Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Why?

I'm an ego person, naturally I do not believe in suppressing your own feelings. I find it rather tormenting not to anyone else, but to yourself.

Why should we seek for something that will just draw sad faces to ourselves?

Why should we on purpose, chose to do something that's against our wishes and then further make yourself feeling worse.?

Why should we say yes just because everyone else did but deep down, you know your head is shaking, not nodding.

Why are we constantly forcing ourselves to do something that at the end of it, we know we'll suffer.?

Why do I still chose to skate when I known I'm an official Klutz and will fall and hurt myself.?

Why do we procrastinate even though we're afraid of failing yet another paper.?

Why do we pick a dish voluntarily even though we know for sure it taste terribly and still eat it.?

Why do we eat too much even though we know we're gonna vomit everything out right after we're done.?

Why do we runaway when we know we still have to turn back in the end.?

Why do we refuse to let go even though it's already long gone and is never gonna return.?

Why do we seek for problems when we knew we couldn't and wouldn't solve it.?

Why do we smile when we're actually crying.?

Why do I ask so many whys when I knew its gonna go unanswered.?

Monday, January 29, 2007

Old Mr Chou

The Chinese culture has a saying that, sleeping means you're going to meet the "Chou Gong", or what we call in English, Old Mr Chou. It was believe that he guards the door that opens into dreams.

In Amy Tan's The Joy Luck Club, a little girl thinks that the Old Mr. Chou brings her to bad places and hence she refuses to sleep, to avoid nightmares.

There are times when she was about to fall asleep, when the Old Mr. Chou opens the door widely waiting for her to get in, but when she's getting close enough to the door, he slams the door at her face just like that! And there she goes, back into wakefulness, staring into the dark night waiting to fall asleep again.

When Old Mr Chou finally gets tired in the end, he left the door unwatched. And there she goes, sneaking in silently to the dreamland of hers, undisturbed. And slept.



For the past week, I've been suffering from insomnia that keeps me awake for a few hours after I've gone to bed. It's rather disturbing and extremely boring since I can't move around that much with a bad leg and imagine those two or three hours spent, with nothing to do but just lay there with wide open eyes.

Oh dear Old Mr Chou, please let me in would you.?

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Honest or mean.?

I was taken aback by the sudden message. What seems to me as a perfectly genuine reply turns out to be a rather disappointing answer that actually hurts and I didn't know. Not at all.

I was lost for a moment, for I believe I did nothing wrong, but it turns out to be a sincere and honest come back could be interpreted or taken as a hurtful response or just sarcasm.

Tell me, is it wrong to be truthful then.?

At that very instance, I was stunned and asked back in return what's wrong. I was then informed that even though it was an honest answer, I should have given myself a chance to reconsider it and not put a full stop to it completely without thinking twice.

I'm ego, not used to having people asking me to think over something that I've already decided earlier. Especially on cases as small as these where I'm perfectly sure of what I want but it is what that slaps you directly in your face without warning.

Its not that I do not appreciate an honest feedback, but I wasn't expecting something as typical or as minute as an invitation turn down would be taken as something that actually hurts one so deeply.

I apologize nonetheless, for the so called slight damage I created. But I maintain my stand that I was just being honest. (The latest trend of saying sorry for the damage you've done but not what you did. HA!)

Not a fake person with a fake answer that one wish to hear, but not I what I intend to say. No, I would not do so just to be pleasant at your terms.

My heart tells me it is not wrong, my mind tells me it is not wrong, but one has to be careful with their words, speak with words of wisdom.? Or simply do not blurt words out like a fool.?

Being honest and knowing what to say at the same time, a necessity of surviving in this real world indeed.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Odd

I once wrote to myself that arrogance comes at a price. Being a bitch has its own consequences and not every one is willing to compromise that. At least, not the self claimed bitch.

Sometimes you feel rather admirable for your confidence. The ability to wear your own skin comfortably and show it the to world that you're very proud of it.

