Friday, March 30, 2007

Dizzy

I do not need this.

I do not need to feel sorry for myself for not being able to be who I should but not who I am. I hate myself for being such a realist that I could not even lie to myself that I'm actually not okay. The fact that I'm such a hypocrite typical misanthropist that appears confident when I'm not. I do not need yet another person to tell me that I should be proud and happy of the decisive and rational mind I possess but it is me who is killing myself at this very moment. No, I am not suicidal by nature. The arrogance and ego that runs in my blood that is not supported by my pathetic shallow knowledge or manipulated intelligence and sky rocket rationale that shoves me down underground and ripping me off alive like pieces of filthy rags. I do not need another extra reason to keep being melancholy for I already am. Effortlessly. Another stereotypical fact that isn't gonna vanished just because I suddenly discovered that life is beautiful but sadly I'm living in a denial state and unable to face it.? No. Reality fucks me hard all the time, I do live in a crystal conscience of my own with all fugly scenes flying pass in front of my panda eyes.

I just chose to live it the way I really am.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

或许有时候, 蓝色并不是我想象中那么的 BLUE.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Die, died, dead, death.

Are you afraid of death.?

To some it may seems that death is a punishment for it puts an end to everything. Is it really so.? Death only puts a stop to the life you're living. To others where your existent matters so much in their life, it marks an entire different beginning for them. A life without you to go on with. Permanently.

Death is not punishment. It's a destination that everyone has to go at the end of the night. As dark it may seems, or how solemn it may sound, is the fear of death really that frightening?

What frighten humans most is the unknown. I've read somewhere that death is just as similar to birth. Just that human view birth as something beautiful as we're on this side of the portal and are able to see everything crystal clear.

As for death, it's in another side of the portal that's dark because we knew nothing about it at all. It remains a mystery, unknown and there's no way we can get any answers for it and when we did, it's already to late.

You're already dead.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Pissed

This is awfully bad.

I made a fool out of myself today by throwing my guts out and scold the whole class shut up. Quite a classic I should say.

Pisses me off to bits and pieces that I completely forgot the fact that there's about 100 person there which I still have to see them for at least 2 years?

Fantastic, I don't need idiots as classmates but given the fact that I'm not in a position to choose or whatsoever, I might just as well as shut myself up and swallow everything and get it over with.

Perhaps even better, keep to my usual blue self and don't give a damn about those around me and hence I don't have to engorge anything that I couldn't stand nor worth my humongous appetite.

Perfect, I'm treating those idiots as something edible that even me, an extreme food craving person with constant ravenous appetite would not even chose to even slightly smell.

Thou shall then retreat.

Don't give a fuck what I wrote, just merely ranting out of the norms.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Cut the queue!

This is an odd thing to do. To cut the line on purpose for the sake of observing responses of those who are being cut. And of course which include how their body posture changes, facial expression and if fortunately, some verbal response. Make that unfortunate in case we're face against one who throw unpleasant words.

But since that we're playing this scene inside the campus, most of those who are being cut just stares at us and throw us an unsatisfactory gaze from bottom to top but just kept quiet and made no move to cut back the line or even slightly protest.

Hmm, you can't exactly call them coward right.? It's just a normal response since cutting the line is already a trend well mingled in the society that we're just so used to it that we won't do much to it.

Even though we are hoping for some responses but certainly ain't asking for problems. We've done quite a few experiments and of course were worried of meeting someone who's in a foul mood and who knows might have some small actions or who knows what else.? It's still a public place after all.

Should I say we're quite fortunate that none do much but the most is just said that we cut their line and its their turn actually with a slightly unpleasant tone but nothing else.? Should we also say that we're unfortunate for our attempts are not that successful and hence bore not much results for our observation.?

I know this sound terribly odd but imagine our joy when there was a lady who look so mad and complaint to her friend while lightly tap our friend's shoulder and told him its her turn and in a well conserved manner and tone too. Of course, we're happy that finally we're getting a response besides the neutral it-doesn't-matter face and you can picture the look on their face when everything is over and we explained to them we cut the line on purpose to do some observation.

Yes, every single person who's our so called victim is granted with an apology and explanation by us. Well, there are some of the times where we have to chase them because they're normally slightly pissed but kept quiet and walked away rather quickly. Another way of telling us they're not happy or just trying to get rid of these no manners line cutting undergraduate students as soon as possible.?

