Friday, February 16, 2007

Heading home tomorrow!!

I guess there is always the time when you've finally out grown yourself and get accustomed to something that the yesterday you couldn't accept. Or perhaps, no longer felt any anger and disappointment anymore and they're as if the everyday water you drink.

Your heart is abandoned too long from having any more queer feelings and you just treat every little thing with the same neutral emotion.

Perhaps this also happens when you had too much of the same thing, you know exactly how it looks like, how each different corner has a special bending or angle, or how it taste under your tongue. You simply knew every single little thing about it.

You don't call this familiar or know it from back to front. Just that your mind is already completely set to what and how it is. With a fully drawn picture that has a fixed position, almost permanently too. For this is the only thing that never fails to keep jumping out to you and you just learned to live with it. Naturally.

It's like you're consuming daily anesthetic and it numbs your heart and feelings all together. It's not like you lost your mind and stay in an unconscious state, more like you're immune to any unpleasant feeling that crosses your pumping cardiac muscle.

You do not recognize any pain nor would you realize that it hurts. You've been feeling the same old thing over and over again that even if it's not doing you any good, you wouldn't notice. Or you've already made up your mind and just ignore it. Ignorance is a bliss, but avoidance doesn't get you far.

It's just inevitable that your heart will collapse sooner or later. Hemorrhage perhaps, after the blood pressure suddenly increased drastically and after being stagnant for so long, your little heart could not sustain the sudden outburst and there it goes.

You were so used to everything that seems so ordinary that you have no idea you're suffocating with your very own heart that pumps every single drop of blood that circulates your body, delivering oxygen to your lungs, drawing every deep breath that again repeats the cycle. But it no longer could, for it's too late, and your heart had stop.

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