No low self esteem detected, an image full of confidence and faith that one look at you, people can already feel your aura. Eyes that glistens with light and paired with the gaze of a winner.

It brings you forward, you appeared calm and intelligent but with a surprisingly warmth approach that further balance the yin and yang of your zero-weakness personality that's blended along with a dose of humble and nobility.

Ah, the perfect human portrait that's disguised behind those awkward trademark smile that none of us is unfamiliar with.

The strong impression build has somehow blinded the inner eyes of common spectators. Those who look at you, but could not see you. Those who hears you, but could not listen to you.

You weep silently in your heart, praying wistfully that someday, someone would come and rescue you.

But when.? When your inside is within reach.? Are you foolish enough to so called wait for the destiny that awaits you.? What future have installed for you.?

No doubt, but as far as it seems that future might be there for you, nothing will happen if you just sit there and do nothing. For it is not like the rain, it will not fall upon you out of the blue just like that. You have to go there, and get it by yourself.

It's like an item you longed for, seated nicely on the shelf, waiting for you to rescue it. But you still have to go on your own. And till then, it awaits.

Do not depend on others to get it for you, for you would be expecting too much and despair will answer you instead. The assumption that there will be someone who would know what your inner heart desires, and what your thoughts are behind those strong appearance are enough to drown you while you're still smiling faithfully but foolishly.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Left footie on the run.

Today and yesterday had been quite a blast for my piggy foot.

After staying in room for one whole week and practically doing nothing, I went out. Not exactly out of campus, just out of my hostel where I limped all the to the centre and the library.

You see, when you're stuck in a small room with barely anything to do, you seek for something enlightening or at least you find it enjoyable to fill out those empty hours. Since the line was pretty jinxed up the past few days, I read and have done quite a few novels in. That's why I need to go to the library and get some more books. Yes, a book freak I may be but its still better than sleeping and sleeping and sleeping right.?

And to hell with sleeping, I've been sleeping so much in the first few days that it amazes myself how come I could still sleep soundly and early at night even after constants day naps.? And then suddenly, three bloody days ago, I decided not to nap and guess what, I couldn't sleep at night!

This actually continued till last night and that's the third night I'm suffering from insomnia! I would lay awake with my eyes widely open for at least 2 hours before I fall asleep. And since I have to bloody elevate my foot, I can't toss around that much and that's pretty torturing since I just have to lie there and wait till I manage to vent into my dreamland.

And today, I finally return to class. It's a little hard, had a friend to pick me up since the normal route to our faculty have to pass by a slightly steep hill and if I was to use my crutches and limp down, I think I would rolled down instead. Ha!

Besides answering a series of what happen to my foot, I guess that's pretty much about it. I mean, I understand that people are curious when you've been absent for a week and suddenly you reappear but with also another two crutches, there's bound to be questions.

I'm playing with my patience while repeating the same answers over and over again and I can't blame them can't I.? Perhaps I should shrug them off? I guess that's not very polite but then, the thing is, there are people who ask because they're curious, there are also people who ask because of concern or simply playing their sympathies.?

I guess I'm just ignorant enough to don't give a damn since there's something else that requires my attention more, my piggy foot. (And also my sore arms from using the crutches constantly and my right foot. I wonder by the time I recover, would I have a extremely well tone right foot from supporting my piggy left foot too much , but a softie tofu left foot.? HA!)

Cheers.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Patience

Just have a little, patience
I'm still hurting from a ligament I torn,
I'm feeling your frustration,
Then maybe all the pain will stop,
Just don't be close inside your arms tonight,
Don't be to hard on my emotions

(Chorus)
Cause I, need time,
My foot is numb has no feeling,
So while I'm still healing,
Just try and have a little patience,

I really wanna start walking again,
I know you wanna be my crutches,
The one that I can always depend,

I'll try to be strong, believe me,
I'm trying to stand up,
It's complicated but understand me,

Cause I need time,
My foot is numb has no feeling,
So while I'm still healing,
Just try and have a little patience,

Yeah, have a little patience, Yeah

Cause this wound runs so deep,
It still hurts,
But I have to believe me,

Have a little patience,
Have a little patience,

Cause I, I just need time,
My foot is numb has no feeling,
So while I'm still healing,
just try, and have a little patience,

Have a little patience,
My foot is numb has no feeling,
So while I'm still healing
just try and have a little... patience



Adapted from Take That's Patience and edited by limping Miss Kelly. =P

Saturday, January 20, 2007

I need time

I've always tell people to be patient, for patience is a virtue.

