Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Break

I never knew the colour blue is so addictive, or perhaps its the mind who's playing trick trying to manipulate me in turning to the gloomier side instead of the bright one.? Judging from my appearance, I'm indeed rather far from being labelled as blue but rather not so approachable. Or some would say I'm pale which I find ridiculous as I'm born with a tan skin but as being told, its because of the lack of facial colour combined with dry lips that make me look sick. How convenient. Will be throwing away all these bluedom for a day and hope they won't follow me all the way to my hopefully nice harvest getaway. I certainly don't need them.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Cold face

I was an ass. Again. Why do I never failed to hurt the person I love most? It's getting even worse because I could no longer show how much I regret nor how guilty I felt. Because I realise that my emotions now had became invisible. Extremely well hidden and unable nor willing to reveal itself.

Why doesn't it affect me even when I know more people would find out the real bitchy me.? Why wasn't I afraid that eventually I will end up in deep shit and who knows the stench alone is enough to suffocate me in the early stages?

Why does these idiotic traits of mine, thoughtless cold hurtful genes only comes out when faced with the one I actually loved and cared most.? To hide the fact of what I really felt.? To appear as if I never cared and hence it seems easy for me and hard for you in the beginning to accept that I am such an ass.? But it would be easy for you afterwards to let go and hate me as much as you want because of all the damage that I've caused. And in turn, I would live with it as long as I'm still breathing, for I chose the fool's path.

And why, it always turns out to be that when with someone who I don't give a damn about, I give a damn about what I say? But when with someone I give a whole damn about even though I never show it, I don't give a damn of whatever that comes out from my foul mouth that might cause any uneventful endings?

Why do my actions pretend to care so much of people I don't love nor care but does not care for the people I really do care.? Why am I being such a hypocrite to myself.?

The awfully sharp horrid mouth of mine obviously does more harm than good. It only lands me in trouble with the one I loved most because its the only place where I could be myself all I want which is where this unworthy character goes to its top and my shamefulness and guilt follow suit silently.

Am I no longer rational, nor sensible enough to know that what should be said, and what shouldn't be.? Perhaps I never learn nor knew of when to speak and what to be shared?

The younger me would face this in tears, sobbing hard because of feeling sorry for myself for hurting someone I dearly loved. The today me, can only bury these self hatred and accumulate the guilt that builds inside, unable to stimulate my tears gland to produce any drops due to the masked reality I lived in.

For now, I can only weep, through scenes of a non-living world of any shows that may have left me feeling touched, or warmed my cold dirty blood. Ironic, how reality could no longer melt this frozen heart, but a soapy story that does not exist and serves as a entertainment tool can wet my dry eyes.

I failed, to remain unblue. Am I then, unable to feel the reality with my own skin because it has grown incompatible with its living environment that suppresses my true feelings from emerging.? I am indeed having a huge mixture of feelings that's painfully confusing and slowly torturing me as time ticks away, but all that sits on my face now, is the emotionless eyes that hides a sulking soul.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Blue nuts.

I think I'm getting much weirder even though the blue trait is slightly fading to the background. Given the fact that I'm so damn free nowadays, my brain is practically free to wander around on unnecessary thoughts or even think about something that I actually refuse to in the beginning, or in other words, what I'm avoiding. The odd thing is, I don't. In fact, I don't actually think much these days. Not that there's anything for me to think, even if there is, it doesn't take long to sort things out and hence the end of another self brain discussion. But the reason that made me realise I'm getting weirder is because I've been talking to myself a lot lately, and mind you, it's out loud. Not self monologue, in fact I'm imagining situations and speaking out as a person in that particular scene I created within my little brain cells. It's like I'm putting myself in a fictitious drama and solving the problem inside the picture that I initially painted myself, like a practice for me or something if these little scene does happen one faithful day. Which of course is kinda odd because you create a problem for yourself to then solve it back on your own by talking to yourself like a mania. But somehow, all these talking-to-myself mode doesn't actually bother me that much or should I start worrying that I'm turning into a nut cracker or an extreme day dreamer imagining myself as someone else in some place different. And I didn't just grew these weird genes out of the blue, I've been spending my day time trying to complete a 4000 pieces jigsaw puzzle that's driving me up the wall where it is also during those minutes full of patience that allows me to talk to myself over and over again without worrying of being overheard. Not that it matters. HA! And running movie marathon by night time whereby these two nights is replaced by Heroes that's sending me the spooks and thirsty for more heroic blood. And I doubt, these two doesn't help at all in getting me more weird but much less blue. Ah, the odds and the ends mixing together.

Perfectio.

By the way, blog turns three today. Happy Birthday!

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Flightless wings.

I think I've mentioned quite a couple of times where when you're the baby of the family, you will always be.

Of course, the same applies to parents.

I remember there was once I was being the normal rebellious teenager and started shooting my mum for why is she treating me like a baby when I've already got full grown wings attached at my back, just that I haven't actually started to fly yet. I complained to myself that the more she ignores my wings, the more I can't wait to fly away. Far. Period.

And thinking back, I knew why I didn't spread out my wings and flew out that very instance or the many times I pissed my mum off so hard or when I was royally fucked a million times during those typically unreasonable mum and daughter strenuous moments.

You see, the thing is, I didn't knew how to fly yet. And even if I did try, I would just end up falling hard on the ground, crawling back to the usual comfy embrace that would never give up and always readily to mend me back.

Even though sometimes, you sense that they're slightly reluctant to do so. And all of these comes from the good intention of not wanting to see you get hurt again, or simply just to reduce the future injuries or damage you will come across when the day comes and you've flown. Selfish.? Who isn't.?

And I believe, even when they clearly knew that you can fly now, they still chose to ignored it when certain time kicks in. Even if you've already flew sky high and touched the clouds, you are still the same old kid and will always appeared as one to your same old parents.

