Friday, December 12, 2008

爱上下雨的味道。。。

在充满乌云的一片黑天,
当天门一打开,
漂亮的眼泪都留下来了,
雨,总会带着一股奇怪的味道。

雨天,中都让人感觉沉默,
蓝蓝的天空, 已不再一样了。
太阳,都把自己躲起来,
天,也灰了。
白云,在也看不见,
留下的,只是一群乌云。
掉下的雨泪,碰上了土地,
就制造了一种味道。

到最后,总是无法了解,
为何在沉默满满的小空间,
自己,却爱上那奇怪的香味。

Friday, December 05, 2008

黑或白?

One took a desperate turn,
It wasn't dark,
Nor was it bright,
One still could trip,
If a step is missed,
Do not try to skip,
For the plunge is deep,
Too big a fall,
To risk it all.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

失败者的飞翔

你知道吗 听你说话
我只需要听你说话
在你的声音中
安全得让我害怕
这是一个 快乐的警告
警告我别想逃
这个特别的时刻
判断绝不会是你想要
你的温柔 包围
而我像个没人爱的傻瓜
你的影子巨大
像喧嚣的脏话
在一片欢乐的景像之中
我却觉得勉强
在离别的前夕
找不忧伤的台阶下
你承认吧
你也想要体验英雄般的夸张悲壮
来不及为你歌唱
你潇洒而昂扬
在一片荒凉的景像之中
我却觉得晴朗
让我为你飞翔
在你残破的天空之上
让我为你飞翔
在你残破的天空之上
让我听你说话
给我肩并肩的拥抱


陈绮贞

Friday, November 28, 2008

Monday, November 03, 2008

Disconnected

And emo strucked, again. Unexpected, uninformed, unannounced, uninvited. Yet unsurprising. It was strong, but it wasn't clear. It wasn't only tinted, but darker than usual. If one was to be emotionally unwell, but yet could not feel what was the emotion, is one still sick then.? Or simply, disconnected? The black hole of the unknown, runs so deep that it excites me as much as it saddens me. All those that can or cannot be felt, the fear of emptiness, or the fear of uncertainty? Locked in a cage, with infinite questions, that none wants to answer. The self inflicted pain, that fills one heart, is enough to drown a soul.

Is that not enough?

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Good Day Everyone

I wanted to write a lengthy post yesterday, in fact I was rather inspired. It wasn't difficult considering there was a need to launch into a vulgar ranting mood after being confined to a horrendous 2 hours of brain washing seminar. Somehow as easy as those words form themselves inside my brain, it seep away pretty quickly too. Evaporated into the thin air just like that, replaced immediately by what come next on my to do list of the day. Not that I actually kept one, I never do. Well, I'm not good with following list.

But lets give it a try, at least a word or two?

You see, my friend and I receive a rather flattering call. A pleasant surprise one would say as its not exactly an everyday thing, nor was it directed to every one. So since we're swelled up with curiosity, we decided to take a look. On how this career talk might be able to perhaps help us a little or worst come to worst, we can just walk out and just have a laugh about it. Period.

Be it that it was me, or my friend or simply the speaker was completely unable to contain my span of attention, I don't know. I find it slightly tormenting to sit through 2 hours of plain money talk given by someone speaking heavily accented manglish.

No, I'm not being mean or insulting, or perhaps its just me. Bored to death about his stories on how financial planning has gotten him and her and him and her and who else that far, I find it not as aspiring as the other audiences does, and occupied myself by texting and then, I discover something much more fulfilling. That's when I decided to pin point all the loopholes in his speech instead. Marking it myself, well at least we'll have a better laugh later. And surprisingly, I find them to be ridiculously plenty, though my friend and I seem to be the only one to catch that.

And I find that rather interesting, not to mention entertaining. At least for myself. I know it's a little disrespectful, but it was my sole and only working effort of trying to not snore in a room full with attentive listening final year students and of course, those funny looking fellas all suit up in this boiling weather. So much for retaining their company's reputation.

