Sunday, May 27, 2007

Cold face

I was an ass. Again. Why do I never failed to hurt the person I love most? It's getting even worse because I could no longer show how much I regret nor how guilty I felt. Because I realise that my emotions now had became invisible. Extremely well hidden and unable nor willing to reveal itself.

Why doesn't it affect me even when I know more people would find out the real bitchy me.? Why wasn't I afraid that eventually I will end up in deep shit and who knows the stench alone is enough to suffocate me in the early stages?

Why does these idiotic traits of mine, thoughtless cold hurtful genes only comes out when faced with the one I actually loved and cared most.? To hide the fact of what I really felt.? To appear as if I never cared and hence it seems easy for me and hard for you in the beginning to accept that I am such an ass.? But it would be easy for you afterwards to let go and hate me as much as you want because of all the damage that I've caused. And in turn, I would live with it as long as I'm still breathing, for I chose the fool's path.

And why, it always turns out to be that when with someone who I don't give a damn about, I give a damn about what I say? But when with someone I give a whole damn about even though I never show it, I don't give a damn of whatever that comes out from my foul mouth that might cause any uneventful endings?

Why do my actions pretend to care so much of people I don't love nor care but does not care for the people I really do care.? Why am I being such a hypocrite to myself.?

The awfully sharp horrid mouth of mine obviously does more harm than good. It only lands me in trouble with the one I loved most because its the only place where I could be myself all I want which is where this unworthy character goes to its top and my shamefulness and guilt follow suit silently.

Am I no longer rational, nor sensible enough to know that what should be said, and what shouldn't be.? Perhaps I never learn nor knew of when to speak and what to be shared?

The younger me would face this in tears, sobbing hard because of feeling sorry for myself for hurting someone I dearly loved. The today me, can only bury these self hatred and accumulate the guilt that builds inside, unable to stimulate my tears gland to produce any drops due to the masked reality I lived in.

For now, I can only weep, through scenes of a non-living world of any shows that may have left me feeling touched, or warmed my cold dirty blood. Ironic, how reality could no longer melt this frozen heart, but a soapy story that does not exist and serves as a entertainment tool can wet my dry eyes.

I failed, to remain unblue. Am I then, unable to feel the reality with my own skin because it has grown incompatible with its living environment that suppresses my true feelings from emerging.? I am indeed having a huge mixture of feelings that's painfully confusing and slowly torturing me as time ticks away, but all that sits on my face now, is the emotionless eyes that hides a sulking soul.

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