Sunday, June 03, 2007


I was only 10 but I could still remember clearly all the juicy little details of that very small challenge I took up just to prove to the two Malay boys that sat beside me. I wanted so much to show them how I could really do what I claimed I could and even the kiddo me wanted to win so much. Of course they do not believe I could, after all it doesn't seem real since I was never a cry baby in school except for that tiny little six year old weeping show.

It seems like bullshit for them, I'm surprised that I still remember their name and how they look 11 years ago. I could even recall how I impressed them by really crying for no reason just because I said I can and they say I can't.

And that what was drive me to prove it that I can get all teary without any reason at all, just like that. Of course, I won. Tears dropped, they were surprised but I wonder did they actually suspect how I did it? Or perhaps they assume I just cried because I said I would.?

Actually, I cheated.

I didn't really cry. Yes there was tears that flow and they're not fake. They were gone in a while, but they were real and did the trick where these two little friends of mine bought it completely. At least that's what I think back then, to think of it now, its rather humouring.

The fact is, I yawned. With my mouth closed. It was hideous and sneaky. And because my mouth were tightly closed, the little pulling intense or tension that's so obvious around my jaw, makes it look even more like that I was indeed crying.

It seems ironic to me now. To think that I can cry whenever I want just because I feel like it. To be able to weep when I'm sad so that I'll feel better after that. But now, it's worse than being just sad, a feeling that cannot be described by using words alone for being unable to cry even though I'm genuinely sad with tears streaming down within.

People want to be happy. They have no problem crying over their unhappiness or even when they're too happy. But I, I want to be able to cry because I'm sad not because I'm touched over a true story turned blockbuster.

I want to cry for real. Not only tears stimulating yawn, not only heart warming dramas that made me weep like hell.

Will you help me cry.?

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