I wonder what approach is this, considering its coming from a giant insurance company where you can find their name plastered to a particular Formula One race car. And after having sat through those miserable two hours of awfully-money-minded-brain-washing-so-called-career-talk, I find myself rather improving in the quest of mistake seeking in one's speech.

It's hard not to, what with the constant fighting of dozing off, and finding him twisting facts that nobody else notices seems to be the only reason I have yet drifted away. But hey, but maybe its just me.

Though I just can't help it but wonder what is that they're thinking, starting from young perhaps? Why not first years then since the outcome is supposedly as promising as it is part time, or full time?

In case you're wondering, no, they aren't recruiting blood sucking insurance agents. They're just simply randomly picking students from different faculties with god knows completely unrelated major, (such as me?) to so called give us the first hand account on the route to earn fast, and alot, alot of fat cash. Oh, and the correct term is, potential future financial planner. We're not just insurance agents you know.



p/s: I don't snore, its just a metaphor. XD

Friday, October 17, 2008

So take a look.

I find it odd that everytime I'm about to write something, the first line that comes into my mind is, " It's been a while since I wrote"

Ironic isn't it.

It's interesting how so many things can happen in such a short period. Sometimes things were going so fast you didn't even realise it was actually moving.

Does it feel like, every other things and everyone else is going at this pace, but not you?

It feels even more indifferent when instead of being apart of your own life, you felt like a spectator watching your life story playing in front of you. Featuring some stranger that unbelievably looks like your long lost identical twin, yet so different in some ways that cannot be explain. Is it possible for one person to be so much alike yet completely different too at the same time?

Time seems to have frozen while everything just flies through without even saying goodbye. Or perhaps, it is not time that had stop, but yourself. Remaining stationary in a hideous emotional spot, unintended, unwilling, unable, to take the long awaited bow, or even move a step away from it.

Spending every second available trying to keep up with every tiny little things that is happening simultaneously, and at the end of the day, maybe, you'll feel some relief and perhaps a wee bit of satisfaction that you have fully utilized your day.

But sometimes, somehow, when you reach a point, you realise, you were so busy catching up with everything else that you forgot where you were already. Focusing in staying where you are and completely forgetting that there's no one left here, but yourself, wallowing in a pool of bottomless self-pity.

Trying perhaps a little too hard to not leave and keep tracks with everything happening in the world, causing your own world to be abandoned. Alone its own little miserable corner, waiting for it's own master to come to it at least, even if its just for a moment, or two.

If you have finally come to the stage where you realise you're losing track of yourself, perhaps you should stop? And let everything falls into its own place? Without giving an extra push? Or at least just for a day?

Maybe for once, you can actually play your own role in the story you're watching. And this time, as the main character, not an audience.

Can you?

Friday, October 10, 2008

I fell, again.



I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along


Glen Hansard - Falling Slowly

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Gone

Perhaps, it's only me.

Or perhaps, I just couldn't do it.

Can't or won't?

Then intention, the desire, the will, does exist.

Yet I do not know how. Even if I do, will I?

My conscience is delaying it, acknowledging its barren existence.

That it's gone.

Never to come back. Nor return.

Yet, I am still holding on to it. Perhaps, a little too tight.

Can I blame myself to grasp so hard?

For there is not much left to hold?

Though there wasn't many to begin with.

And I fear it will all be gone.

For some already did.

Lost, forever.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Rice plus water

Friend: What you had for breakfast?

Me: Porridge.

Friend: What you had for lunch then?

Me: Porridge?

Friend: Okay...What about dinner ?

Me: Porridge.

Friend: Supper? (Hesitate for a second, chuckles and) Wait, let me guess, porridge?

Me: -.-

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Unresolved

I need time, to think.

To write, to put my feelings into words that make sense, or don't.

To bring out what was suppose to be laid on the table eons ago.

To reach out to parts of me that even me myself cannot reach.