And of course when you're just being cut in an ATM line and here comes a bunch of funny looking kids chasing after you, your mind might starts creating some wild imagination of what we might do to you. Sounds bull, but at the end, most of them usually have a confused or shocked look that's followed by a bashful smile upon our cheesy unpersuasive talk.

I shall say this is rather a funny thing to do. Quite interesting but also sometimes nerve wrecking. After all, there are certain people who has DON'T MESS WITH ME engraved in those scary eyes or sulky face.

Well, I guess there's still quite a majority of friendly or well mannered person in campus around. Let's just hope further experiments won't get us beaten up!

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Still feeling poetic

Alone I walked in vain,
I saw myself in a bloke.
Out he came from the train,
Oh, I pray its not a joke.

His gaze so sharp yet soft.
But a pretty boy he's not,
A face my brain had lost,
But in me, he marks a spot.

Not love at first sight I hoped.
Caught, in the mid of worldy myth,
For such thought so foolishly doped,
Not a mind for me to go with .

A virgin look, oh how inspiring,
But, the odd sense weirdly ends,
Hardly lasted, how unsurprising.
Quick as it came, same as it went.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Feeling poetic

Boiling hot as days swam pass,
Oh, my tanned skin almost melt,
My eyes are blurred from class,
And laziness is all I felt.

The wind was breezing cool,
It blows me off and thy quivered,
But dear purple shade is then pull,
And poor umbrella blown crooked.

The water was freezing cold,
It cruised down in vain and I froze,
I took a bath with a moth,
That stares at me on the whole.

Night falls with monkeys prowls,
Dear banana, where are thou.?
Flooded with the human howls.
Oh calming peace, how I sought.

And that's how it is,
Colourful and bored in ways,
Life in a lively campus,
Oh, lets just call it a day.

Monday, March 12, 2007

I like what I wrote, but I don't know what is it.

I've changed.? As that's what I've been told lately.? Not that I actually felt I did.? Does it matter then.? At least to me.? But I really love to know, have I.? Or simply I'm starting to reveal my true blue side to those around me.?

I do not mind being told I've changed, physically or mentally.

I won't get mad if you said I've put on weight. I am not bimboish enough too consider being called fat as the ultimate taboo of the lady community. Nor that I would consider those who did as committing the world biggest crime and deserve to be penalize for calling a lady fat.

I don't mind if you said I've became extra noisy or typically quieter than usual. I'm sorry if my nuisance had caused you extreme annoyance. I'm sorry if suddenly I'm too quiet and you felt repelled and withdrawn yourself from asking me tonnes of question nor dare to pour you usual self to me. I am here, even though I looked flown away to a place so far. Do not be deceived, I am still very fine.

I won't give a damn if you said I'm a straight forward bitch who stab you right in front and pierce you directly on the very untouchable black spot. I'll be glad that I'm able to look you in the eyes and be genuinely honest. But forgive me if I hurt you for I did it under good intentions, to wake you up by shoving the truth in front of your nose in a rather harsh way.

I'm sorry if I hurt you by being myself but I will not feel sorry for being who I really am. I would feel terribly sorry for you, if you couldn't be who you really are, for a reason so foolish and it wasn't even for you, but for others who doesn't and never would do the same for you. Nor would they ever realize what you not so secretly did. This is not noble, nor generous, but an idiotic act that no one appreciates but your foolish heart that brings no return but only further degradation and depression to the drowning you.

Wake up my dear soul, before its too late. If you think its worth it, by all means go for it. But if reality proves otherwise, perhaps the time have finally come to leave the dream that does not exist. You cannot live forever in a dream that's unproductive, it doesn't move and so are you. Life goes on, it does not wait. If you do not, time would bury you alive. Stranded in your very own non-existent utopia that will never be within your reach. How sad, yet you're only as good as a dead person.

Stop while you can. It just take a second to have the courage and be brave enough to go for it. Do not be shattered nor tempted to sink down, it is not wise, nor it is right. Grab this very second and go. Do not turn back, for its the front you're heading to. Do not even try to hesitate and doubt your obviously much better choice of route. Do not live life by walking in a reversed way, for it does not take long before you stumble upon a rock that befalls you. It is not wrong to look back for inspiration once a while, but do not ponder too long, for it had happened, and extra gaze doesn't unwind things. Nothing will, for we are just human.

