgrading in what you believe is posing a great threat to you.? Or perhaps the truth was, they're at the same time black listing you just like the way you're doing it to us now.? No wonder they're trying so hard to paint such an ugly picture and practically shoving it in front of our nose so that we won't even dare to missed it!

Amusing as it is, we're treated as undergraduates with three year old mind that will come crawling back to you just because you gave us ice cream or in other words, make us believe and hope that the other half of the world will suddenly wake up from centuries of sleep and decides that you're right, you're the best and by jolly I love you so much I can't wait to die for you.?

Even an actual three year old today won't say ''Oh I'm so stupid you're so clever I want to go with you forever even if I have to die and I won't get to sleep with teddy anymore''. No they won't. Even if you give them ice cream.

So what makes them actually think that these foolishly written stupid facts that was honestly assumed would help us treat our neighbours better or love our enemies more.? I doubt, with such detailed conspiracy theories, I thought everything just seems to be getting worse instead.

I mean, no offence if it does work for certain someone who actually give a damn bout what that book repeatedly boast about or even dare to be discussed deeply, (I forgot they're actually trying to teach us something) but well perhaps it can serve as an entertainment or another subject for you to laze around just to release some stress heh.?

After all, there are plenty of fun facts that raises a number of question marks. Interesting in a way, funny in another way, idiotic in another way. You decide after you've forcefully read it just because you don't have a bloody choice like me, IPTA remember? And it's WAJIB?

Oh ya, one of the ultimate fun fact was it actually said that Japan is one of the Veto powers. Man, bet those Japs love them so damn much. Can't believe I almost forget that. (Yes, I did actually read that bloody book for the sake of my grades, duh.)

I mean, how could I right.? Bless me, just ingested that particular subject and well, it has to be egested right? =))

Saturday, April 14, 2007

What the hell is wrong with me?

I don't need a skin allergic reaction which haunt me whenever they feel like it which is bloody often, giving me unbearable itchiness all over my tan legs not to mention those ugly patches.

I don't need an extremely swollen lips that resembles a pig pouting instead of Angelina Jolie's inch thick sexy lips that seduces you into wanting to kiss it so badly.

I don't need another series of insomnia keeping me wide awake every night yet unable to do anything while waiting for the clock to tick until I finally doze off. It's utterly tormenting and it's like exam week? Perfect.

I don't need to be reminded that I'm dehydrated and you should drink more water and eat more fruits even though I downed at least 3 litres of water daily and I do eat fruits!

I don't need again my lips to be cracking or peeling off which hurts awfully bad and the non existent of lips and facial colour that makes me look like a walking ghost with no traits of blood at all. Yes, I know I'm pale. Thank you.

Sorry. Suffering from exam phobia and is desperately in need of vitamin C and Zyrtec!!! And another extra brain.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Caught blue handed.

Innocence-Avril Lavigne

Waking up I see that everything is okay
The first time in my life and now it's so great
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great

I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliance
I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect
Please don't go away
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by

I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it's so clear
Feel calm, I belong, I'm so happy here
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere

I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliance
I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect
Please don't go away
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by

It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliance
Makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliance
Please don't go away
Cause I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by

This innocence is brilliance
I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect
Please don't go away
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

What's written in my water bottle.

daisy dance debut decay decor delay demon depth derby digit dingo dirty ditch diver dizzy donor dopey doubt dowse doyen dozen draft drain drake drank drawn dread dream dress dive drill drink droll drool droop drunk dusky dusty dutch duvet dwarf

I'm just plain bored. =/

Friday, April 06, 2007


I would never ever enclose my personal life in front of the class. Nor would I brilliantly chose a topic of presentation that involves my juicy little secrets of the other side of me beside the one I am inside the class.

Not that I'm ashamed of the way I live or that I'm a badass scumbag and hence whatever I do should be a secret and not announce to the whole world. And I am not leading a dark life that cannot be revealed to any ray of lights at all or else would suffer a horrid death, but the fact that such confidentiality's seems inappropriate to be shared to everyone who practically has the ability to hear.

And I find it rather amusing to hear my friends sharing their future family plan for everyone to listen. I wonder what makes them actually wanna tell the whole world that they've decided that at 21, wanna exchange the till-death-do-us-apart vow, or for-richer-or-poorer thingy when they finally turn 26.? Not to mention to have three little monsters and leave them for dear parents in law to clean up their messes of faeces and drooling saliva?

Okay, it's perfectly sane to plan it before hand and stuff, bless you for such a big-heart to throw away freedom at an age so young to start your dream family and so amazingly noble to share it with us. How nice. =.=

What I don't get is why are they dying to get those hypocrite faces of I'm-happy-for-you from every single one who's keen enough to lend their sympathetic ears with pathetic fake eyes expression. And who actually told me you can't fake how your eyes expresses themselves because eyes is the window to your soul? Bite me.


But on the other side, I myself have been keeping a blog for almost three years and all this while, I hardly included anything personal here. Not that I'm suppressing myself, I just simply thought its not right and yes I do not want to throw everything here on the net which is practically equivalent as telling the whole world of what I think.

