Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Saving Fish from Drowning.

A pious man explained to his followers:

It is evil to take lives and noble to save them. Each day I pledge to save a hundred lives. I drop my net in the lake and scoop out a hundred fishes. I place the fishes on the bank, where they flop and twirl. "Don't be scared," I tell those fishes. "I am saving you from drowning." Soon enough, the fishes grow calm and lie still. Yet, sad to say, I am always too late. The fishes expire. And because it is evil to waste anything, I take those dead fishes to the market and I sell them for a good price. With the money I receive, I buy more nets so I can save more fishes.

Monday, February 26, 2007


How could I be wounded, when I didn't care.? I couldn't remember since when it started, but I've learn to hide from my own pain. I hid my deepest feeling so well I forgot where I had placed them earlier. How am I then, to seek it back.? To regain the actual feeling that comes over me in the beginning? Am I not lost in my own acts now.? To hold back my feelings at the very first that I now, is deficient of the great and genuine feelings that surprisingly, I have yet to yearn for it so much. It is a shame, yet I do not feel it, not that I do not know. I could no longer feel naturally but only carefully.

Thursday, February 22, 2007


Wednesday, February 21, 2007


Just got back from Sandakan today. Somehow sometimes I resent to update when there's nothing much to be written, or perhaps too tired to do so.

It's amazing how so many things can happen in a spilt second. It's even more surprising when your mind find itself to adapt so quickly to sudden changes that pops out of no where even though it was expected earlier.

When things turns out the way you've been expecting it, but not anticipating it, you know how you would feel after it happened but there are times when it turns out not as bad as you thought it would be or perhaps even worse.?

It's rather misleading because it's like your earlier expectations have warned you earlier of what you would feel, but when the true feelings steps in and you can't possibly lie to yourself that your assumptions had not influence what you're feeling now.?

Especially if it doesn't feel as strong or as much as you've thought, or lesser. Would you doubt is that your actual inner feelings, or you're just a hypocrite to yourself or perhaps, you're really not feeling it.?


Friday, February 16, 2007

Heading home tomorrow!!

I guess there is always the time when you've finally out grown yourself and get accustomed to something that the yesterday you couldn't accept. Or perhaps, no longer felt any anger and disappointment anymore and they're as if the everyday water you drink.

Your heart is abandoned too long from having any more queer feelings and you just treat every little thing with the same neutral emotion.

Perhaps this also happens when you had too much of the same thing, you know exactly how it looks like, how each different corner has a special bending or angle, or how it taste under your tongue. You simply knew every single little thing about it.

You don't call this familiar or know it from back to front. Just that your mind is already completely set to what and how it is. With a fully drawn picture that has a fixed position, almost permanently too. For this is the only thing that never fails to keep jumping out to you and you just learned to live with it. Naturally.

It's like you're consuming daily anesthetic and it numbs your heart and feelings all together. It's not like you lost your mind and stay in an unconscious state, more like you're immune to any unpleasant feeling that crosses your pumping cardiac muscle.

You do not recognize any pain nor would you realize that it hurts. You've been feeling the same old thing over and over again that even if it's not doing you any good, you wouldn't notice. Or you've already made up your mind and just ignore it. Ignorance is a bliss, but avoidance doesn't get you far.

It's just inevitable that your heart will collapse sooner or later. Hemorrhage perhaps, after the blood pressure suddenly increased drastically and after being stagnant for so long, your little heart could not sustain the sudden outburst and there it goes.

You were so used to everything that seems so ordinary that you have no idea you're suffocating with your very own heart that pumps every single drop of blood that circulates your body, delivering oxygen to your lungs, drawing every deep breath that again repeats the cycle. But it no longer could, for it's too late, and your heart had stop.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007


I couldn't believe my eyes. The sight of it alone is enough to make me sick. I wanted to throw up, but I couldn't turn away from it. Its demanding my attention silently. And oddly, as much as it disgusts me, it has an invisible will power that's attracting my gaze, a fugly magnetic connection that I could hardly break. I couldn't bring myself to believe what that has happened. It tears me apart terribly to even accept this inevitable harsh fact. How I wish it could be wipe away, thrown away or just plainly ignored it. But I can't, its already there, staring at me, piercing into my stone cold heart directly it hurts. And it would remain there for as long as I know. There isn't anything I could do. I wanted to be saved right away, but who will rescue me.?

Would you.?