You would not be labeled coward for not trying to tackle a dreamy challenge. You'll be the world class fool to attempt what's that beyond your reach for its not because you couldn't or shouldn't but because it can't be done and therefore shouldn't. It is not an abandoned challenge, it is not even qualified to be addressed as a challenge that push you further up with improvement, but rather a dead end that mislead you. For your so called wisdom, ego and self obsession had brought you on to a journey that provides no destination.

And thou shall know, thy possess no super powers nor magic to cast a spell that promises everlasting victory nor happiness.

So live life lively my dearest soul.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Update

The thing about doing environmental related courses is that you can never runaway from field work. A friend actually asked me what is field work.

Is it when you go outside to the field and work.?

More like we venture outdoors and usually those so called work include hiking hills, going in and out of the forest while spotting this and that species or even catching and collecting them. For research purposes of course.

But in our case, its just for us to make an appearance for attendance sake. Yes we do have fun while stepping over huge branches and pile of dead leaves and carefully avoiding any unwanted falls but then and again, its part of the course, the subject and well, get exposed to some sun light in a secondary forest accompanied by some insects bites. (By the way, just got back from short half day field work in UKM forest reserve)

Days had seem long and short and occasionally you felt its really not sufficient enough to complete what you're suppose to do or what you want. I find myself trying to make myself busy, but at the same time unwilling to commit what I had set for myself. I pile up the work and when the time comes, I chose to read a book or watch a movie instead of doing my work. Ah typical procrastinator.

Days has been blue as usual, thinking odd, accompanied by boiling hot weather, indulging in self pity, hiding my skeletons away. I do not need another comment that I've changed, or I'm weird again.

I already know I am. Thanks.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Who are you.?

Sitting in the front row looking high up the LCD screen in a freezing lecture hall full with 200 students suddenly reminds me that I never sat at the front row before, be it whatever lecture it is, or how big or small the lecture hall varied.

Even though I don't sit far away back, I just wouldn't sit at the front row. There isn't any obligations of why I don't, I just happen to be like that. I just don't.

Odd isn't it.?

I've known people who would called or named this as characteristics, or some might said, troublesome.

I was once told that my odd character is what makes me, me. What makes me special and stand out. I appreciate the comment, but the realist me thought, if spoken nicely would be character, if not, it would meant troubles, annoyance, obnoxious, yada yada.

It was then I found out, it was also my character that causes my attitude problem. Constant self evaluation doesn't exactly help me much, but it's better than not doing anything at all.

I believe every one has their own attitude black side that are either hidden beneath those perfect made up or genuine personality we show daily. There are also those who don't give a damn for we don't live for others but ourselves and why not be who you are and who you want to be.? No reasons to why we should hide our blacken side just to please people you don't like.

But sometimes it can't be done alone by yourself for yourself. You just can't avoid the fact that once a while, you need others aid.

I guess at the end of the night, no matter how many bullshits I crapped, it still comes to where its just not that easy. You do not hide your true self, nor do you show it to everyone. Time still slips in, when its necessary to be who you want to be, or who you need to be and of course, who you really are.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Super Mario

A lecturer of mine who's an associate professor that resembles an average size super mario character said that he hates English on the first day of his lecture. He claimed that English is stupid. Not that he's good with the language, at least not bad.

Another sarcasm from him was that he said he would like to be the Minister of Transportation so that he would be able to form a rule that bans all women from driving. He once again claimed that the female population doesn't know how to drive properly at all. Funny, careful and cautious driving and not to mention safe one too by us women is not the majority contributors to road accidents. HA!

After being booed by fellow course mates, ladies obviously, he continued by saying that he would also like to be the Minister of Education so that he could abolish the no smoking rule to all secondary school boys. According to him, this would solve the problem of student sneaking out to smoke in the washroom creating all the mess and no more cigarette butts will be dump into toilet bowls that caused plumbing problems.

Save plumbers fees, increase country revenues in ciggy's tax, increases medication revenues and decrease of population in country meaning more money for other citizens, not such a bad idea heh.?