To feel it physically, to express all that I actually felt deep down.

To push myself, not forward, but simply from falling back down, again.

To tell myself, it is time to resolve what needs to be resolve.

To force myself, to not withdraw again.

To not hide, or postpone even if it's done consciously.

Somehow, to put yourself in dark hole, waiting for the ultimate moment, when the time is finally ripe for doing what has to be done seems rather ironic. Everything was done under your very own conscience, the delay, the anticipation that you rather not have, the dreading minutes you hoped so much would just fly by unnoticed. But they won't, they never do, and never will.

So live with it.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Friday, September 05, 2008

Not as we

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain

Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense for now
I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as i
And not as we

Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand

Feign brave with steel intent
little and hardly here

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
with not much making sense just yet
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as i
And not as we

Eyes wet toward
Wide open frayed
If God's taking bets
I pray He wants to lose

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense just yet
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Do you?

We've always hoped for difficult times to pass faster. The common phrase of how one wished tomorrow will come sooner, so you don't have to continue or face the bad day you're having now.

But what if the bad day, are days? And never seem to cease?

Do you just shut your eyes and silently pray for a saviour? Or simply turn around and seek for another light, or the slightest sign that signifies the beginning of the end of those endless dreadful long days?

Or do you just grit your teeth and put up a smile, even if its fake, and face the rest of it like everyone else?

Of course, you're always allowed to rant, to complain, to curse as much as you like, if it really helps with all those bypassing, why not? But does it really?

Or do you actually try and accept everything? No matter unpleasant, how forceful you have to be, how difficult it is to even look at it, yet you brace yourself with courage and go for it?

You move forward, you looked back once in a while, and stopped for a second to ponder on that very quest you took.

You hesitate, perhaps a minute too long. To continue the route you chose? Or to go back?

What if you can't? That once you left, there is no return? Whether because its a one way road, or simply because you can no longer make the effort? Even just to take a few more steps?

It's depressing.

Yet, when we can, did we?

Did you? Perhaps you should now?

Monday, August 11, 2008

And I fall in love with you =)

Frank Sinatra: My Way

And now, the end is here
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I'll say it clear
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain
I've lived a life that's full
I traveled each and ev'ry highway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way

Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall and did it my way

I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill, my share of losing
And now, as tears subside, I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say, not in a shy way,
"Oh, no, oh, no, not me, I did it my way"

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels and not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows and did it my way!



Yes, it was my way

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

走吧。。。

It's weird. How it felt, how it came, how it happened, how every tiny little pieces fit yet it still broke. And can it be rescued?

Doesn't seem like it.

But then again, how does one save a damsel if she likes her distress?

You try and try and try to ran away from it, to hide, to bury everything, just so you can escape from the fugly reality.

For one second, you did. Everything was perfect.

Nothing seems impossible. Even the stars shine twice brighter and is actually within your reach.

But when everything goes back to normal, when the black sky turns reddish from contamination, when you can't even locate Mars on a gorgeous night, everything came crashing in.

The darkness that never ends, the reality you try to forget, the life you tried so hard to live, the face you try to ignore, every tiny little sad perk came chasing you down the road right after you re-emerged from under your bed.

Yes, it was safe, it was fun to hide from those pointy fingers and blood-starring eyes and for once, let go of yourself from all those tight grasps that was suffocating you.

Yet, when you returned from the little escape, instead of feeling better, or even breath easier, you realise, the world is darker than the one you left earlier, reality seems more uglier and those problems you tried so hard to diminish seems to be a few steps closer to you then they were before.

So what if you ran? You still have to come back one day, for better or worse.

No, its between bad or worse.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Am I cold?

Yesterday was cold.
Today is cold.
Will tomorrow be cold?
Are you cold?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I smell like sulphur

It's odd but somehow after two months of volunteer work, I still have a problem talking bout it, even if it's in the sense of random rambling.