You knew how my mum answered me calmly without yelling at me for once.? She said grandpa still talks to her the same way he did since the day she could remember how it was, the same old fatherly tone back when she was my age. =)

I guess there's just something that doesn't and will never change for good.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Boiled

The freaking hot weather is heating my guts out. It seems like my sweats gland are working over time, even when I'm sound asleep! I woke up every day with the back of my neck soaking wet and spend the rest of the day perspiring within the same four sided walls.

Right, that's about what my hometown feels like now.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Reflection

Few days ago when I was travelling with my parents, it struck me hard that it's been ages since I've been on a plane with dear dad. We've travelled together, but majority of them is road trip. And most of the time, we hang out on our own. As in we don't usually go everywhere together.

As for mom, I've always been to different places with her and we enjoyed each other company and even though I'm always throwing tantrums at her, hardly avoiding to not make her not pissed up. Trust me I do. But it's been a while, or perhaps never before that I, travelled alone with both my parents.

This time around, three of us spend most of the time together, and it brought me back to the time when I was alone in home with both of my parents only. When big sis and bro were still studying away from home, leaving poor baby sister struggling between two stubborn big grown ups.

Yes, no doubt where I inherited those obstinate genes?

Another thing is that, its not often that you're sharing a few days together in a small place where almost every single minute is spend together.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing, its rather inspiring and the different perspective opened are rather, indifferent. Extraordinary.

I mean, when you're at home, dad works, mom handle household stuff and you just play your role as a student, even if you're not, you go out or just hide in your little world or four walls in that tiny bedroom. Even when it's holiday, dad's not working you just either go out for a while or something.

But you don't spend the time in a same room together for many hours with practically nothing to do which obviously makes everything to seems longer? It's like it takes the needle forever to complete a full rotation and voila, an hour just passed around the clock.

It suddenly occurs to me that, this could be the last time I would be travelling alone with both my parents, no more time together in airport, no more staying in the same hotel room together, no more going every where with just the three of us.

It makes me feel old, that I'm no longer the small girl who can always prob mom with loads of questions when I'm bored, or cling to dad when someone bullied me.

But deep down, it tells me that I'm not the only one who's growing up, but my parents are no longer as young as I think they are.

I'm not saying they're old, but that it's time to be independent even though my siblings and I are pretty much able to stand on our own feets already since we're brought up that way. But to no longer need our parents to worry about us, or simply just let them loosen up a little when it comes to our well being.

But then, parents will always be parents, we kids, will always be kids to them. As for me, the baby of the family, will always appear as someone who wears a pacifier all the time.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Back

Call me lazy, or someone who can't even keep a simple small resolution, that's me.

The line was such an ass, or either blogger's server has been jinxed and it's utterly impossible to even get through the bloody dashboard page.

Am still rotting at home, spend a weekend in Miri that opens up my inner eyes to see and feel something that I haven't been able to get in touch with for quite a while. Rather inspiring but it left me feeling odd again.

Will write longer soon about the short trip and many more, I hope.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Roomie

What do you think of two guys who lived together in the same room for 9 months and hardly ever spoke to each other for more than 10 words.? They're not enemies, no boy fights nor any ugly scene before, they just didn't click, and never did. What about, when obviously they're not in good terms with each other, and being the fact that they don't actually talk, one had to text the other one just to tell him to lower down the speaker's volume.? And they're like in the same room and about a METRE away from each other?

Suddenly realised how much I love my roomie.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

As promised

Every time I came home, I come upon new things whether on the way back, or when I'm once again settled down in a place so familiar that even my blood can recognise it's very own scent.

These new discoveries, most of the time, draws a smile to my well hidden heart.

When things had started to head towards a favourable track, something that you never expected before to happen nor to change at all, is slowly shaping out beautifully. You gaze curiously at it and as return, you're greeted by a row of pearly white sparkling teeth as an answer to your doubt. Naturally, it erased those halos of question marks dancing above your head.

Tiny little actions that's hardly visible to those pedestrians that pass by our life's everyday. If you did not take a small break to breathe deeply before continuing, would you realised how much and how far things had changed since the day you left.? Or perhaps, since the day your rational mind had finally outgrown your instincts?

Visible alterations are not as valuable or meaningful as they may seem to be, especially to you who are currently growing within yourself. Being able to observe those tiny gestures that marks a great difference between each other are what that melts your stone cold heart and bring new hopes to you.

To really understand what's happening around you, and how they had managed to overcome each and everyone successfully while you're not here. To notice that such breakthrough whether mentally or physically they've achieved when you're away, tells you that not only you've changed, so did I.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Beginning

I told myself to not write any blue post for the entire month of May in an attempt to cure my blueness, and it reminded me that if I was cured, this blog would no longer be necessary.?

I was also reminded that life is not like the blackboard where when certain unfavourable things comes along, you can't just wipe it off or shut it away just like that, just because you don't like it and don't want it to be there. It will still, whether you like it or not, but do you ignore it as if its invisible or chose to take it as something that no longer causes your heart to flinch every millisecond it makes another red carpet appearance? Demanding for your attention to tear you apart?

I was also reminded that, unconsciously, this whole writing habit, has became a part of me. Times in our life when you felt you're stuck, unable to continue nor the light in our journey has suddenly ceased and you can no longer find where does the source of brightness comes from. Darkness creeps in, and its time to go look for another source again, to stop it or simply to re-lit the entire universe of yours. And these words provided it for me.

For the black hole will always be there, but at the end of the night, it is still up to you, to keep it that way, or add some shimmering light to it by writing more, having self induced therapy from here.?




I made a short resolution to write at least an entry a day, about anything. Just write.