Saturday, February 10, 2007


The line had been terribly jinxed for the past week, plus with the combination of my ancient lappy which never fail to die off when there are slightly more programs running. Will be heading home for Chinese New Year in less than a week time, can hardly wait. But with a few assignments all due before the break, the picture turns a little fugly, accompanied by the unbearable boiling hot weather that leaves me wondering when would I melt. And not forgetting a series of mid semester exam papers that awaits right after the short one week festive holiday.


Tuesday, February 06, 2007

I dream

Why do we dream.?

Why do we fall asleep every night and will naturally without any force, wander into a world full of fantasy that we cannot reach under our very own will power.?

Dreaming is just what we happen to do. We have no power to control it, to dream, or not to dream. To dream what and not to dream what.

It just happen to be something we do unconsciously. If only science can explain why do we dream, and what exactly is behind those little dreamland of ours that we enter over and over again.?

For me, its another one of life's little wonder that cannot be explain. At least, not yet. Life's mystery.? There's no answer to what it means, nor why we have it, yet it is also inevitable. We cannot stop it from happening, or hope for it when to happen.

What would you choose then, if given the luxury to choose, a sleep without dream, or with.? And here, you haven't even venture into what dreams you would pick. If only we could.

It is not an ugly picture that science have yet to interpret precisely what our dreams mean. There are numerous scientific theories behind it but none of them have yet to be proven.

Perhaps there are just questions that's not meant to be answered, nor is it necessary that everything comes with an explanation. Life is not perfect, nothing is. And sometimes, it is actually a rather fortunate thing. In this case, it is. At least for me.

I seriously don't think it would be a very pretty picture if dreams can deciphered into words, numbers and meanings. Perhaps, the meaning of dream is that it is meant to be without any actual meaning behind it. HA!

If everything has a ready made manual that's complete with explanation, everything on earth discovered with full written answers, there would no longer be any mysteries, no more fun. A stagnant life. And we wouldn't want that to happen don't we.?

At least, not until I draw my last breath on this giant sphere.


Saturday, February 03, 2007

Mr. Chance

When you predicted that certain unhappiness or unfavourable things are coming towards you, would you do anything to prevent it.? Or simply lessen the harm that most probably might fall upon you.?

There are people who would not even lift a finger to change a thing even though they could see what was coming to them is not pretty. Was it because they're simply too stubborn to go against the so called what fate had in store for them.? Because it is not right to head a different direction from the destiny that awaits you.? Or because it has been followed for such a long time it has became a taboo, and no one, none at all dare to even suggest to not go this way but the other one.?

The security it guarantees over the years of tradition that bears no unexpected outcome. Everything came out as it was planned, another picture perfect that was expected. Dull as it may seems, but it portrays no threat nor any possible harm. Peace.

But when a certain gap appears suddenly, would you grab the chance you had and somehow add a little colour to that painting that was assumed and sketched earlier.? Who knows, it might be more colourful then what you've been drawing for as long as you can remember.?

For those who did not, they let Mr chance flew away. Oh he was there, waiting for you to invite him in. But you did not. You thought it wasn't necessary, or perhaps you did not have the courage to do so. After all, you've live so long and walk so far but you were not taught to practice such act nor even encouraged to try new things. Why change when everything was going fine.? Not even when there's a big opportunity waiting to be taken.?

I say what a fool you are. Though some might say, you're not greedy, you do not seek for anything out of the ordinary that seems to just stand out a little in the regular painting you've drawn. You're satisfied with what you have, you shall live a very long and peaceful life.

You gladly bow, offer your respect and show how grateful you are and then you leave and crawl back to the same old life of yours, doomed to be the same way for the rest of the days you breath on earth.

Its irony when you're asked, would you rather chose the life as mention earlier, or would you take a leap of faith and try your luck in a chance that you've been debating to take or not.? Who knows, it may yield fruitfully, and your painting might have been sighted or even taken as something extremely rare and full of life that suddenly, you've turn colourful overnight. You, not only your masterpiece.

That, of course is the best one would hope for, but they are the times when you took it bravely and it turns out to be worse than what you've expect. You can say it failed you, but at least the journey you took was rewarding enough, even though the destination wasn't. Remember, its not where you're going that matters, its the entire process of going that is.

If you've reach the place you've always dream of as the ideal destiny, congratulations. Lets hope all the walking had pay off not only with the lesson of your life, but the reward too. But if it didn't, at least you've got what you want, just not where you want.