Perhaps because it was so ordinary that I find not quite inspiring and just took it as an everyday thing. Okay so it was interesting in certain parts, but still, not quite up to to talk about it in an interestingly charming way.

And coming back to the same study environment, well not exactly the same with some minor changes here and there which sadly is pretty uncomfortable though completely adjustable.

And there goes another cycle of semester going on.

It's weird how we adjust to the inevitable, even weirder at how well we are in adapting to changes even in just a few seconds.

And as of today, I just can't say how suited I am to this new place or how well am I doing with it.

Somehow it felt like, all this while I'm just trying to adapt, to fit in, and nothing else.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Lost half my mind

It's amazing how tiny little things that goes around our daily life could affect us in a million tiny little ways. As much as we chose to ignore or take them for granted all the time, when they decided to make their grand red carpet entrance, we pretend that it really shocked us, and suddenly heavy storms seems to be rocking our calm ocean.

Perhaps we weren't pretending, we were genuinely surprised that such minute issue could turn our world upside down in less than sixty seconds.

The sad thing is, it wasn't even a new thing to begin with. The only difference is that you actually start noticing it because of the constance ignorance that causes its explosion. Or perhaps, the simple fact that you never even realised its presence before the major incident? Even if you do, well its not important enough to be notice, care, or even acknowledge its mere existence.

Who's to be blame then, when the world unfortunate circumstances finally brings it up to the surface, not only it carries along the darken event, but the fact that it actually exists and was there since before you were born.

But does it really matter then? To discover the culprit? Or even that there is actually one? Is it definite then, that there is always an evil architect behind those stained events?

It is indeed rather enlightening, once it happened. Completely out of the blue, extraordinarily interesting and in some crooked way, it excites us despite all those vengeful ranting of the sudden rapid down fall.

The queer feeling itself, I believe came from the curiosity of a certain unknown element that has been there for quite a while, simply unannounced.

It does not require our recognition, nor our attention. It has settled in a position that is comfortable in both direction, a symbiosis relationship where one prefers to ignore, while the other prefer to be ignored, lying low until its been found, at the ultimate dangerous minute.

And this in itself, carries a scent of uncertainty that weave itself among the common people and here an interest is born. The desire to know, to explore, to discover the unknown that has long been buried by our own conscience.

The well accustomed habit of shoving it to the background of what that might seems unimportant at that moment suddenly seem to magnify it's significant to an unforgivable extent.

And now, here comes the time to rediscover those that we have hidden ourselves.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

August Rush

Sometimes the world tries to knock it out of you.

But I believe in music, the way that some people believe in fairy tales.

I like to imagine, what I hear came from my mother and father.

Maybe the notes I hear, are the same as they heard, the night they met.

Maybe that how they found each other, maybe that's how they'll find me.

I believe that once a upon a time, long ago, they heard the music and followed it.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Maliangin


I've never had the habit to talk about what's really happening in my daily life, I find it rather odd to describe my daily activities. In the sense that maybe somehow I deem it not interesting enough, or perhaps I just don't see the necessity of writing it on the net. Or I simply don't want to talk about myself here. Even though its ironic considering it is my daily encounters that inspired what I write here.

Perhaps I should make an exception. After all, how bad could it be? Or at least an attempt?



I just got back from a remote island that is quite undeveloped and unexplored, but not undiscovered. An island where there's no more than 10 wooden houses where the main water supply comes from a well and electricity are only available by using a generator set brought from another nearby island. With hardly any shade around that awarded me a new uninvited tan or sun burn, rewards from extreme UV exposure, its still surprising what I came to discover over a working weekend.


The experience of having a boat ride in a rough weather fearing it would capsize any moment. At the same time wondering what will happen if it does and reminding yourself that you should not be that negative and when everything turns out to be fine, you find it exciting and a daring act though not keen to repeat it. Or to find it extremely exciting to sit on the top of a speed boat bunk with total exposure and no security at all for a 20 minutes ride in the middle of the ocean. Even though I did not loosen my grip on the rail even for one second throughout the entire journey, I still manage to have fun.