It's only been a week since I had that unfaithful second and yet, my patience is running out. Isn't it irony.? One short single second can make a whole lot difference to the rest of your life while sometimes, there are certain things that continue going on for ages and yet, it doesn't make a single difference. Not at all. One little humpty dumpty scene is gonna leave me with a weak left foot for the rest of my short life.

For the time being, I'm the one now who keep reminding myself to be as patient as I could, in waiting for time to pass and my piggy leg to unpig itself. For there's hardly anything I could do since it takes forever months before I get fully recovered and walk like normal again.

And all this while, I've been pretty okay with what fate had decided to fall upon me for I believe if its meant to be, it will. It's not like I've completely surrendered my life to fate and destiny and don't give a damn about it, just that when things happen, they do.

There's nothing I could do now to reverse or unwind what had happened or blame others for my unfortunate encounter that can make myself feel better. Just that sometimes I get overly frustrated with the fact that cannot be change where there's nothing I can do to make myself feel better or just to make my piggy leg less piggy.

I guess I just have to cope with the fact of waking up every morning with an excruciating pain attacking my left foot, screaming for my tender attention that's followed by a series of crutches walking moments, not to mention those horrible stairs climbing where every steps is like having those disgusting crawling bugs inside my fatty ankle eating my bone and flesh alive.

Okay, I'm exaggerating.

Forgive me for this is the place where I can rant as much as possible without feeling pressured of being difficult or having to respond to those immediate emotions drawn in their face or keep ranting bout my myself like a teenager craving for attention.

Just that sometimes you just need to release yourself a little and you can't possible aimed at other people all the time because it would be unfair to them. Especially to those who's been lending their helping hand to you and I guess the least I could do is spare them from my rantings. I don't wanna take advantage of their sympathy or good will of helping the limping miss Kelly.

And now, I just have to learn as time goes by, to be more patient, to love my torn ligament more, to love my weak left footie more, to love my crutches more, to make myself feel more worth while and of course, to love myself more. =)

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Can't think of a title.

I've always stand hard on my principle that no matter how cheesy, how kiddy, how unbelievable on what I use to wrote, I WILL NOT delete my ancient old post because they represent me back in those days.

It doesn't bother me that I was a lousy wannabe writer, nor my post suggest that I'm just another girly girl who's too bored with her life and write funny post. I've grown to live with it for if I deleted it, it would make my blog no longer original. Because those are what that have brought me till here in writing what I do now.

But then, I don't know what's gone into me, in a split second I decided to delete quite a number of posts that dated back when I just began this blog.

In a blink of an eye, I've deleted almost a hundred post and I sense no regret in my action which really surprises myself.

I don't understand why I did that, I hope I knew, but I don't.

Have I changed.? It doesn't seems to be ME to do such thing, but I did and I'm still me.

Before I click the delete button, I browse through it and realise there's no harm or bad memories in it but I still chose to get rid of them. Why then.?

Have I finally grow up and realise those post are no longer relevant.? I've always thought I'm someone who can handle the past no matter how ugly it used to be for I believe I can treat them as a memory or lesson to guide me into brighter days tomorrow.

If so, why then.?

Perhaps the time has come, its time to move on and I shall not leave anything behind that might slow me down.