I guess this is what you get when you're born weird. Mentally of course but not necessarily wrong (weird doesn't mean you're crazy, it means you're different), or perhaps you just grew up to be such an ass and unsurprisingly some narcissism just manage to creep in those odd blue coloured blood.

Can't resist it, simply the world's perfect match of traits from the bottom.


Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Boss' expectation

A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again.

So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth. He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please".

The dog has money in its mouth, as well. The butcher looks inside and behold, there is a ten dollar note in there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog. So off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing; the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. When they do, it walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it. The butcher follows the dog into the bus.

Then the dog shows a ticket which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor. The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in the bus.

The dog then sits near the driver's seat looking outside waiting for the bus stop to come. As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor.

Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop.

It opens the big Iron Gate and rushes inside towards the door as it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops the guy.

"What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!"

To which the guy responds: "You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog forgotten his key."

Moral of the story: You may continue to exceed onlooker's expectations but shall always fall short of the boss' expectations. It's dog's life after all.........

Sunday, April 01, 2007

What am I writing?

I was told not to be so cynical. That life ain't that bad actually and putting your hopes or trust on uncertainties could be rewarding sometimes. It is still very beautiful with miracles popping out once a while and every little black spot in your life suddenly vanished. And the only thing you could see was the beauty of such gorgeous occurrence and nothing else matters to your eyes.

I do not deny the hopes and power of what a miracle could have upon those who are fortunate or unfortunately have it inflicted on them. It opens up a new door for you that you have been desperately waiting for ages but unable or simply do not have the courage to unlock it. It also closes the door of darkness and covers up all unpleasant memories where they're then left there and buried with this sudden magnificent luck.

But what I could not turn a blind eye to, was the aftermath of such naive yet very much sought after moments that would one day decide to knock on my stubborn door. I wish I could for once, enjoy the greatness of certain supposedly amazing things, and not just being diverted to the negative effects that would followed after it.

Its nature that everything comes with both sides. The balance of yin and yang.? Is it a blessing or a curse to be able to consider both left and right and not just celebrate all the wonderful things that comes with it and ignored the ugly ones just because you're too busy being happy and forgot there are bad times too.?

But what is so wrong of being happy.? It is not wrong to be such a cynic, misanthropist or pessimist. But it is not wise to chose to be sad when you could be happy. To enjoy the miracle that fate had decided to award you. Life is also balanced out, being happy does not mean you're incapable of recognising or be prepared for the worst expectations. You are not disregarding what that's currently or would be happening tomorrow. You're simply living the best out of yourself while you could.

It is rather sad, quite a pity when you know there are things that are worth to be delighted, to have continuous smile and grins about it, but unable to, because you just couldn't wipe it off even for a short moment. And perhaps, you simply forgot that everything has its dark side, its dirty little secret that's waiting to be unleashed.

Its a never ending line you're walking, its infinite and will never once cease, worst as it would only get longer the more you go. You will never stop pitying the awfully depressed you which is actually a slow suicidal act. And mean time, you're suffering the drifting life of waiting for death that comes afterwards, alone.

Friday, March 30, 2007


I do not need this.

I do not need to feel sorry for myself for not being able to be who I should but not who I am. I hate myself for being such a realist that I could not even lie to myself that I'm actually not okay. The fact that I'm such a hypocrite typical misanthropist that appears confident when I'm not. I do not need yet another person to tell me that I should be proud and happy of the decisive and rational mind I possess but it is me who is killing myself at this very moment. No, I am not suicidal by nature. The arrogance and ego that runs in my blood that is not supported by my pathetic shallow knowledge or manipulated intelligence and sky rocket rationale that shoves me down underground and ripping me off alive like pieces of filthy rags. I do not need another extra reason to keep being melancholy for I already am. Effortlessly. Another stereotypical fact that isn't gonna vanished just because I suddenly discovered that life is beautiful but sadly I'm living in a denial state and unable to face it.? No. Reality fucks me hard all the time, I do live in a crystal conscience of my own with all fugly scenes flying pass in front of my panda eyes.

I just chose to live it the way I really am.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

或许有时候, 蓝色并不是我想象中那么的 BLUE.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Die, died, dead, death.

Are you afraid of death.?

To some it may seems that death is a punishment for it puts an end to everything. Is it really so.? Death only puts a stop to the life you're living. To others where your existent matters so much in their life, it marks an entire different beginning for them. A life without you to go on with. Permanently.

Death is not punishment. It's a destination that everyone has to go at the end of the night. As dark it may seems, or how solemn it may sound, is the fear of death really that frightening?

What frighten humans most is the unknown. I've read somewhere that death is just as similar to birth. Just that human view birth as something beautiful as we're on this side of the portal and are able to see everything crystal clear.

As for death, it's in another side of the portal that's dark because we knew nothing about it at all. It remains a mystery, unknown and there's no way we can get any answers for it and when we did, it's already to late.

You're already dead.