Saturday, August 25, 2007

Friday, August 24, 2007

I'm not blue.

When was the last time I actually sat down, stare at my reflection from a mirror, and ask myself if I'm happy.?

When was the last time I actually self evaluate my current condition and all those wacky things around me happening at the same time.?

In fact, when was the last time I actually sat down quietly, doing nothing.?

Enjoying the moment of being an idiot without doing anything at all and actually feel good about it.?

To think of it, it wasn't that long during those hibernating days back at home.

Life is chasing me, and time is haunting me by flying over without even realising it. It's like going to bed everynight without actually knowing what I've done today. The only thing that my brain registered was I'm exhausted and I need to sleep NOW!

I couldn't even remember what was my last meal, or who I met during the day and what I said to them.

Everything is completed in a rush without stopping a second or two to think twice.

Is this good.? Or bad.?

Again, there's no exact definition for it.

I might be living in such blur state that I hardly knew what's actually happening, but then again, if I wasn't keeping myself busy, there would be nothing for me to do and I would felt like a useless person wasting time day by day.

Hmmm...the odds and the ends.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Life fucked.

Life sucks.

Who's doesn't?

It's practically a FACT that I believe most people won't even take a split second to doubt about its authenticity. Well at least not to misanthropists and of course cynics.

The truth is, you'll be surprised at how often this two little words are uttered among ourselves. It might not sound significant, I don't blame it. After all, its a rant so common that none of us are actually not used to it.

Well unless you've been living around carefree people in a really really loving environment where accidentally stepping on an ant and causing its unfortunate death is the greatest crime of all, I'll zipped my mouth.

As ugly as reality may seem to be, there's practically nothing we could do to make it more beautiful. We're only left with the option to not allow all life's nasty little tricks to threaten us as much as they propose to do.

Reduce its impact to as low as possible before we're really fucked up?

But in the end, we're still moaning on how life sucks, how life had really screwed us. What can we do but get used to it.?

For life is always full of uncertainties that most of the time turns out to be a monster trying to eat us alive. Just like the scary bed monster we fear so much when we were little, crawling out from under while we're far away in piggy's dreamland.

Is there really nothing we could do? But just learn to accept it better, how to handle it without creating such a havoc contaminating our life on a daily basic.?

With these naturally occurring suicidal factors happening at about every consecutive second, just how much can one actually be able to absorb it.?

I do not believe we have a bottomless heart that can continuously receive life's many hideous acts upon us. Nor do I believe our mind are impermeable to constant ugly scene playing over and over again.

I believe there is a limit of tolerance that sooner or later will be on the verge of breaking point that's out of our reach and its either fatal or simply too fucked up that its completely irreversible.

I only believe that the more grey hairs we have, the more flexible we became in responding life's many aspect. Whether a pretty sight, or an awful one. Old saying, you learn as you grow, you just didn't realise it. It's life's natural way of defending yourself against life's other nature fuck up way.

The choice to sit back and do nothing and let life drag you further down since no matter what you do, life still sucks and it won't stop screwing you.

Or to take the advantage and act against it. On being unable to stop life's quirky little act but not allowing it to fuck you just because it wants too.?

It's pretty simple you know. It's like how most people wants to get the best out of you without you consenting it. Of course, there's nothing you could do to make them not feel it, its normal you know, for being materialistic. Wanting to give nothing, but to have everything. But it doesn't mean you're obliged to do it, just because someone wants to.

See.? It isn't that hard to understand, just that the sad thing is its completely different from actually applying it.

Sigh

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Time

To everything there is a season,
And a time to every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pull up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, and time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose;
A time to keep; and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Be still and listen

You have to understand that you are a recipient as well as an actor in the world. Silence is a healer. In silence, it's as if your nerves get a chance to reposition themselves to attend: to pay attention, which is what a poet must do from the very beginning. You can start clean, with your sensibility refreshed, ready to receive whatever is coming-whatever messages the universe is sending. It can be just the noise of a bird. Or it can be the message the universe needs to send you about a complete change of direction. But you can't hear either till you sit still and do nothing.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Forgive me

I fucking hate public transport.
I fucking hate my hostel.
I fucking hate idiots.
I fucking hate to swear.
But I just fucking had to.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Broken Kite

I felt completely hopeless, shattered and unable to do anything to make it better. To ease the pain that pierces directly into its heart, to throw away all the sorrows that's deeply buried, to free it from the tight grasp that no one is able to even slightly loosen it. There's nothing I could do, there's nothing you can do, we can just sit while the kite soars in the sky, flying higher and higher waiting for it's time to come. And when it does, there we are, watching the sad scene, as the thread untwist itself and slowly breaks, disconnected. There goes the other half, drifting senselessly to the ground, hardly noticeable while the piece of colourful diamond shaped paper floats in the sky to a place no one knew, fate undetermined, waiting to be found, rescued.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Lonely walks

As much as I hate public transport, I loved the moments of small short walks that brings me to certain destinations, alone.

I enjoy the company of my broken umbrella, the silence that walks with me, the exposure of the surrounding environment seems to be whispering straight to my ears, words of comfort in the form of wind and sometimes, direct sunlight. The company of certain strangers that I find rather interesting, yet so far away for me to embraced.

And on top of that, my mind is free to wander to anywhere it desires. When there's not anyone with me at that moment, no current attachment that lingers to my every single movement nor words that comes out from my witty mouth. And again, the beauty of it is that my mind is set free to drift to any aspect that it favours without having to feel the sense of responsibility. Nor is there any necessity to feel guilty if suddenly, some twisted idea suddenly pops out that for sure is not getting any nods.

The bright side of a quiet sanctuary that one could only crave so much, for night falls and darkness announces itself whether we like it or not.

As much as one love to be alone, or as much as on longed for a companion, there are time when during these loneliness that you hope someone could be just there to listen or for you to blab to so the air won't be so still, so quiet, so dead.

There also the time when you feel like digging a gigantic hole and just dive in and hide from the rest of the world, to have no eyes seeking for you, no fat fingers pointing at you. And you just feel free to render in the little world of your own, undisturbed.

Somehow, it still freaks me out. Certain distance where there's just weird looking strangers that gives me the creeps. Always reminding myself to use my elbow in case some maniac decided to grab me from behind. And I actually wrote this on the way back to hostel in the bus, alone. Isn't exactly the prettiest memory one could get, especially after the beautiful record of UKM's hijacked bus, I'm not thrilled. At all.