I've skipped an entire week of lectures, and I'm not lazing, its because it still inconvenient and hurts to walk around and I'm not good with the crutches. The only place I've been to beside my room would be the bathroom that I now really hate because of those 9 steps of stairs that I have to painfully climb with my weird coloured swollen left foot. Yes I've counted them because I'm walking extremely slow. With practically nothing to do while rotting in room and not to mention a terrible line connection surely does contribute to what I do most lately, sleep. HA!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Thou shall not skate

Warning: Long and bored post, skip and save yourself from my rants.


First experience are usually not what you considered as good or pleasant one though some might be. Most of the time, first experience are more like experimental ones or simply an attempt out of curiosity.

Last Saturday night,I had a couple of first hand experience in which I have to say really enlighten my short life of exposure.

I went ice skating for the first time and eventually fell a couple of times on the icy floor in public mind you, and wet my buttocks being the klutz that I am. I guess nature calls when I fell flat on my left foot that's accompanied by a loud crack that certainly did freak me out.

But with the terrible throbbing pain that follows from it, I couldn't be bother to much with the enormous amount of unwanted, uninvited and unnecessary attention that comes with the whole clumsy stunt. It is not something I ask for nor something I want, but public area is public and its a freaking weekend night. Fantastic.

I was ushered to a room in a wheel chair and had my left ankle compressed with ice which eventually soothes my pain. And the rebellious and naughty me wasn't afraid at first and actually wanted to go out there and try again because it no longer hurts that much but against the norm, I should not, for its a weekend, the skating surface is too bloody wet, too many wannabe skaters wandering around that can just conveniently contribute to another traumatic fall.

I actually manage to get all the way back to hostel with my aching foot and imagine the shock in my friend's face when with my gigantic swollen left foot. Pig's leg. How nice.

I seek help from my hostel first aid, the red crescent club and looking my condition, they practically carry me to the uni's ER, mind you men power they use, two men lift me all the way to ER and imagine my humble tomato coloured face.

I was attended by a sleepy doctor who couldn't be bother with me and on hearing that I said there was a loud crack. Imagine my tremendous shock when all I heard from his grouchy voice was, CALL THE AMBULANCE. (After all, I thought I just sprained my ducky foot, not break it and it turns out that the truth was, I need an x-ray)

And that's when I had my first ambulance ride. I was attended by a grumpy nurse where I tried and understand its a midnight shift after all. A young resident doctor told me my x-ray was fine and discharge me with a day worth of painkillers. So much for a first ER experience.

And yesterday, I went again to the uni's clinic for my piggy leg seems to be swelling upwards, return with whole lot of medicine and there's when my parent's instinct decided to get help from outside.

And there I go, seek medication from a doctor which finally told me my left ankle ligament is torn. Not completely of course, just part of it, which fortunately I did not had any fractured bones and torn ligament is just peanuts. Just that the bad news would be it takes a hell lot of time to recover. And I'm not allow to exercise for quite a while. Being a torn ligament not only takes forever to joint back, but this spot now would remain as my weak spot from now on.

Ah, so much for an ice skating attempt that leaves a mark that runs a lifetime. And for the mean time, Miss Kelly is using crutches to aid her movements. Ah, just wonderful.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Stranger in the mirror.

If you seek to find yourself

Look not in a mirror

For there is but a shadow there

A stranger...

— Silenius, Odes to Truth



A pretender you are, and no mirror will reveal the actual you. So why then are you looking for yourself in front of the mirror.? A reflection that tells you nothing about you but lies, deceit and hypocrisy. It's sad, yet it's so true. Your image show someone else, not you. Who is it then.? Who's smiling back at you in front of the mirror while you're actually crying.? It shows someone who's wearing a mask with the same old expressions all the time, while beneath it, its a sulky face who's drowning in its own tears. Struggling. And the actual person is slowly fading away as time goes by, for it no longer know who it was, too busy being someone you're not, and forgot who you are. Faded. Lost. Forgotten. Gone. Forever.


Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I dreamt of me.