That the ultimate highlight of a day full of excitement, surprises, discovers and disappointments was how dangerous it was but still rather enjoyed it very much and realising how fortunate that I did not just slipped and plunged into the ocean. And how foolish I was.



To discover that a generally doomed community by the world outside can be completely different than what it really is when you had the opportunity to interact with them, even if it's just for a short period. That there are still people out there that do not take things for granted despite the materialistic world we live in.



How I can be blinded by what I thought I admire can be quite the opposite and instead of feeling disappointed, I felt rather sorry for what was then my interest. And that not only how different things can turn out to be, that a perception of a lifetime can be ruined by a tiny little exposure to a particular less admirable reality





To bring myself to believe and discover the importance of learning and adapting other people's culture and not too quick to judge especially if it is something we're totally unfamiliar with, not to mention completely new too.


That to deem yourself as a better person than others and compare without any certainty nor understanding of the actual facts nor putting yourself in other people's shoe before the bold comments that was so easily uttered could stain a clean record indefinitely. Permanently too.

To understand how people can be different from yourself and not criticize nor compare but learn the differences before sentencing them because of their indifference from ours. And it does do you well to show some respect and not discomfort or obvious disgust just because it does not meet your expectation.



And also again I discover what a gigantic hypocrite I am, the ability to hide my feelings well in front of people I despise which ironically contradict with my usual character of voicing out my opinion regardless of how blunt it may sound. Perhaps there really are people that makes us withdraw from our very own self.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Want vs Should

Despite the fact that I consider myself quite a narcissist and arrogant person, I can still be distracted by the slightest confusion. To the extent that I could spend hours and even days thinking about the same old thing.

Even weirder is that not only I kept running over it in my mind about what I should do and what I want to do, I've actually made a decision about it eons ago.

Yet I kept replaying it, allowing it to drag me further into unnecessary confusion and doubts.

I believe that most of us have somehow a rough idea or even a clear mind on what we decide to do, yet we could not trust ourself with it that we look for other resources to confirm our thoughts or even strengthen it.

To gain reassurance to make ourself feel better? Or simply to boost our confidence? Or perhaps, just to hear what we want and expect to hear from those we seek advices from?

But what if what was said or returned wasn't what we wanted to hear? And instead of making us feel better, it makes it worse?

Are we then left with a dampen spirit instead of a lightened one?

What does one do then? To be further influenced? Or finally stand firm on our own feet on what we have decided much earlier that have pretty much been thickened and tarnished at the same time?

What do you do then?

To act on yourself or others that you have desperately reach out for?

Sunday, May 18, 2008

It's always gonna be there.

Do you go to bed every night hoping for a better day tomorrow? I find it indifferent. Yet it is perfectly acceptable to hope and not unusual at all.

Hope itself is a beautiful thing, and it's always brought together with faith.

I find my own conscience sinking, heart drowning in my own lost of hope. Faith that have gone to a place so far it seems impossible to the pessimist me to even attempt retrieving it.

It is sad. It's never a merry thing. I believe its even worse to be perfectly clear about it, but not capable of feeling it. Not even the slightest bit.

Recently, a family friend passed away. When my mom mentioned her obituary, not only I couldn't recall who she was, when I did, I was shocked, and felt a little pity, for probably a minute. Or less so.

This is not good.

How could I be so heartless.?

Has emotion abandoned my heart?

Or did my heart really emptied on its own?

Time is suppose to heal, but what if there was no injury or damage to recover from.?

Or perhaps what that heals is not time?

Time is simply to make things easier as you learn to accept, to deal and finally face it no matter how hideous it was.

It does not necessarily make the wound or scar disappear forever.

You just learn to ignore it better and be less affected by it.

And when you least expect, you don't even realise there's actually a scar there.

No matter how visible it was, it is now invisible.

At least to your eyes.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Don't wait..

