Friday, May 30, 2008

Want vs Should

Despite the fact that I consider myself quite a narcissist and arrogant person, I can still be distracted by the slightest confusion. To the extent that I could spend hours and even days thinking about the same old thing.

Even weirder is that not only I kept running over it in my mind about what I should do and what I want to do, I've actually made a decision about it eons ago.

Yet I kept replaying it, allowing it to drag me further into unnecessary confusion and doubts.

I believe that most of us have somehow a rough idea or even a clear mind on what we decide to do, yet we could not trust ourself with it that we look for other resources to confirm our thoughts or even strengthen it.

To gain reassurance to make ourself feel better? Or simply to boost our confidence? Or perhaps, just to hear what we want and expect to hear from those we seek advices from?

But what if what was said or returned wasn't what we wanted to hear? And instead of making us feel better, it makes it worse?

Are we then left with a dampen spirit instead of a lightened one?

What does one do then? To be further influenced? Or finally stand firm on our own feet on what we have decided much earlier that have pretty much been thickened and tarnished at the same time?

What do you do then?

To act on yourself or others that you have desperately reach out for?

Sunday, May 18, 2008

It's always gonna be there.

Do you go to bed every night hoping for a better day tomorrow? I find it indifferent. Yet it is perfectly acceptable to hope and not unusual at all.

Hope itself is a beautiful thing, and it's always brought together with faith.

I find my own conscience sinking, heart drowning in my own lost of hope. Faith that have gone to a place so far it seems impossible to the pessimist me to even attempt retrieving it.

It is sad. It's never a merry thing. I believe its even worse to be perfectly clear about it, but not capable of feeling it. Not even the slightest bit.

Recently, a family friend passed away. When my mom mentioned her obituary, not only I couldn't recall who she was, when I did, I was shocked, and felt a little pity, for probably a minute. Or less so.

This is not good.

How could I be so heartless.?

Has emotion abandoned my heart?

Or did my heart really emptied on its own?

Time is suppose to heal, but what if there was no injury or damage to recover from.?

Or perhaps what that heals is not time?

Time is simply to make things easier as you learn to accept, to deal and finally face it no matter how hideous it was.

It does not necessarily make the wound or scar disappear forever.

You just learn to ignore it better and be less affected by it.

And when you least expect, you don't even realise there's actually a scar there.

No matter how visible it was, it is now invisible.

At least to your eyes.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Don't wait..

When hope fails, an end comes.

I watched you went through torment everyday, the tears that flow as if it has replace water that you should consumed. Yet, the hope that shattered, the miracle that as usual did not make their grand appearance, is not unexpected.

No, it wasn't assumed to be so, but only a blind one could not tell what awaits them if they continue to stroll that road that you once so obstinately refuse to stop.

The picture was right before your eyes, yet you could not bring yourself to look at it, to understand what it meant.

Or perhaps you do, yet you clung on foolishly on the darker side, in wishing for a brighter outcome. And there, it began.

I witnessed the self destruction program you opted for yourself. Yet I could not say a word, for it is none but your choice. You took it hoping for a better tomorrow, yet tomorrow never comes.

Even if it does, it will not be better one. Not because it is destined to be bad day, but because your mind is clouded by the only thing you have in mind. And for the rest, it is nothing but another torturous day to live by while you wait, and wait for a boiled egg to hatch.

I pity you, your actions make me sad. Yet, I have not the heart to tell you. The hideous truth behind the utopian wall, for I believe you already knew it. If time is what you need to face the sad and ugly reality, then time you shall have. As long as you do not drown in the time that slowly ticks away, painfully.

And I will remember you in my prayers.

Friday, May 02, 2008

Do you not know?

It does not do well, to dwell in the pass. Much more, only those commonly known to hurt, was what one so blindly choose to retain within it's grasp. Strong hard clutch that one do no want to loosen, not even slightly. For so afraid you were of what it might caused. Be it that as it was, what else are left? For what that should not been forgotten, is lost, forever. And still one does not have the courage to abandon it, and allow the grieve to continue, mourn over a death that was so long ago, for the ashes itself has fully diminished to a land that none know. Yet, for as long as one hold on, it can still be called hope, even if it's already dead, buried deep six feet beneath us. What does it take, to wake one from a deep sleep full of nightmares, to be free from the doom that they so foolishly cast upon themselves? But do not be troubled or blinded by the darkness you unwarily condemned yourself to. For even the thickest foundation can be penetrated, by the slightest temptation, for once it went astray, I fear there is no turning back, for a new route now opens, right before your eyes. It is none, but yours, for which to take. But perhaps, to sway a little, just a little, from the road that was deemed right, could indeed bring new life to the hopeless one. For yet, we may not know.