It was an unpleasant dream, but not a nightmare. A dream so real it left me feeling like I was indeed walking and breathing in the dreamland of mine. As if I was really committing an act of selfishness with no integrity, really flying away to a place so far and leave myself feeling guilty and sorry for no one else, but me.

Yet another pity one for me.

The highlight was when I woke up, and realize its only a dream, the sudden sense of relief that triggers my conscious is hugely different from what I use to feel after a nightmare. Those that disturbs our beauty sleep and shook us up with fear, and still do even after we're wide awake and realize its just a silly dream but nonetheless, the eerie feeling still lingers around and we continue calming ourselves down. A sense of relief mixed with fears and doubt.

But this, is not. The relief is like a wonderful feeling of assurance. With no timid or scared feeling that makes our hearts beat a little faster. Instead, as relieved as I was, there was questions that appears to me.

Was it real.? Or was I just hallucinating back into my dream before I dozed off once again.? Having known it was merely a dream, relief from the fact that it's something that's not happening but yet, I couldn't stop asking myself the authenticity of it.

How odd.

Was it somehow what I did in reality resembles what I dreamt that bears those questions mark.? Are my actions indeed as clear as those in my dreamland.?

Again, I had a night full of dreams. I could no longer recall what it was, but once again, it wasn't pleasant for sure.

I appear disturbed according to her. My sleep talking is getting worse, but yet she couldn't make out what I say as usual. She just said I sound not well. A rather unpleasant tone.

I wonder what would I dream again tonight.?

Monday, January 08, 2007

Finally

She asked me if I think she's tough.

I smiled at her, and felt a rather strong chemistry of something that we both possessed, a strong and tough impression to others, but inside, we're soft hearted as hell.

One slight breeze will send our heart weeping like the river, even though our images are lying to the world, standing tall and stable like a fortress able to swallow any problems all on our own, which we actually don't.

We're both ambitious people, with a tough character and most importantly, we only allow our hearts to cry silently behind the eyes of everyone.

Call us the long french bread, with soft filling inside the stone hard crust that protects us. It's something we learn and become while growing up. We're not born like that. We envied those who can just weep their heart out and cry for pity or sympathy. But we just can't. Arrogance and ego eating us alive.?

We're human too. We're not tough by nature, deep down, we still need help. We're still weak, fragile perhaps. We could be drowning in our own tears and yet, no one on earth will know, because we refuse to be known. Sad, yet it's what we seek ourselves.

I was advised to stop wallowing in self pity? Why push myself so hard to make myself feeling even worse.? As noisy as I seem to be, as tough as I appear, the real me might not be what I seem to be.

He call himself a pretender and I understand it perfectly for he's not alone. Because I once again realize that I'm being such a hypocrite to myself.

If one was to judge me through my melancholic writings, I'm perfectly sure one would surprised by my actual persona who loves to talk so much. Yes, I'm pretty talkative, and my blue coloured blood can hardly be detected. But who's to say I'm not just because I don't look like one.?

Is it only you who only know your true self.? What if you're hiding from yourself.?

Pity.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Cold shower again

When the icy water come splashing down my face, it brought me back to reality, that I'm once again back to campus.

I reached here last night, with the office close, unable to check in to get my room keys nor my stuff in my rent locker. Spend the night in a friend's room and barely slept.

I cleaned my filthy room, arrange my stuff, and skipped all my classes today, waited for more than an hour for the stupid bus that came finally but packed and hence equals to more waiting. Took cab at the end just to get some essential from the nearby satay town and get a decent meal. I forgot I hadn't eaten a thing since I woke at 9 and it was already 4pm.

This isn't exactly what you call a nice or beautiful beginning.

Perfect.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

New

It's time to leave again. I'm not in a writing mode, will be reaching KL by evening and another term is gonna start in about 24 hours. Time does fly doesn't it.? Too bad it doesn't stop, like the aircraft. Will write more once I'm back. You know, perhaps it's not bad at all that time doesn't stop, in fact, it's actually pretty good and I'm thankful for it.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy New Year

Congratulations, you're a year older. HA!