When hope fails, an end comes.

I watched you went through torment everyday, the tears that flow as if it has replace water that you should consumed. Yet, the hope that shattered, the miracle that as usual did not make their grand appearance, is not unexpected.

No, it wasn't assumed to be so, but only a blind one could not tell what awaits them if they continue to stroll that road that you once so obstinately refuse to stop.

The picture was right before your eyes, yet you could not bring yourself to look at it, to understand what it meant.

Or perhaps you do, yet you clung on foolishly on the darker side, in wishing for a brighter outcome. And there, it began.

I witnessed the self destruction program you opted for yourself. Yet I could not say a word, for it is none but your choice. You took it hoping for a better tomorrow, yet tomorrow never comes.

Even if it does, it will not be better one. Not because it is destined to be bad day, but because your mind is clouded by the only thing you have in mind. And for the rest, it is nothing but another torturous day to live by while you wait, and wait for a boiled egg to hatch.

I pity you, your actions make me sad. Yet, I have not the heart to tell you. The hideous truth behind the utopian wall, for I believe you already knew it. If time is what you need to face the sad and ugly reality, then time you shall have. As long as you do not drown in the time that slowly ticks away, painfully.

And I will remember you in my prayers.

Friday, May 02, 2008

Do you not know?

It does not do well, to dwell in the pass. Much more, only those commonly known to hurt, was what one so blindly choose to retain within it's grasp. Strong hard clutch that one do no want to loosen, not even slightly. For so afraid you were of what it might caused. Be it that as it was, what else are left? For what that should not been forgotten, is lost, forever. And still one does not have the courage to abandon it, and allow the grieve to continue, mourn over a death that was so long ago, for the ashes itself has fully diminished to a land that none know. Yet, for as long as one hold on, it can still be called hope, even if it's already dead, buried deep six feet beneath us. What does it take, to wake one from a deep sleep full of nightmares, to be free from the doom that they so foolishly cast upon themselves? But do not be troubled or blinded by the darkness you unwarily condemned yourself to. For even the thickest foundation can be penetrated, by the slightest temptation, for once it went astray, I fear there is no turning back, for a new route now opens, right before your eyes. It is none, but yours, for which to take. But perhaps, to sway a little, just a little, from the road that was deemed right, could indeed bring new life to the hopeless one. For yet, we may not know.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Self Infliction

It took courage and requires one to remain ignorant. Regardless how ugly it may turn out to be. A stand chosen and one will not succumb to petty temptation that's hardly even worth it. Yet the influences the thrash may cause. Or is one simply that easily affected by unworthy variables?

That I do not know. I watch, I observe, I evaluate, and what I found out about the one is rather queer. Trying a little to hard to shed its wrongly earned reputation that was given by people who couldn't care less.

If that's so, why give a damn to care bout things that's bound to hurt if you put your foot in it? More over, why care for something you shouldn't care? Or perhaps, indeed deep down you don't care at all?

Or worse, you do care, yet you act as if you don't? To provide yourself with a non existent security blanket that's oddly visible to the eyes of those who don't care about you?

What is the point then? To waste time, energy, brain cells and even your heart, in figuring how to camouflage yourself in front of people who's not only not worth it, but don't give a shit?

The thing is, we spend so much effort in proving to people who does not matter to us just because they have bias thoughts about us that's probably untrue anyway. Give it if its true, its only for own account and why do you have to own up to something or someone when you're acting on behalf of yourself? Especially when that decision revolves around yourself only, and does not affect others?

People try and try, to ignore, to appear fine because they do not want to be easily influenced despite what's influencing them ought not to be.

The irony of people, to not want to care bout matters that's not worth it, yet they always let it cloud over them.


Are you one of them?

Sunday, March 30, 2008

热死啦!!

The sky is smiling,
My lips is cracking.
The sun is blazing,
And I'm melting.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Dying

If only you could see the tears through my words,
The heart that cries while you sleep,
That no one hears, while one bleeds to death,
For one did not die, only the soul which no longer exists.
Yes, it has shattered, by the mere simplest act,
The only one that none could blame,
For the act itself, is to not act.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

NIAP

If I have a heart, it would have been broken by that precise moment. I saw the tears glistening in its eyes, slowly filling its eye cloak. As I watches every single drop, I could see the pain. The sadness in those eyes that once used to twinkle, those silent tears slowly dripping down the beautiful sad face which no longer glows. As if what's left was only sorrow, in this black little world.

Oh I know how it would feel, how its suppose to be, how the heart is slowly being torn apart, pieces by pieces, even if done gently. But yet, I would never truly understand how the pain feels, for I myself is unable to feel. I can only watch, as it continued being haunted by the emptiness that's suffocating it.

It disturbed me that I could do nothing to cease the pain, and just stood there watching more tears falling down. I do not know what to do, I know it's badly hurt, feeling awfully bad, in dire need of help. Yet, how am I suppose to sooth it, when I do not know how pain really feels?

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Smile

Melissa and her five year old daughter:

One day while we were driving somewhere, my daughter said, " I know how cars work....God's son, Jesus has a remote control and he makes everyone's car go straight."

I said, "That's a cute idea, honey, but if Jesus is controlling the cars with a remote, how come people get into automobile accidents?"

She answered immediately, "That's when God tells Jesus, 'Come here!' And he leaves the remote on the couch and doesn't watch it.

Friday, March 07, 2008

黑洞里的一瞬光。。

Can you see the light,
At the tunnel's end?
In the great darkness,
Where no life dwells?
Yet something shines,
And who but you,
Saw the brightness,
Of the slightest glim.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

.......

One too desperate to act,
Yet the act does not yield.

One try once just too many,
Yet too many seems to count for nothing.

One finally could cry,
Yet tears could not nurse the misery

Nor do anything else,
but keep wallowing in self pity.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Don't doubt

It appears to hold a certain level of depth and hidden secretive message to those who feel comfortable enough to try and understand by rereading it. Perhaps its just a mask to confuse people who thinks the author is trying to convey something. It is then realised no one but the author itself could extract any meaning at all from it. But then, who is to say there is something behind just because it looks like a cover up.? Only those who are able to see through it knows the truth, that it is not deep at all. The act to convey or hide by being unpredictable is actually pretty predictable itself. There is nothing difficult for it was ponder at a complex angle that complicates the simple truth. If one could only just read and let it sink in without another second thought, then you'll realise how foolish you have been. You ought not to assume what the author wrote reflects the remainder of whatever it's feeling. Where the truth is, there is nothing at all that need to be understand for what was written is for the sole purpose of unnecessarily twisting the readers mind and build a cushion of assumption on how difficult it is to grasp its meaning when it actually doesn't mean anything. Not at all.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Please go

As usual, I walk pass him without another glance. I ignored him as much as he to me. But today, he caught me with his eyes, I turn to him and stare at him for a second. He pass me a sneering look, bearing his rows of white sharp teeth and start walking towards me. I stopped and greeted him with a hand gesture hoping to brush him away. He didn't, and this time he gave me a piercing look, just enough to tell me he's not afraid of me, not at all. I took a step back as he move forward. I dare not flee, for it was obvious he's after me, and he might chase, not a chance to outrun him. I stomped my feet and raise my hand, and he responded with a deadly glare, ready to charge forward. I could tell those long limbs are fast enough to give me a few scratch marks, definitely something I would regret. I uttered a small cry, and amazingly, it worked. He was shocked, and seem in doubt to continue and I walked away in a steady pace. Thank god, the bloody monkey didn't follow.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Doubt

For a moment I held my breath, it is never a good sign when one starts a conversation by apologising, especially when you were hoping what comes out next was the good news you were desperately waiting for, which till now, has not arrived. You worried, you doubt, but still you do not loosen the grip that might cause it's unfortunate death because there's no air left. Ironic, you chose to create an exit plan secretly before it began, why then should you wince everytime the tiny voice uttered a simple sorry because there's still no answers yet? Because the delayed in itself is already an answer enough? Should you not then, move towards the other side where perhaps the grass is indeed greener? Or perhaps, simple a different shade?

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Not dead, still alive.
Not busy, just lazy.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

下雨了。。

It's going to rain, again. It's been raining everyday here, blazing hot around midday. But once evening crawl on, it starts to drizzle. And as time goes on, it gets heavier. Even the smell of moist ground mix with soil and freshly mown grass in the air no longer feels fresh or different. Just another typical rainy day.

It is indeed odd, when there are days you crave to be left alone, for some extra privacy. But then, the only thing you have been doing lately was spending all those lonely hours, alone. You willingly lock yourself in your little world within the walls of your tiny little room. A place where every single corner are so familiar even only by its feel, not touch.

You left yourself lost in a world where you will never be found. You buried yourself in a place where no one understand you except you yourself. In fact, you are not sure if there's anyone but you, there.

You question, why after all these hours and days spend wallowing in a self made solitary world, its still not enough.? Why are you still asking for more.?

It does not make sense. Or was it suppose to make sense?

To question what we ourselves enquired for at the beginning, with no answers behind that explains why did we ask to begin with.

Something that ought not to be known, to be left just as it is. With a slight mysterious scent that lingers upon it, as a cover up. But perhaps, it is not that it cannot be understood, but rather something for you to ponder and make you feel restless, in doubt and start thinking.

When at the end, I wrote this, with no base at all, just for the sake of writing. Have you really, been wondering then.?

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Seven to Eight

(Scene of Winter Sonata)

Somehow I was never a photo blogger, nor would I try to be one. There are attempts of course, but then, it just never got to me. This is simply a different one, its a different year after all.


(Frozen fountain on a frozen pond)

I think it all began with being someone who's hardly interested in cam-whoring. I find it clashes with who I am, not that I do not appreciate every single moment, but somehow I never chose to capture them with a simple few clicks.


(Taebaek mountain range of Seoraksan National Park)

As for the reason of why I don't, I myself is not quite sure. Perhaps is because I find myself unphotogenic, or because photos sometimes reveal unspoken secret that you simply cannot hide.


(Everland, Korea's Disneyland)

People take photos to savour sweet memories, something that one day when they look back, they could tell a beautiful story based on those captivating moments. Something to remind them, a little artwork that tells you after all the hard work you've done, its actually worth it.

(Four Season's Garden of Everland)

And yes, I do agree a picture is worth more than a thousand words. It is I believe a great relief to a lot of people out there for something is better left unsaid and the responsibility to express is conveniently shifted into the visual department.

(Lotte World)

Another year had gone, a reason for people to reflect what they've achieve throughout those 365 days that seems to evaporate after a good night sleep. Of all the happenings within a year which tell you which route to follow, and which to not, for the brand new year.

(Lotte World's Christmas Parade)

There are those who say there's nothing much to celebrate, its just like our birthdays, its comes and goes every year and how special can that be, the meaning of it thinned at a gradual speed as one simply has too much of it.

(War Memorial)

But then, even if one agrees of it returning every year in a same cycle, some would certainly say it is still a different year than the one before. You will never have the same year twice, nor would you be the same age for more than once after the year has melted. And perhaps that alone is enough a reason for one special fine day.

(Pair of Liger , product from a male Lion and female Tiger)

New year resolutions are made every year, and of course, broken every year too. Pretty often, people tend to continue their last year's resolution, in other words, make it your resolution to achieve the one made earlier. Now, perhaps one might just wonder how many resolutions have you made in order to fulfill previous ones.


Maybe this is odd, but for the past few days, I've been trying to recall what was my year 2007 resolution. And I just haven't got the slightest clue at all of whatever it was. I guess I'll just settle with not even having one at all.


Happy New Year..=)